More Reasons to Love You
by ipacacdoll
Summary: Continuation of 'Midnight'.Meredith and Derek are married and in love,but don't know EVERYTHING about each other.The fun is in finding out.
1. Chapter 1: SUNDAY

**HI EVERYONE! I have a new fic, I hope you all read it. It's a continuation of midnight, my other fic, and it would be good if you read that first, although it's not a pre-requisite. If you haven't read it, or forgotten it, midnight loosely follows the GA storyline, although Derek chose Meredith after the bomb and they tried to make it work, and are now married, over a year from that point. The premise of this fic is... even though they are married and closer than ever, there are still somethings they don't know about each other... I hope you like it, enjoy reading it, and leave comments. **

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Meredith could feel Derek's breath hit the back of her neck in a steady rhythm as she tried to remain in that zone between sleep and being awake, where you hoped it was going to be a Sunday forever. But then she heard the alarm go off, and she knew it clearly wasn't a Sunday morning feeling. She felt Derek's weight lean into her, and he untangled his fingers that had met hers, hidden under the comforter, to fumble for the button to stop the alarm.

They both basked in those few moments of silence, finding their positions again as they wished for it to be a Sunday. She felt Derek's lips find her bare shoulder in his usual sleepy morning greeting, his arm gathering her up tighter into his chest as he tried to almost soak up every bit of Meredith he could before the day got too busy and he lost her to everyone else.

Meredith's free arm pulled the comforter up around her head, groaning. "Do we have to go to work today? Can't we just sleep in?" She grumbled, her voice muffled under the covers.

"Like a Sunday morning?" Derek asked, amusement in his voice.

"Yes. I wish it was a Sunday morning."

"The ironic thing about it, Mer, is that it IS actually a Sunday morning." Derek replied, getting out of bed.

"I hate this job!" Meredith called to him as he entered the bathroom.

She didn't hate the job- but she definitely hated the hours. She didn't like the fact she only got one weekend in four completely off and free to do whatever she liked, like normal people did. She hated the way there were some weeks she and Derek barely saw each other in the hallway when they were on opposite schedules, and it seemed most of their conversations were carried out over the phone. The bed was still warm, and it was still dark outside. It seemed unfair that they both had to be awake, that the sound of Derek in the shower was stopping her from sleeping a few minutes longer.

By the time Derek came out of the shower, Meredith was curled up into a ball, determined not to get out of the warm cocoon of their bed until she absolutely had to. Meredith wasn't a morning person- Derek knew that. She was barely personable until she had two cups of coffee in her, and Derek knew the days when she was especially grumpy, staying well clear of her until she woke up. It was just a shame that the occupation they were in required them to be up at very antisocial hours.

"Come on Mer…" Derek coaxed her gently, putting a mug of coffee onto her nightstand. "If you want to go in together you'll have to get up soon. I have that pre-op round."

Meredith cracked one eye open, sitting up, letting the covers fall down around her waist while she picked up the mug from the nightstand and grimaced at Derek gratefully. "You know, getting up an hour earlier just to come stay at the trailer seems really painful and unnecessary right now- even if we do get our privacy."

Derek looked apologetically at her while he buttoned up his shirt. "I know, I know. You switch shifts Wednesday, I have the afternoon off too, we'll go looking for apartments downtown. I promise. I'll call the realtor on Monday so she can have some places lined up. I'm getting late, and you'll be finished after me anyways. I'll find you later." He said, leaning over, stroking her cheek with his thumb before kissing her gently on the lips.

Meredith listened to Derek's car start and fade into the distance as he drove away, lying there for a few more minutes until she stumbled into the shower. Her hands fumbled to turn the shower right up as hot as it could go, as she stood under the scalding water, feeling it run off her hair and down her shoulders, pooling slightly at her feet. It had been three weeks since the start of the new year, and they still hadn't found a day together to go and look at apartments, and she was more than ready to. She had told Alex and Izzie about it and now just being there was somewhat uncomfortable.

_-X-_

_Meredith was hovering in the hallway, wondering how she was going to tell her friends that she was moving out. Maybe she shouldn't. It would have been easier to tell Derek that she had changed her mind, that they would move out of her house once their house was ready- telling Izzie that she no longer wanted to live here would be more difficult. She had already avoided telling them for a week- and Derek wasn't pressuring her. She wasn't sure if he was actually expecting to move out or not- whether Meredith really wanted to. But she did really want to. She had grown out of the youth hostel._

_She tried walking into the kitchen in a casual way, but it must have been highly suspicious, as she saw Izzie's eyebrows rise in silent questioning. Shit. Meredith was as transparent as glass, everyone could read her like a book. Even though she knew she was busted, she still tried to act as nonchalant as she could, even though she knew it was a lost cause._

_Scratching her chin was a telltale sign she was gearing up to tell them something they wouldn't want to hear, and her friends waited patiently while she gathered up the courage. There was a niggling thought in the back of her head- telling her to wait for Derek to come home, so he could offer her moral support- or even better- do the dirty work for her. That was the unwritten vow of marriage, one of the perks of having the wedding band on your finger. But they were her friends, and she owed it to herself and them to tell them. Rip the band-aid off. No anaesthesia, although a shot or two of tequila seemed like a really good option right then._

"_I just wanted to tell you guys something…" Meredith began hesitantly. This was stupid. Izzie had washed pink mist off of Meredith's body, Meredith had peeled that pink prom dress off of Izzie after Denny died- she had even helped Alex study for his boards when no-one would even look at him- they had been through so much together. She wasn't selling her soul to the devil, she was moving into an apartment with her husband. "I'm…urm… we… I mean Derek and I, we…"_

"_Dude, you sound like O'Malley" Alex scoffed interrupting her attempt at inarticulately confessing to them her betrayal._

_Meredith glared at him before continuing, "I…at new year's eve Derek and I talked, well…I talked, he listened, and I decided that- we're going to get an apartment. We're going to look for places sometime this week or next week."_

_The moment of silence said it all. There was an inaudible gasp, and the atmosphere in the room changed to something unreadable. Izzie tried to keep her expression the same, but something in it had altered. It had become almost purposefully blank. Alex was the first one to do anything, as Meredith stood there frozen, her eyes flitting back and forth between her two roommates. Her family._

_Alex grabbed a beer out of the fridge and shrugged. "Whatever. Congratulations. Is someone else gonna move in or is the rent gonna increase? Let me know." He said before walking out of the room to the living room to watch TV._

'_Aren't you going to say anything?' Meredith asked Izzie silently, as she watched Izzie lean against the counter on the opposite side._

_A few more moments of silence seemed to pass away as if they were hours, before Izzie's brown eyes met Meredith's, full of a sadness that made Meredith want to take the last few minutes back and never mention it again. A lot of things were unspoken, just that one look conveyed a hurt that Meredith had wanted to avoid._

"_An apartment? This is your house, Meredith. Do you want us to move out? I can find a place.."_

_Guilt made Meredith mute. This wasn't her house. It was their house. It was her home for the first time in a long time. Even if it was dysfunctional, even if there was no privacy and the couch invariably acted as an impromptu bed for one of their friends, it was home. It had never felt like that while Ellis was still there, it was just a place where Meredith stayed, where she would do anything to avoid being there because she was a disappointment, because she never did anything right, because everything she did was met with disapproval. But now, it was a place where people embraced her for who she was, where she grew to be a better person._

"_No…I want you to stay here, Iz." Meredith replied, her voice shaky. "It's just… I'm married. I can't live with people forever. We're building a house, this has to happen eventually…" Meredith drew a breath. "It's all about steps. This- me moving out of here into an apartment- it's a step. I have to go through those steps with Derek together. I need to know what it's like to share a space with him and only him."_

_Few words were exchanged between Meredith and Izzie after that- because Meredith ran from the kitchen, trying to remove herself from that heavy atmosphere that hung densely in the air. Izzie would get over it sometime, Meredith was sure- but waiting for that moment could be long. So for now, Meredith decided not to face the issue, or go anywhere where anyone would hound her, and the only place in the whole house that was off limits for everyone else was Derek's office. That's why she flopped on the couch in his office, wishing that her friends could just be happy for her instead of concentrating on the negatives._

_Some time later, Meredith heard Derek's voice in the hallway. "Meredith?" His voice became louder as he opened the wooden door, his head peeking round the corner as he smiled. "There you are! Izzie's baking, I think something has upset her. She's already on a second batch. Blueberry muffin?" He offered, sitting on the couch beside her, putting the plate down on the small table infront of it._

_Meredith magnetically went to his side, falling into his arms in silence. He looked happy, he was smiling at her with that smile that meant nothing, but everything at the same time. It was a contented smile, one that seemed at peace with everything. It was a cliché, and nothing would take away from the fact that Meredith would never be a truly happy soul- she was dark and cloudy, but Meredith could feel Derek's happiness get to her through his contact._

"_How did Izzie seem to you? Has she still got a mean face? Because if she is, then I'm hiding and avoiding." Meredith mumbled, picking at the muffin. "I told her we were moving out."_

"_Ah. Explains the baking…" Derek laughed, taking a bite of the muffin. "Mmm….the muffins taste good, even if they are full of anger and passive aggression." _

_Meredith cracked a smile, breaking pieces off the muffin and feeding them to Derek. "How about we stop hiding and avoiding?" Derek suggested, mouth full of muffin._

_Meredith pretended to contemplate it for a moment, kissing the crumbs off Derek's face as he chewed on the sponge cake. "Hmm…. No. Hiding and avoiding are two favourite pastimes of mine…" She whispered, her lips moving down his neck, delicately kissing his adam's apple as he swallowed._

"_If I'm indulging you…" Derek said lustily, in a low voice. "Then you'll have to indulge me…"_

_He pushed her back onto the couch, pinning her down in the crevice between the seat and the back cushions of the old worn couch as he lay close to the edge. He had caught her by surprise, and he heard her gasp as she fell. She was smiling though, that was a good sign. He wanted to make her forget that Izzie was pissed off. She already felt left out that Meredith and Derek married in Vegas with Cristina, and hadn't even mentioned it to her until she saw the rings on their fingers, and now they were planning to move out._

_-X-_

Meredith and Izzie had made up by not mentioning all that much, but still- it was a stress that Meredith could have done without. Somehow, letting the boy move in with her, where she had all her things around her and all she had to do was expand her comfort zone was a lot less difficult than changing her comfort zone altogether. It was still daunting to her, even if the boy was her husband.

By the time Meredith slipped her shoes on and looked out of the window, she was ten minutes late, and the skies had turned even blacker, as the torrential Seattle rain hit the metal trailer like little bullets. Meredith rummaged in her bag to try and find an umbrella, but remembered it was sitting on the passenger seat of her car. Bracing herself, she unlocked her car from the porch and made a run for it, the watery slushy mud splashing onto her jeans as her shoes became soaked through. She slammed the door to her jeep shut, and willed her freezing hands to co-operate long enough to turn the key in the ignition. The jeep spluttered, but wouldn't start. She tried again and again, each time her hope waning that it was just acting up. It just continued to splutter pathetically, and Meredith banged her fists against the steering wheel in frustration.

_Great. Freezing cold Sunday morning in Seattle._ This wasn't how the day was supposed to be. She was supposed to be in bed with Derek, waking up lazily, smiling at she was inside and warm with blankets around her while it was chucking it down with rain outside. Derek had taken his BMW, and beside her car was his faithful ol' land rover defender, a tank of a car that would allow them to get anywhere no matter what the weather. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and Meredith ran back to the trailer, picking up the keys to the land rover which hung on a hook beside the door, while throwing her keys on the table.

The stupid land rover started first time, and Meredith paused for a moment, trying to remember exactly how to drive the stick shift and use the clutch. After a few tries and a couple of gear crunches later, Meredith was well on her way to the hospital.

"You're late…and your shoes are squeaking." Bailey announced in an annoyed tone as Meredith tried to join the crowd without noticing.

Meredith sighed. "I had car trouble." She said lamely.

"Did your dog eat your homework too?" Bailey replied sarcastically. "Just go to the clinic…"

-X-

Derek was sitting at a table all alone, playing on his blackberry as his lunch tray remained untouched. Meredith was supposed to meet him for lunch, she had said she would, and Derek was wondering how much longer he should wait. He was just about to text her, when he heard a tray slam beside him, and felt the whole table shudder with the force.

"Nice to see you too, Mer…" He chuckled, kissing her on the cheek before slipping his phone back into his lab coat pocket, and digging his fork into his salad.

He shoved a tomato into his mouth, glancing at his wife, who looked flustered at best. She opened her sandwich and grimaced at it, throwing it back onto the tray, holding her head in her hands instead. "I told you we should have stayed in bed today. If it's god's day of rest, it should be my day of rest too. Bailey made me go to the clinic all day, where I was treating hypochondriacs who mistook indigestion for an MI,I had one patient vomit all over me, and oh…. My fucking car wouldn't start today, which meant I was late, which is why Bailey put me in the clinic in the first place. She's not even my resident anymore, she doesn't own me."

"How did you get here then? A cab?"

"No. I drove here…" Meredith replied slowly, as if she were speaking to a child.

"I'm not mentally challenged you know…" Derek replied, smiling a little. "But… if the jeep isn't starting, how did you get here?"

"I drove the land rover." Meredith said matter-of-factly, ripping the lid of her yoghurt pot.

"You can drive a stick shift?!" Derek asked incredulously. "I didn't know that!"

Meredith smiled wryly, her eyes sparkling in a way that Derek wished they weren't in a public cafeteria so that he could use persuasive methods to coerce her into telling him everything.

Meredith's pager beeped shrilly at her hip, and she unclipped it from her pocket, reading that it was a 911. "There's a lot you don't know about me…" Meredith said nonchalantly.

"Obviously!" Derek replied, stunned. "What else don't I know? When am I going to find out these things?"

Meredith picked up her tray, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. "That's the fun part right? Finding out things you didn't know about me… that's the gravy…" She said softly, her hot breath fanning his ear lobe, setting his nerve endings on fire. She took him back to before Addison, when she asked him about details, to tell her things she didn't know about him.

"Mmm… I love gravy!" Derek laughed, shaking his head at her as she walked away, looking back at him with a grin on her face.

-X-

Meredith opened the door to their bedroom at her house. After lunch she had been put on surgical admissions, and she had been running around all day, the post- admitting ward round took her three hours over the time she was supposed to finish. All she wanted to do was curl up in her bed and sleep like how she wanted to when she woke up that morning. The day had started out bad- she had to work, the weather was terrible, her car gave up on her- but maybe it could end right. After all, Izzie actually had a friendly conversation with her, and Derek was already in their bed, waiting for her, patiently reading a book.

"Hey…" She murmured tiredly, stumbling into the room and closing the door, hearing it click. In one motion she had undone her jeans that were caked in dried mud from the morning, and left them on the floor in a figure of eight, before she flopped onto the bed, crawling up it slightly to wrap her arms around Derek's torso and rest her head on his chest while he finished reading the paragraph of his book. He folded the page as a bookmark and put it on his nightstand, before shifting slightly to hold Meredith. They basked in the silence for a moment, just hearing each other breathing.

"So… where does Meredith Grey learn to drive a manual car?" Derek asked, his voice vibrating resonantly against Meredith's ear.

Meredith laughed tiredly, lifting her head up and shifting her weight further onto Derek. "You don't give up do you? I learnt on that year break I took. Sadie had family in Australia, and we went to visit them. We went to a bar there, got drunk, and the next morning we found ourselves waking up in this Volkswagen camper van. Apparently we spent the last of out money on this thing while under the influence. So we decided to make the most of it, and travelled along the coast in that garbage can on wheels. I had to learn clutch control pretty quick. If you can drive that, you can drive anything. They were good times." Meredith recounted nostalgically.

The smile on Derek's face grew and lit up his face as he imagined a younger Meredith learning how to drive that horrible car- the expletives that would come out of her mouth as she stalled it, how she would crunch the gears and flirt with people to fix her car. Derek pulled her light body up effortlessly as he brought his head forward to kiss her on the lips.

"I love you." He murmured softly, his hands moving down to unbutton her blouse.

Her hands lay flat on his chest as she supported herself moving to straddle him. "I love you too…" the words escaped from her throat huskily. He unhooked her bra with ease, as she pulled the worn t-shirt over his head. This was all she wanted- to start the day and end the day with Derek, because when she had that, it didn't seem to matter what happened in between.

**********************************************************************************

_**Give me a reason to fall in love  
Take my hand and let's dance  
Give me a reason to make me smile  
Cause I think I forgot how**_

_**I wanna fall asleep with you tonight  
I wanna know that I am safe when you hold me tight  
I wanna feel like I wanna feel forever**_

_**Girls need attention, and boys need us  
So let's make everybody glad  
That they have each other in each others arms  
Oh let's make everybody glad**_

_**I want you........**_

_**I wanna dream away with you tonight  
We can go anywhere you would like  
I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever**_

_**I want you.**_

**Meiko- Reasons to love you**


	2. Chapter 2: FINE

At certain moments Meredith felt like she had been trudging the walls of this hospital forever. She was there inside those four walls for more hours than there were in a day. She sighed, rubbing her eyes tiredly as she leaned against the nurses station, catching the few moments of peace before rounds began again.

Meredith saw how easy it would have been for someone like her mother, as focussed as Ellis was, to just not bother ever coming home. Residency really _was_ hard, the hospital really did own her, and it felt like paradoxically, Ellis had chosen the easy way out, giving up on her child and marriage in favour of her career. Meredith was exhausted just trying to juggle it all, sacrificing sleep to go apartment hunting with her husband. She would feel more rested if she just slept in the on-call room.

Briefcase swinging in his right arm, and his coat draped around his left, Derek had a grin on his face, which, judging by the looks people were giving him, was a shit-eating one. But what was there not to be happy about? Meredith and he were going to look for apartments. It was the perfect compromise. The trailer was too cramped to live there everyday, and Meredith's house, although physically roomy was psychologically full- full of people and their problems, and this would be _their_ place.

Next thing Meredith knew, she felt a strong hand dragging her into an empty conference room. And then she felt him once the door slammed. Derek… of course it was happy, bubbly, sickeningly bright Derek. He threw his leather bag onto a spare chair with a resounding thud, and virtually launched himself at her, the force of his kiss on her lips and the little giggle escaping from his mouth while doing so made her stumble back a little.

"Mmm… you're very happy…" Meredith said a little shocked, as Derek's lips moved frenetically over every exposed part of her face and neck.

"Yeah I'm happy…" Derek replied in between kisses, those noisy lip-smacking kisses. But then he suddenly stopped with he felt Meredith was stiff in his grip, and the fervour of his affection wasn't reciprocated. "You're not happy…"

He stood back a little to look at her. Her eyes had a red rim of fatigue around the lids, but she still looked as beautiful as ever. Meredith smiled, or tried to- even though she was sure it looked as forced as it felt- Derek was _happy_. And while she was happy for him, she didn't really feel it herself. She wished she was one of those people who could be happy without waiting for the next bad thing to happen, but she felt like everywhere she went, the dark cloud followed her, even when she didn't want it to. She wanted his happiness to be infectious. "It's just… I've been at the hospital all night…" Meredith sighed.

Derek looked at her, her shoulders were slumped, she had bags under her eyes, she lost the colour in her cheeks. But he still loved her. He loved her more than ever. He would have still picked her up, and taken her right there on that table in the conference room. He would have made everything, every worry, every moment of tiredness go away. But that was his Meredith. His optimistically dark Meredith. She wasn't a conventionally happy person, but she had hope, and a compassion that still ran strong when others had given up. She filled in his gaps.

"We're looking at apartments today" Derek continued, hoping that his elation would rub off on her, the laughter still bubbling up.

Derek went as quickly as he came, in a flurry of happiness. Meredith blinked once, twice, three times, wondering exactly _what_ had made him so happy- and why she never felt so happy. Even on her wedding day- the happiest day of her life- she wasn't 'bouncy'. This is why she needed Derek in her life- he gave her a window into emotions she wasn't sure she would ever be able to experience to the level he felt- she was never able to express her happiness like that. The weight of his kisses still lingered on her skin, his happy laughter rang in her ears like an echo, and slowly but surely, maybe the rain cloud over her head was lifting.

-X-

Meredith pulled her tatty rota out of her labcoat pocket, her finger traced the worn paper as she sighed and smiled at the same time. She was on neuro- with Derek. She gathered her interns, and they followed her like ducklings to the neurosurgery floor. Meredith tried not to listen to them as they gossiped behind her about Derek and her, whether they would find a linen closet or on call room and forget about the surgery. A sly smile grew on Meredith's face as she remembered the times when they _did_ take every available moment to screw all over the hospital- when Meredith was having trouble expressing her love for him any other way but sex. But now everything seemed different. Meredith could talk to him, about both important things and inane things- and found comfort and enjoyment in those conversations. She could just have him in the same room, she doing her thing, and him doing his, and not be worried that there were so many unspoken things that had been left unsaid between them. They didn't need to fill that time with anything other than the reassurance of them being in the same room. So the interns had it wrong. Their love was much further evolved than that. But Derek seemed in a very flirty mood today- so anything goes.

"Good morning team!" Derek said brightly as he approached, changed into his scrubs.

He barely glanced at Meredith, knowing that the interns were just waiting for some snippet of newlywedded affection to use as lunchtime gossip fodder, and the change of his expression when he looked at her was almost imperceptible- except to Meredith. His eyes softened and changed to a shade of deeper blue, his lips twitched into a slightly wider smile and his cheeks blushed a little.

The post op rounds have been uneventful, with only one last patient to see. All of the interns, Meredith and Derek huddled in the small 'viewing room' to see the scans of Derek's only pre-op patient that day. Meredith sat beside him, rolling her office chair towards him to make room for the interns that piled into the tiny space.

"It's hard to believe this kid is still conscious, let alone laughing and talking!" Meredith breathed, her pen lid pointing at the size of the tumour as she scrolled through the MRI images.

"It's amazing how compensatory the brain is- especially at that age- it's so plastic. That's why his prognosis is good… are his bloods back?" Derek asked, while the interns scribbled away in the chart.

One intern shook his head, apologising that he hadn't gone to the lab to try and chase it up. Derek didn't even flinch, didn't say anything, just smirked as he watched the intern rush off in a flurry. He covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hide his smile, as he winked at Meredith as he collected the chart from the intern and stood up from his seat, his hand surreptitiously running along Meredith's thigh.

"I'll go chat to the family- I'd like a print out of one millimetre slices from his MRI…" He said as he walked out of the room.

Yeah, he really _was_ in a good mood. Derek was chatty, that was all part of his bedside manner. The parents were reassured by his easy nature, but the right amount of professionalism for them to know he had confidence in his skills, and he played the role of fun uncle to enough nieces and nephews for the kids to think he was amazing. Meredith had seen at new year the way Derek became a different person with kids around- always the entertainer, making jokes, doing magic tricks, giving them candy when he shouldn't, letting them have soda when they weren't supposed to, and he suited that role so well.

Chatty Derek meant chatty children. Their children. Half Meredith, half Derek. Meredith knew that she wanted them some time, they were building a house with enough bedrooms for more children than she wanted, but it was still something in the distance, far away. She was determined not to freak out about it until a stick turned blue, and at that moment, she wasn't freaked out, she was mildly excited. What if it had his eyes, her hair, his nose, her feisty attitude? She was already juggling her professional life and personal life, and it seemed full. Where would she fit a baby into that? And for the first time in….forever, she felt _happy._ Truly happy where she was. For once, she wasn't waiting for Derek to screw up, for her to get cold feet and run away, she was coasting along, and enjoying it. There was so much they had to do before the children came along, and yet, nothing else was left.

"That's great Dr. Derek!" She heard a small boy's voice laugh happily as she lead her interns into the patient's room.

Meredith looked up from the scans, as she heard the interns scoff and snigger behind her. Derek was juggling three apples and two oranges in a perfect cascade, keeping a careful watch of them in the air before he caught them all and put them back in the bowl on the table beside the bed, everyone applauding as he took a bite out of the last apple.

"See, I told you eating fruit could be fun." Derek laughed. He glanced towards Meredith, smiling as he chewed the bite of his apple as Meredith stood there for a split second longer than she should have. He blushed a little, his secret revealed.

"I didn't know you could juggle, Dr. Shepherd." The amusement couldn't be hidden from Meredith's voice, the innuendos hanging in the air as Derek shook his head, still smiling.

Meredith resisted the urge to go up to him and kiss him- they never usually showed affection around patients especially, but there was something about the knowledge that Derek could juggle that made her love him even more than she did a moment before. She could imagine Derek as a child trying to juggle, dropping the balls and starting over and over again until he mastered it. It taught you perseverance, trying until you got it right, just like them, like their clinical trial. Meredith absentmindedly played with her wedding ring on her finger with her thumb, twisting it round, remembering he was hers. He was hers and she didn't know he could juggle.

Derek's wide toothed grin let her know that there were so many replies to her statement, ones that would be saved for later, for a more appropriate place, where eyes and ears weren't documenting their every move, where they weren't attending and resident, or Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey, but where they were just husband and wife.

"Hmmm…" he replied in a way that could be interpreted as smug, but was intended and received as an acknowledgment he wouldn't get away with not telling her the story of how he learned it.

The topic was dropped and conversation turned to the surgery.

-X-

"Textbook…" Meredith sighed as they scrubbed out, and the patient was being wheeled into recovery. "Surgery is so amazing sometimes. Doing this makes up for the no sleep, running around for blood tests, not being able to sit down in twelve hours, admitting forty patients in eight hours. Sometimes you forget that there's a satisfaction in this job you won't get in any other. You gave that kid a life."

"Yeah…" Derek smiled, watching her dry her hands. That was the side of Meredith that made Derek want to see her again, the same hint of wonderment that he saw in her after Katie Bryce's surgery. She was wide eyed, hopeful, enthusiastic, and re-ignited something inside of Derek, brought him back from thinking this was all just routine and made it all exciting again. That wasn't just his professional life, but his personal one. He realised that there were things he didn't know about her past, and things she didn't know about his. That was what happened when you found someone new and you weren't in your twenties anymore. There was a lot more history to tell.

Derek waited for Meredith in the lobby, talking on his cell phone as she approached. Her bag was slung on her shoulder, and she hadn't bothered changing out of her sneakers- her feet felt so swollen, she was sure she wouldn't be able to fit her feet in any other shoes anyway.

"Our patient's awake and saying a few words…" Meredith yawned, getting into Derek's car.

"That's really great!" Derek beamed as they drove to the realtor's office.

"His parents think you're Superman." Meredith said tiredly as she leaned her head against the window.

"I am pretty great, Meredith, admit it. All I need is the cape and skin tight spandex suit…"

"So I guess 'Derek Shepherd' is the Clark Kent geek version of the real hero then?" Meredith joked. "The only thing you have in common with Superman is the perfect hair. But if the superhero thing doesn't work out, I'm sure with those juggling skills you could join the circus…" She teased.

She really wouldn't let this one go.

"So…how _did_ you learn to juggle?" Meredith asked, smirking.

Derek took his eyes off the road to glance at her, her one eyebrow raised, her lips unevenly upturned into a lopsided smile. She was enjoying this- this ease that they found themselves in. For so long it had been hard, filled with angst, that it had once seemed that it would follow them around everywhere. Meredith had been in a dark mood, and one little window into Derek's former life was enough to light her up.

"It was during shop. I hated woodwork, so the teacher taught me how to juggle as well. With those juggling balls at first, different types of cascades, and as I got better, I tried clubs and plates…"

Meredith smiled, trying to imagine a kid Derek learn to juggle. "I was good, you know." He defended when he heard Meredith's light giggle.

"You handle those balls very well…." Meredith teased. "You should have told me you like having your balls up in the air" She continued. "Derek, you can teach me how to juggle with your balls anytime."

"Is that it? Got it out of your system yet? Or have you thought up anymore innuendos?" Derek shook his head with a smile as Meredith's laughter filled the car.

-X-

The car door slammed, shaking the whole car unsteadily. Meredith didn't utter a single word, but she even managed the click her seatbelt into place with anger. Derek was scared to say anything- he knew nothing good would come of it. Four hours later, seven apartment viewings, and they hadn't put a deposit down on a single one. He knew by the fourth viewing that seeing the others would be pointless, Meredith had shut down.

"I can't believe that I didn't like any of those apartments!" Meredith complained. Her cheeks were red, as she fidgeted with the sleeve of her sweater.

"They were fine, Meredith." Derek consoled. His fingers squicked against the leather of the steering wheel and he looked out of the window as he exhaled. His breath left his lungs laced with frustration as he tried not to show his annoyance. All of the apartments were just fine, and every single one Meredith had found fault with, and not even considered them. Maybe she was getting cold feet- maybe it wasn't what she wanted anymore, and they'd just have to stay at her house until their house was built. Derek had been alright with that prospect, he never expected her to be ready to live with him without someone being on hand to distract them from the bickering that went on in marriage- but having been given the hope that they might live together alone, and soon- Derek was disappointed it didn't happen.

"That's the point!" Meredith agreed emphatically. "They're only just fine. I don't want fine, Derek." She paused for a breath, the car filling with silence for a beat before she began again, in a much softer tone to the one she used just a few moments before. "I said I was fine for the longest time, even when I wasn't…well…especially when I wasn't. I think, for most of my life, being fine was the best I could hope for, I never dreamed I could be more than fine. And now, I have you, and fine is settling for second best. It has to be extraordinary."

Meredith's words hit Derek like a brick wall, as the blood drained from his face in sudden realisation. How could he have not seen it before? Meredith didn't want it to just be ok. The pain came flooding back from all those times Meredith insisted she was fine, even though he could see she wasn't, and was powerless to stop it. Meredith was striving for more.

"You're right." Derek conceded. "We shouldn't just go with something just because it's ok. We should wait for the right place." He glanced over to Meredith, seeing a small smile grace her delicate features. He took his hand off the wheel, and reached over to hold her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "We _will_ find the right place, Mer. We just have to be patient, that's all."

They would find the right place. Meredith was sure of it now. She didn't mind waiting if it was done right. A watery sunlight streamed through the windows, the weak colours of a Seattle winter sun setting low in the sky. All good things come to those that wait. Even if they didn't achieve what they set out to do that day, moments of good times had been spread throughout the day, and it seemed that statement Meredith had made to Derek still rang true even though she was no longer in such a dark place- it was still about those moments that made her feel happy and safe, and right then was one of those.

They were turning into the street into the hospital on the way home, when Derek suddenly remembered. "Do you mind if I just check on the boy from this morning? I'd like to see for myself how he's doing instead of waiting until tomorrow morning."

Meredith nodded. That's what doctors were. Never off the clock, always worrying about some patient, always on call in case they needed to be. And somehow, they had found the perfect balance for them where their personal and professional life meshed into one happy mess. And Meredith was happy calling it a mess, because sometimes you could be so preoccupied with maintaining perfection, that your whole life passed by while you were fixated on one detail.

They walked through the hallway together, their hands brushing lightly, talking about nothing. Meredith waited at the door of their patient's room while Derek walked in, flicking through the obs chart and quickly checking all the vitals himself. Meredith leaned on the door frame and watched as he went through all the motions easily, well practiced and slick in his confident way.

"Do you have children, Dr. Shepherd? You're so good with him. He really loved that juggling thing." The patient's mother asked as Derek put his pen torch into his blazer pocket.

"Not yet." Derek smiled politely, knowing Meredith was not too far away and within ear shot. "I have many nieces and nephews though."

"I didn't expect you to be here when you've got the evening off."

Derek looked towards the door as he wrote something in the drugs chart. "I'm lucky that I have an amazingly understanding wife."

The mother followed Derek's eyes to Meredith, her smirk matching his. "You're married to Dr. Grey? Wow. How long?"

"Only a couple of months." Meredith piped up, stepping into the room. "And marriage sure is a learning curve. I'm finding out new things about my husband all the time…especially his juggling skills. I didn't know I married a clown. I wish I knew that before I married him. Clowns creep me out."

"Oh, that hurts. When we get home, I'm going to get my face-paints out and paint on a sad face, complete with a tear rolling down my cheek." Derek said in mock-seriousness.

"That's the fun thing about the start of a marriage. You find new things out about your spouse all the time."

Derek winked at Meredith again, smiling widely. He hoped he never stopped learning new things about her, that the fun never stopped. He was in no rush. They had a lifetime.

***************************************************************************

_**Tell me you love me  
That I don't know how much you mean it  
Everytime you look into my eyes  
You make sure that I can see it  
I can't recall if I ever felt this way before  
And if I did, wouldn't want those feelings  
Hanging around here anymore**_

Just so you know  
You got me  
Nothing in the whole wide world could ever stop me  
If you got love, got love to give  
Oh just keep giving it up and someone will let you in  
And just, so you know  
You got me

Everyday you write it down  
Just so I can read it  
The best thing that ever happened to you  
You know I wanna be it  
I can't recall if I ever had a love I truly missed  
And if I did, it wasn't no love compared to this

Just so you know  
You got me  
Nothing in the whole wide world could ever stop me  
If you got love, got love to give  
Oh just keep giving it up and someone will let you in  
And just, so you know

You got me waiting  
Learning my patience  
Won't you hurry up and rescue me  
There's so much talking  
It's all I wanted

Nothing in the whole wide world could ever stop me  
'Cause if you got love  
Got love to give  
Oh just keep giving it up  
And giving it up  
And giving it up  
And just so you know  
You got me

**Tristan Prettyman- You got me.**


	3. Chapter 3: NAMES

Derek smiled at Meredith as he handed her a coffee he had gotten for her from the coffee cart, a caffeinated pick me up before rounds started. They both sipped at the hot coffee in a silent reverence to the wonders of that hot drink- every second they were becoming more awake and more ready to start the day. Now they weren't idle gossip, it seemed a lot easier to just be. They were just another boring married couple now, instead of a freak show, and finally they were living life out from under the microscope. There was no pressure, and their relationship was better off for it.

"Meet me for lunch?" Derek asked Meredith, glancing down the hallway as he saw the chief approach them.

"If I've got a chance to, then yeah. Just call me." Meredith replied absentmindedly, tapping a text out on her phone to Cristina.

"Derek! Meredith! Good morning!" The chief greeted cheerily. Since they had gotten married, the chief had been encouraging about their relationship, rather than being wary of it as before.

Meredith had speculated it's because they had made sacrifices for each other- they had done things that both Richard and Ellis weren't able to do. It all came back to love being enough- sometimes, it wasn't…and sometimes, it was. It depended on whether you thought it would have been enough. Meredith didn't like to think about that much, about the 'what ifs' surrounding her mother and Richard Webber. If they had let love be enough, then Meredith might have had a family, she wouldn't have had to deal with her mother on her own- she wouldn't have had such a hard relationship with her mother. Maybe she wouldn't have had daddy issues, and instead of going through crap to get to this point with Derek, she would have realised that there was an easier way of achieving the same thing. But Meredith hated to think like that, because that made her hate that man standing in front of her, that man who through his decision changed not only his and Ellis's lives, but hers too. And she couldn't resent and hate her boss, especially when he sometimes treated her like a daughter.

"Meredith, will you come with me to my office right now?" Webber asked her, looking between Meredith and Derek with a beaming smile. "Don't worry it's nothing bad. It's something good. Very good in fact." Meredith gave Derek a helpless shrug and a smile before she walked off with the chief.

Once they were in the office, the chief gestured for Meredith to sit down. He was being too friendly, and there was still a part of Meredith that was wary of him. This is what he did to her mother. Make her feel like she had a place in his life, and then he took that hope away. He wasn't her father. He was the man who denied her of the opportunity to have a father, to know what it was like to have a mother who didn't resent you and wasn't disappointed in you.

Sometimes she found it hard to see him as her boss, as her chief of surgery. She couldn't, not when she had been told by Cristina that volume nine of her mother's journal read like a Victorian romance novel, that everything was viewed in that cloudy milky perfection. This man promised Ellis the follow-through- promised her the cheesy proposal, to leave his wife, and then get down on one knee. Meredith couldn't feel happy for her mother, that she got to experience that- because Meredith knew the end before she knew about the mush- and the end was shitty.

"I got a letter from the board yesterday, Meredith. I didn't know you were changing your name to 'Shepherd'…" He trailed off, leaving the question hanging in the air.

Why didn't you keep your mother's name? Continue the legacy?

She could see the flash of disappointment on his face, transient, apparent just for a second before it faded again. And for a second after she saw that flicker on Dr. Webber's face, she was angry. She was angry he felt he had a right to begin to appreciate anything about her mother, about her legacy. He left her to deal with Ellis all alone.

"Yes, I married Derek. I'm a Shepherd now. Did you know that they have millions of children each? That they like having family time, that their mother cares? As a Grey, I haven't experienced any of that."

_Because of you._

"I just thought that...Ellis would have liked you to keep your name." The chief said in a quiet voice.

Meredith's fists tightened against the armrests of the chair, her jaw clenched as she tried to keep her temper in check. How dare he tell her what Ellis wanted! She didn't care what Ellis wanted. It was her life. Everything she had done was despite Ellis telling her she was a waste of space, that she was a disappointment, and everyday Meredith lived under that cloud that her name brought. She didn't expect miracles, but maybe if she became a Shepherd some of their goodness would rub off on her, that having someone tell her she was loved would make her believe she was loveable. Ellis Grey had rarely, if ever given her that feeling. And Derek's mom loved her for who she was and what she did for Derek on their very first meeting.

"Sir…" Meredith spoke, trying hard to keep her voice neutral and polite. "My mother wanted many things that I didn't do. Nor am I living my life for anyone else but me. It was my choice to change my name to Shepherd. Besides, my mother didn't keep her maiden name."

It had looked like Dr. Webber wanted to ask more questions, but sensing the strain in Meredith's voice, decided against it. A smile came to his face, and he took something from the side table behind him- a newly laundered, embroidered labcoat with the words 'Meredith Shepherd, M.D.' embroidered on it in blue lettering. Just like the first one- except different.

She was Meredith Shepherd on her driver's licence and her credit cards, she had even sent off for her passport to be changed, and none of that made her heart flutter like the labcoat she held in her hands. She was 'Dr. Shepherd'. She could feel the freakout build. She may have not liked much of the history of who Meredith Grey was, sleeping her way through Europe, someone who ran away from her problems, but it was still who she was, who she identified herself as. And now, people would know she was Derek's wife. This was a new chapter to the chronicles, and Meredith wasn't quite sure what the future would hold.

Meredith was still in a daze when she reached the locker room, and changed into her scrubs. She put on her labcoat, and it felt strange. Was she supposed to make an announcement, or was she supposed to let people read the name change on her labcoat and new ID badge? Was she supposed to correct them? Maybe she should have kept her maiden name, and not as some homage to her pioneering-surgeon mother, but because it seemed easier.

Derek was preoccupied, wondering what the chief wanted with Meredith. Her problems were his problems, and he wanted to be there for her. He checked his watch, he had fifteen minutes until his first surgical followup patient was due to arrive, and maybe he'd be able to concentrate if he knew Meredith was ok. He hovered around the door to the resident's lounge, but that was after he had conveniently taken the route to get there that passed the chief's office. He saw the door open, and he held his breath in anticipation, as he saw Meredith come out of the door, clipping her pager to her pocket, shoving random bits of paper and her worn jotter notebook into her pockets. She looked flustered, almost muttering to herself.

Not seeing where she was going, she collided into Derek's chest, and stumbled back, mumbling an apology until she looked up and found his eyes looking at her. Derek didn't know what it was about her expression that made him do it, but he pushed her back with one hand, pushing down the handle to the door of the resident's lounge with the other, closing the door behind them.

"Derek…" Meredith said in a tone Derek couldn't decipher. She looked like she was a little shell shocked, she sounded fragile, but Derek had his hands easily holding her thin arms, and just having that contact with him was stopping the impending freak out.

"What happened with the chief?" Derek was concerned, his brows knitting together. Looked her up and down, and up again, his eyes catching the new name on her labcoat.

"_Dr. Meredith Shepherd M.D."_

"Oh…" Derek smiled at her in a way that took away all the doubt that she wasn't meant to be a Shepherd. "Congratulations Dr. Shepherd!" He said lovingly, holding her closer, kissing her gently on her temple.

"Thanks…" Meredith replied, her voice stronger than she thought it would be. "I think it's freaking me out." She admitted.

Meredith Shepherd wasn't scared to tell Derek how she was feeling, she didn't run away from feelings she didn't want to have, but instead acknowledged them and tried to work through them, because Derek was with her. They had a mutual loyalty to each other now, and it didn't seem like an obligation now, she wanted to be there, she wanted him to comfort her, and could admit it- she could freely say she needed him, and not feel like a loser.

"It's a huge step." Derek nodded in understanding. "Is it so huge that you need Cristina? I'll find Yang if you want…"

This is why she loved Derek. He understood her for who she really was, not who she was trying to be. She didn't have to try and be a wife, he just got her, and for so much of her life there was the pressure to try. Her mother pressured her to try and be what she wanted in a daughter, she had to try and be the best resident in the program, and for a long time, she had to push herself and try to be something more with Derek. But now that was gone, and he embraced her for _her._ He got that she was freaked out, but wasn't worried she was going to backtrack and run away from it.

She shook her head as it still lay on his chest, as she tried to let the feeling of anxiety seep out of her body. Derek could feel that tension, coiled tight like a spring, loosen as he held her. It was alright to be scared, because she was actually telling him she was scared. And that's all he wanted- to be told things- how she's feeling, what she did that day, what her friends said to each other- he just wanted to be there. He felt it a privilege to be allowed to be there, because Meredith didn't let many people in that far.

"I'll talk to her at lunch…" Meredith sighed, reluctantly peeling herself away from Derek's comforting warmth. She couldn't afford to be late picking up her interns from their locker room.

She stepped away, her hand on the door before she froze, turning back around to face him. "Crap! We were supposed to have lunch!" She didn't want him to think she was dumping him for Cristina, wary that it had happened before, because she wasn't. She took the few steps back towards him, took his hand in hers and jumped up on her tiptoes, kissing him on the cheek. "I'll meet you at Joe's at seven instead. Celebratory drinks."

"So you're freaking out about the change of name? Two months after you decided to do it?" Cristina asked. "No one was holding a gun to your head, Mer. You decided to change your name. Derek couldn't care less what you decided to do."

"I'm not backtracking, Cristina." Meredith huffed in frustration. "I don't regret anything- but I'm publicly declaring that I've changed, that I don't really feel like the person I was before…I'm not even the same girl Derek fell in love with."

"A lot happens in three years…" Cristina shrugged. That was the abridged explanation. A lot _had_ happened in those three years. People changed because of their experiences in life, and Cristina understood that-she understood that more than most. It was what shaped a person. You couldn't watch your father die when you were nine and not be affected, you couldn't go to war in Iraq and be the same person you were before you left- and you had to accept that. If Derek and Meredith could make it through all those problems that their experiences left them, then a change in name was nothing. "But for the most part, you went through those times together."

"Even though I'm not proud of everything in my past- there were good times, and I know I'm not saying that by changing my name I'm forgetting that it ever happened, because I can't but it seems like… now it's official, and it's different. We are truly a married couple, and I have a husband. Derek is my husband. Do you know how intimidating it was when Addison introduced herself to me as 'Addison Shepherd' and Derek told me he had responsibilities to her? He has those to me now- now I'm the intimidating person…"

Cristina snorted. "You're hardly intimidating Mer. Sure, I wouldn't like to see you angry too often, but you're not like Addison… and to tell you the truth, maybe that's the point. Maybe Derek chose you, the anti-Addison, because that wasn't what he wanted."

Meredith looked up from her empty lunch tray, her eyes magnetically stopping at Derek, whose eyes had stopped at her as Mark talked to him about something. He saw her looking at him and smiled before turning back to Mark. It was all good. They could be married, be in love and not suffocate each other. There were spaces in their togetherness. The intimacy that they had neither suffocated her nor intimidated her, and so really, changing her name wasn't so much of a big deal.

"I don't screw boys like a whore on tequila anymore." Meredith thought out loud. She only had Derek, and he was enough for her. She wasn't sleeping with people to fix her broken down VW camper van, because she had a proper job, and she loved it. She loved her life. She had changed, she had grown into Meredith Shepherd instead of suddenly becoming her because her labcoat, hospital ID and credit card said so.

"And the Steves of this world thank you for that, Meredith." Cristina joked wryly referring to that guy Meredith slept with when she was trying to get over Derek going back to Addison.

"Were you waiting long?" Meredith asked Derek as she approached the bar, putting her bag down next to the stool as she ordered her drink from Joe. Derek already had a scotch in his hand, and had amassed a small pile of barnut shells next to his glass.

"Not too long…" Derek smiled, his body moving closer towards hers as their shoulders touched, his free hand taking hers easily, his fingers winding around hers as they quietly acknowledged each other's presence. His blue eyes sparkled tiredly, his hair a little flattened from being in a scrub cap all day, but he was happy. "So, how was your first day as 'Dr. Shepherd?'" Derek asked Meredith, sipping his scotch.

"I think other people got more used to it that I did. I went round introducing myself as 'Dr. Grey' for half the day, with people getting confused because it said something else completely different on my labcoat." Meredith laughed lightly as she rested her head on his shoulder comfortably. "It'll take some getting used to. I've been 'Meredith Grey' for thirty three years."

They were amid a conversation about when their schedules matched so they could go and see more apartments, when a picture behind the bar caught Meredith's eye. "Hey Joe!" She called out. "Is that a new picture of the twins?! They've grown so much!"

Joe quickly served his patron and came over to Meredith and Derek, taking the photograph off the shelf to let them have a closer look. After talking about the children and their differing personalities, Joe left them to serve Alex.

"Aren't they cute babies, Derek? Not as cute as our babies will be but, you know…."

Derek grinned at her, his hand tightening around hers subconsciously as his heart swelled for his wife, imagining her with their babies, how she would cope with the pregnancy when she couldn't walk and her ankles were swollen. But he wanted every moment with her, experiencing that together.

Meredith saw his smile on his face, and shook her head, laughing at him. "Wipe that look off your face. I'm not broody!" She insisted. "Besides, I'm pretty sure my kids will be screwed up. My kids will take stupid risks, and have alzheimer's, and split ends." Derek's stupid smile grew wider. "Stop it Derek! You're acting like a basket case! You don't want babies with crappy DNA…"

Derek threw his arm around her, pulling her closer into his chest. "Hey Mer, I want all of your crappy babies. They won't have split ends….let's hope they have my great hair…"

"I've seen your hair in the morning, mister. Not so great without product in it…" Meredith teased, swirling the straw in her glass.

"Dammit!" They heard Joe swear in front of them. "The twins are running a fever. Walter is having a tough time on his own. I'll have to close the bar, and I'll lose business…" he told them.

"Oh, don't worry about that, Joe…" Meredith said, standing up, putting her weight on Derek's shoulder as she hoisted herself onto the bar and swiftly jumped to the other side, tying an apron around her waist as if she had done it for years. "I'll look after it for you until around one. You look after your babies."

"What's your experience?" Joe asked sceptically, his eyebrows raised as he reluctantly put down his bar towel.

Meredith just smiled, pulling the perfect glass of beer from the tap and placing it in front of George as he approached the bar. Derek looked on incredulously. "I bar tended my way through college and all over the world." She grinned, pushing Joe out of the bar. "Now GO!"

That was yet another thing Derek didn't know about Meredith-she worked the bar like a pro, which- Derek realised she must have been. It looked as though she had worked behind the bar longer than she attended classes. She bossed the customers around, remembered orders exactly, never dropped a single glass.

"I was wondering if I could have a single malt scotch….and something for you…" Derek flirted, pushing a twenty dollar note towards her.

"I'm sorry, I don't accept drinks from customers, it's not professional…" She said snootily, letting the shot of whisky fall into the glass as she tried to hide her smirk.

"I've not seen you behind this bar before…you new here?" Derek played along.

"It's a one time thing…" Meredith said, leaning over him as she pretended to wipe down the bar, giving him a full view of what was under her top.

"It's fucking hot…" Derek stretched out the syllables as his voice dropped lower, along with his eyes. His fingers gripped the glass of scotch until they turned white, licking his lips without thinking imagining what he'd like to do to her, as her eyes met his, twinkling mischieviously.

"Dr. Shepherd, are you getting fresh with me?" She asked, leaning over even further.

"Dr. Shepherd…would that be wrong?" He replied back, seeing her cheeks flush.

Derek sipped his scotch as Meredith sorted out a guy who was trying to complain about Meredith overcharging him, her voice rising to above the background noise as she stood her ground. That was his wife, his girl. She could change her name to Shepherd, she could be well on her way to becoming a good surgeon, but there would always be that part of her that was forever Meredith Grey- that girl with balls who yelled at men three times her size and won, and Derek loved for that. Some things about her would never change about her, and he would never want them to.

_**I am crazy most of the time  
but I am simple in this restless mind of mine  
give me something that can grow  
a love that I will always know**_

you make this girl shine  
almost all of the time  
like a letter sealed with a kiss  
this is a love I love to miss  
and if only I could find  
the type of words to describe  
I'd probably take up all of your time  
all your time

never mind the secrets that you keep  
cause I wanna know what it takes to move the ground beneath your feet  
I wanna see a smile that laughs  
and ill let you have my better half

cause you make that girl shine  
almost all of the time  
like a letter sealed with a kiss  
this is a love I love to miss  
and if only I could find  
the type of words to describe  
id probably take up all of your time  
all your time

I am shy most of the time  
but I'm quiet in this busy mind of mine

**Tristan Prettyman- all of your time**


	4. Chapter 4: ENTWINED

Meredith climbed up the brick steps two at a time, her bag slung casually over her shoulder as she scanned the terrace for Derek. He had said to meet him at their café at nine o'clock for breakfast before they went on another round of apartment hunting. Her eyes fell on him, watching him as he flicked through the morning paper , glancing at his phone to see if Meredith had called or texted him.

"Hey!" She called breathlessly, waving, as she approached him.

She kissed him, soft, like a habit, like it she would do it everyday for the rest of their lives before sitting down in the cast iron chair next to him. "Hmm… good morning." He smiled. "Are you up for this breakfast? If you're too tired you can catch maybe two hours sleep…" He folded the paper up, placing it beside him before handing her a menu.

"Are you kidding me? This is the only thing that kept me going through the night- the thought of French toast and pancakes with coffee. I caught a few hours sleep anyway. It was pretty quiet last night." Meredith laughed, barely glancing at the menu before putting it down.

"And was I in these late night thoughts?" Derek asked, his tone teasing as he reached his hand across the table, grasping her hand that had her platinum wedding band securely around her third finger.

"As a side order, after the pancakes and French toast, sure…" Meredith joked, reaching over to plant another kiss on his lips.

Meredith sipped at the glass of orange juice Derek had gotten before she arrived. He liked coming back to this place, where they had come a long time ago, when they thought of them as a couple was so fresh and new, when Derek didn't know if she was fruit-and fibery or if she liked pancakes. He had soon found out she ate cold pizza, and left over grilled cheese. And so he had promised to show her the delights of breakfast, and brought her to this place, for what he liked to think as their first date, although he was sure Meredith had avoided calling it a date at the time. He remembered the day- a morning in early September, when the summer was running into fall, but the sun still shone enough so that you didn't feel a chill. Now it was the first week of February, and they had outdoor heaters by every table so that sitting outside would be bearable, but the gentle sound of the fountain in the middle of the terrace still created the soothing environment. He didn't know then, that he would marry this girl, that they would have gone through what they had gone through. He was just buying her breakfast.

Soon their plates were placed in front of them, and Meredith delved into her plate of pancakes, while Derek watched her, looking down at his eggs. "A good day starts with a good breakfast, isn't that what you say?" Meredith grinned.

Her breakfast might have tasted good, but it certainly wasn't the most healthy, but he knew now that Meredith wasn't really a healthy eater. He had started to get to know her on that first breakfast date, where Meredith had stopped treating him like a sexual mistake and more like…someone she could get to know to love. Even early on, she was scared of the intimacy, he could see there was something holding her back- he was the one pushing it. He knew he had a wife back in New York, but being with Meredith made that pain of his world crashing down around him go away. But there was no rulebook for intimacy. He knew that now. He just took it where he could get it, and kept it for as long as he could. The rules were something they had to define for themselves, and it had taken a long time for them to create rules that they could both abide by, but they had. Now he knew what Meredith was going to order from this place before she had even looked at the menu. He knew her.

"I hope it's a good day." Derek agreed. "I hope we find an apartment."

"Seriously…" Meredith sighed. "I think Cristina rented the last decent apartment in Seattle- have you seen that awful place George and Lexie had rented out last year? They called it a crapartment, and really- that was an understatement. It made the trailer seem like a five star suite."

"This is the top floor apartment…not quite a penthouse, but nearly there…" The realtor babbled on as she put the key into the door.

The backs of Meredith's and Derek's hands brushed lightly as they stood side by side in the hallway. The location was the best of every apartment they had seen. It was near the hospital, close to downtown, it was close to the docks, and was easily accessible from his land. But Meredith was waiting for the disappointment- she was waiting for it to be underwhelming once she got inside, something that was less than the best to make her say no. It wasn't that she wanted to- it was because she wanted their first place together to be better than just ok. She had a house, with everything she wanted- she didn't need to live in a crappy place, she just wanted some privacy with her husband. But it wasn't just her house, but it had become Izzie's and Alex's too. Alex hadn't made any roots in Seattle- or in his life, and she had a feeling her house was the first permanent address he ever really had. As for Izzie, she grew up in a trailer park- enough said. They had so many memories they shared together in that house- both good and bad, and Meredith would remember them forever- but now it was time to make memories with Derek alone, without her friends.

They stepped into the apartment, their shoes resonating on the hardwood floor as they had a first look. To the left was the open plan kitchen, modern yet not too futuristic, with all new applicances, the steel of it all shining against the granite worktops. "It's a shame there's such a well equipped kitchen when the only things I use are the microwave and coffee machine…" Meredith joked as they walked through the space.

Derek smiled, reaching forward to grab her hand squeezing it gently. She was joking about appliances. That was a good sign, she was imagining herself living here. Maybe they had finally found it.

"So you have two bedrooms, two bathrooms- spacious…." The realtor continued as they walked through the apartment, but Derek wasn't listening, and he didn't think Meredith was either.

He could imagine them talking to each other in the morning while one was in the shower and the other was in the sink- or more silent moments in the roll top bath together, and he could see Meredith thinking the same thing too. She hadn't said anything, but her eyes were lighting up in a subtle way as she ran her hand over the countertops, and her head peeked around the corner to the walk-in closet, taking a few seconds to wonder whether their clothes would fit in it. He stopped to imagine the soft deep pile of the carpet under his toes when he got up in the morning, and Meredith was thinking the same thing too as she ran her sneakered foot along the floor, looking up at him as she smiled ever so slightly before following the realtor out to the open plan living space. If Meredith wasn't already sold on this place as soon as she walked in, she was now. They walked closer to the window that spanned most of the room, and the realtor seemed to fade into the background as she gave them a moment to talk between themselves.

"You can see the ferryboats…" Meredith said quietly, her eyes tracking a boat cross the sound.

"It'll be an amazing view of the sunrise over the ferryboats…" Derek pointed into the horizon, his arm gripping her across her waist, his fingers rubbing against her sweater.

Meredith smiled, remembering how she waited in the rain with a bottle of wine in her bag for him- and how they finished the wine in the car, falling asleep before sunrise, but the colours of red and orange streaking through the car windows waking them up, giving them their chance to see the sunrise anyway. Derek looked at her, smiling nostalgically- again, at that time their relationship was so fresh and new- Bailey was chewing their ass out about an intern and attending fooling around together- and now it was so different, yet strangely the same.

"I have a thing for ferryboats…" Derek beamed.

"This is the one…" Meredith whispered against his ear as she rose onto her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

Derek's face flushed, his heart pounded harder, and his fingers tightened against her side. This was the place where they'd make their first home together- where they could live alone with just each other and no roommates until they perfected the house where they were going to spend the rest of their lives together.

After they had gone to the realtor's office and signed the lease, paid the deposit and first month's rent, they were driving back. Derek glanced at his watch, squinting slightly out of the window as he navigated the downtown Seattle streets, as Meredith sat beside him, tapping the keys on her phone. Sighing happily as the 'sent' bell chimed. She rested her head on the window, stretching her legs out as she absentmindedly looked out of the window, flipping the phone in her hands, her foot tapping gently to the beat of the music playing softly on the radio.

"Wanna go for lunch?" Derek asked her casually. "We could take the ferry…"

She laughed a little, shaking her head as she reached over the centre console to hold his hand. He took her hand into his fingers, bringing it up to his lips to kiss it gently before bringing it back down to his armrest as he rubbed his fingers against the back of her hand. Her soft skin felt like silk, warm against his fingertips. His fingers rose up to her wrist, grasping it gently as he felt the rise and fall of her pulse in time with his.

Derek tightened the scarf around his neck as they went up to the deck of the ferry as it started to move away from the dock. Meredith leaned against the rails, her fingers in woollen gloves as she gripped the metal, watching the boat cut through the water. She should have been more scared of this- of travelling anywhere on a boat ever again- of being on a dock. If she was honest with herself, her heart did beat in her chest a little faster when she went close-ish to the edge of land next to a body of water.

What if the water was cold again? What if she didn't have the energy to swim like before? Derek might not have been there to save her. But then as soon as the moment of fear came, it was replaced with rational thought. Ferryboats were still safer than cars and airplanes. It was a freak accident, she didn't jump into the water- she was pushed. And Derek WAS there, so all in all, the hypothesising didn't matter, and all that mattered was that she was there, with Derek.

Derek found his place right behind her, embracing her as his hands rested right beside hers as their hair became tousled with the wind. She wouldn't fall now. There were no more freak accidents, because it wasn't just her in her life now. Now there was Derek, and she had to be less reckless with her life- because what she did affected him too. As Derek came closer, he could feel Meredith relax. He had always wondered if she were scared of the water after the accident- but she had always suggested still going by ferry instead of the bridge, in what he supposed was an attempt to show him that falling into the water didn't affect her.

"You know what's stupid?" Meredith said suddenly, piercing the silence. "I take risks- I put my hands inside a body cavity knowing there's live ammunition in it, and I go right up to the side of a dock to help an injured person, who then pushes me off of it- because it's my job to help sick people. And I never thought about the dangers involved in any of that- and then, then for a long time, I ran away from the progression of our relationship, scared to make the next step because I didn't want to fuck it up- for you and me, and through that caution, it became cowardice without me realising it."

Derek nuzzled his cheek with hers as he leaned forward. " Hey…if cowardice is your weakness, then I have always found that you're prepared to fight with me- perhaps especially with me…" Derek whispered, his hand moving to cover hers that rested on the railing. Maybe with him, but not always for him. But if only he knew that she did fight for him in that weird place in her head while she was dead…

His voice dripped into her ears,and soothed her anxieties. She closed her eyes, concentrating of the warm feeling of him behind her, his heat on her back. "I think I was in denial to myself that in fighting you I'd lose what really matters. I mean…who do you live for? yourself? Someone else? I don't know, making that transition from just looking after yourself and caring for another person is a difficult one. When I tried to care for my mother, it wasn't really reciprocated, was it?"

Derek felt a twinge in his heart for Meredith as he heard the hurt and pain in her tone of voice. He remembered that day of lucidity where Ellis made him feel like a piece of crap on the underside of her shoe, where she brought up every insecurity he may have felt, and made it real. He tried to remember that Ellis was a scorned woman- and to get through everyday she had to believe that love wasn't enough, that wanting it didn't mean you could have it- because if she did realise people were happy in life, she wouldn't have been able to get out of bed in the mornings. It was her defence mechanism, and Meredith had to learn that what her mother taught her wasn't true. "I think you're doing well with it, Mer. We just signed the lease on our first apartment together- we're in a happy place now."

They were in a happy place now- truly."So…" Meredith began as she shivered ever so slightly, turning to face him, her button nose red from the cold. "What's the thing with ferryboats? You've never explained that…" She wasn't avoiding any more deep discussion about the past, but this is what she did- just little bits at a time, digestable chunks that wouldn't overwhelm her, sprinkled with some lightheartedness, because these parts were what made the day brighter.

Derek smiled sadly. Ferryboats. It was a bittersweet memory for him. Meredith's hand fell down his arm to reach for his hand, the other resting on his shoulder, the weight of it letting him know she was there. Her eyes were imploring him to tell her what was wrong- and that she was strong enough to take it. And he knew she was. She was honouring the vows, even if they were said in a quickie wedding in Vegas, she honoured them everyday. This was the woman who felt so impossibly far from him, was now there… not even inches away from him, waiting for him to answer her.

"I guess it's another thing I've never told you before, isn't it? Sometimes we used to go to New York- our whole family- go watch a show on broadway, go to the zoo, there were enough birthdays scattered around the year for us to get to choose the thing we wanted to do while we were in the city. And then once every trip my father used to take us on the ferry to Staten Island- just me and him- male bonding without all the girls. In my seven year old brain, I don't remember much except the coffee ice cream and the boat…the smell of the spray, the wind in my hair. I don't… I don't always remember my father's face, but I remember the ice cream and the boats." Derek told her quietly, his voice almost silent against the whirring of the boat's engines beneath them and the howling of the wind, almost taking his words away before they had a chance to reach Meredith's ears. His lips upturned into a small nostalgic smile, as she could see his eyes go glassy for a few seconds as reminisced. The coffee ice cream, the ferry… it all made sense.

They both had fuzzy memories of their fathers, hazy anecdotes which they couldn't remember if they were told of them, or if the memory was their own. Meredith's memory of her father was of her dad taking her to the tree by the middle school- but she couldn't remember what they did, or talked about- what she remembered most of all was feeling her loss when he wasn't there- asking Ellis where daddy went, only to get a non-committal grunt as an answer.

"At least you have that, Derek…" Meredith replied, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head on his chest as she became pinned against his warm body and the hard metal railings. "I don't… the bad memories of my father as I know him now have overshadowed those innocent childhood recollections. All I'm left with is knowing that the death of my stepmother drove my father to become an alcoholic- and that he blames me for that death. And therefore, I guess I drove my father to the bottom of those scotch bottles."

Even though she was a Shepherd, her past still affected her. Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just plasters over the cracks. She was still vulnerable, she was still hurt, she still felt responsible for what had happened. There were always a million 'what ifs' in everyone's lives, but Meredith probably felt them more. "Do you really believe that?" Derek asked her.

His voice was smooth, and it made her feel better. It rumbled from his chest to her ears, and it soothed the pain that she felt, it eased the guilt. He didn't believe it. She closed her eyes, willing the insecurity she felt inside to just go away, for that urge to think she wasn't worthy of this- of his love and support to disappear with his words, with the way his hands stretched across her back and held her. "Sometimes…" She admitted.

He wouldn't go anywhere. She knew that when she felt him sigh and hold her tighter. It wasn't just the boat that was going up and down and from side to side, but her emotions were too- from teasing conversations one minute, to serious ones the next and back again, to and fro, side to side… reaching their destination. At least they were travelling to the same place together. Because Meredith knew his love was enough for her to know deep down that none of it was her fault- it was just 'one of those things.' Although that excuse was lame, and the platitude was hollow, it was frighteningly true. More often than not, as they knew all too well with their jobs, sometimes there were no reasonable explanations for why horrible things happen- and why they happen to good people. Sometimes things were beyond rationalisation, and the key was to accept it, without inadvertently settling to be mediocre.

The ferry was slowing down as it approached the dock, and the few people brave enough to mill around on the deck in February were making their way inside, ready to go down to their cars in the underground deck. "Hey! No more sad talk, ok?" Derek admonished, his voice cheery again as he stood back from her and kissed her on the lips. Hard. Trying to give her enough of the good stuff to believe it. "A good day starts with a good breakfast, and I'm determined to make this a good day! We found an apartment! That's a cause for celebration."

She saw the smile on his face spread inch by inch, and it was infectious. Soon, she was smiling too just because she was seeing him smile. Underneath that smile that she loved so much, there would always be that little boy who remembered his dad through ice cream and ferryboats, and he knew what sadness was- but he showed her he didn't consume himself with it- that he could still be happy. That way, Derek was an inspiration- how to have hope when life gave you a reason not to, and that was just one more reason to love him.

**********************************************************************************************

_**Entwined**_

_**All that we are is defined by each other's shipwrecked hearts**_

_**And I shiver to think**_

_**What would have been if I wouldn't have seen you in time **_

_**Would we pass by?**_

_**Like parachutes and air balloons **_

_**Or satellites and lonely moons**_

_**We'd still be drifting far apart but thank the stars we are **_

_**Entwined**_

_**All that you are is mine**_

_**Your divine imperfections color the dark**_

_**And I shiver to see**_

_**How fragile you are when the world's such a cruel place to be**_

_**Then you cut me free**_

_**Like parachutes and air balloons **_

_**Or satellites and lonely moons**_

_**We'd still be drifting far apart but thank the stars we are entwined**_

_**Let's walk the tight rope together without a safety net**_

_**And when we fall**_

_**And we will fall let's fall forever **_

_**Entwined.**_

**Jason Reeves-Entwined.**


	5. Chapter 5: MEMORIES

Meredith pulled into her driveway late at night, for what would possibly be the last time- tomorrow Derek and she were moving out, they were getting the keys to their apartment, and she would no longer be living in her house. As she locked the car door, she noticed the lights were on in Derek's office- he must have been deciding what to keep and what to throw. She slowly walked up the driveway, taking her time as memories of her childhood and adulthood, good and bad flooded her mind. She barely heard the front door open as Derek met her on the porch.

"Hey…" He greeted in a hug. Even though he was just in his socks, he was still much taller than her, and her head nestled neatly just below the crook of his neck. She stayed still, reluctant to break the contact with him. He smelled gorgeous- faintly of the soap from the shower he took that morning, the fabric conditioner they used and something else she couldn't place...the faded scent of his cologne that he splashed on in the morning, perhaps. It was Derek, and it warmed her, comforted her, made her not feel like she was herself.

He guided them to the swing on the porch, and she was curled up on his lap as he gently swung them to and fro. Meredith's arms were looped around Derek's neck, playing with the curls that hid under the collar of his t-shirt. They twisted around her fingers several times, smooth and silky in between her fingertips- he'd be needing a haircut soon. His arms wrapped comfortably around her waist as he leant his head against hers. By her silence he knew she was thinking about something, and he easily guessed it was about her leaving her home. But he wouldn't probe and push, she'd tell him when she was ready.

They sat there for a few minutes before Meredith spoke. "You know this swing has been here longer than I remember?" She said quietly, her voice in time with the gentle squeak of the swing. "This house has been my home for longer than I remember…Boston wasn't home. We came back when I was in seventh grade, and when I spent the first night here, it felt like I'd come back home. This was the last place I felt like I had a family."

Meredith could still remember standing on the couch, waving to her daddy out of the window, waving goodbye when he drove off to work. She did it everyday, and he always came back in the evening, except one day he never came back. She was left alone with her mother- her mother whose Victorian novel romance was ruined by her child. It wasn't a family any more, it was just another broken home. She only had her mother- who gave her the feeling she didn't want her. Meredith didn't fit into the mould Ellis wanted, and therefore everyday there were battles which were never solved, only compounded. But Meredith held onto those faded memories of having a mother and a father, of having birthday parties and art projects- of having a happy home. She clung to them even if she never told anyone about her hidden sentimentality.

And now those feelings of safety and security- the ones she hadn't had for so long were hers again with Derek. After he pulled her out of the freezing water when she fell in it and drowned, after he relentlessly breathed life into her in the ambulance for god knows how long, she knew she could trust him to be there. He was there- but could she trust herself to _let_ him be there? She had learned to let him be there, because not every man would go away, even if she pushed him. Wasn't that the way she protected herself from the disappointment after all?

'_Look, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower. Okay? And when I get back down here, you won't be here.'_

If she said it first, then it didn't hurt as much. Don't expect a man to still be there when you get back, and avoid the disappointment when he isn't. But Derek was different, he was there every single time, and once she had gotten past being suspicious and wary of his love, she loved him all the more for it.

"And now you have a whole other family in this house Mer. Izzie is baking enough cookies to feed us in our new apartment for a month- I think it's her way of trying to distract herself that we're moving out, and Alex got us boxes. It's understandable you're a bit nostalgic." Derek agreed. He knew how much of a big move this was- and it humbled him to know that she loved him that much to willingly remove herself from her comfort zone of her house and begin something new with him.

In a way, this was the real start of their marriage, because before this nothing much had changed since they had gotten back from Vegas- not really. Sure, she was known as Dr. Shepherd, but her friends living with them had been good buffers to any marital angst that might have arisen if they had been alone. They'd spend whole evenings together alone, and wake up in the morning and have breakfast together, without Izzie complaining about Alex, without glitter all over the table and all other manner of strange things that only ever seemed to happen in Meredith's house.

Derek coaxed her out of his lap even though he didn't really want to- but they still had packing and sorting to do. He held the door open for Meredith, and she shuffled in. He stopped at the threshold of the door, the bristles of the doormat poking the soles of his feet through the thin material of his socks. It might have been her home for longer, but he also had memories in this house that had become his home too. She had beaten him out of the door with her purse when she found the unsigned divorce papers that fell out of his bag. He had come here after the bomb, and they had kissed on the bottom step as if they were each other's oxygen- once he realised just how mortal they were. The first time he had entered this hallway, he had had more glasses of scotch than he could remember, and they had stumbled into the bench and managed to collapse onto the couch in a giggly, drunken half-naked mess. And then he got kicked out the next morning.

And yet, they were moving out, and that brought a whole new excitement too, a whole other place to make other memories they could look back on with the same fondness. But that didn't mean that either of them weren't taking their own moments to reminisce about and lose themselves in their nostalgia. Instinctively, he grabbed Meredith who was barely a step in front of him, and spun her around to face him. His lips magnetically found hers as he closed his eyes, savouring the taste of her tongue, the feel of her weight against him as they stood in this hallway.

They eventually broke off the kiss, and Meredith blinked once, twice, three times, as she waited for the stars to disappear from her eyes. "What was that for?" she asked, dizzy- delightfully disorientated.

Derek smiled, bringing his fingers to her chin, rubbing her smooth skin as he bent down for another, more chaste kiss. "Just making another memory…" He smiled against her lips.

**-X-X-X-**

"You know, that's the fourth box you've labelled as 'stuff'" Derek noted amusedly as he watched Meredith rifle through forgotten boxes from her childhood.

They had stopped looking when they found the boxes of diaries, and had stacked them up in a corner of Derek's office. Meredith was scared of what she might find, something that was worse than the diaries perhaps. It felt like she was intruding on Ellis's private life, because her mother never divulged information about herself freely. Meredith didn't really _know_ her mother as a person, not at least like how Richard knew her. She knew her as the tyrant- tryant mother and surgeon who didn't let anyone or anything stand in her way- and Meredith was one of those obstacles that she had to dodge. Even the little clearing and sorting that Meredith did, she felt like she was violating her mother's privacy while she was doing it. She was wracked with guilt as she sorted through papers when she first got back to Seattle, and again when she was going through the boxes. These things weren't meant for her to see- if Ellis had had more time, Meredith was sure she would have gotten rid of it all, because none of it was supposed to be seen by Meredith's eyes.

"If you think you can think of a better name for the boxes, be my guest." Meredith replied grumpily, sitting down on the floor after she put the lid back on the marker. Maybe she should just not bother and just dump them in the basement. There couldn't have been anything of use in these boxes anyway.

Derek laughed, shaking his head as he opened another box. He could see the difficulties that arose when both parents died. He shuddered to think what it would be like when his mother died, the chaos that would ensue, and the time it would take to sort through over forty years of junk his mother had collected over the years. Even though there would have been five of them sorting all of it out, it was five people's worth of lifetime, plus grandchildren's things. He had taken for granted that his mother had kept all the stuff he never even realised mattered, like old school report cards, high school graduation pictures, every single mention of them in any published paper or magazine. She held onto those memories for them, and cherished them more than they ever could. But if she died, who would have taken ownership of all those things? How could you just throw away proof of your childhood and evolution into adulthood? That's why Meredith had four boxes labelled 'stuff'. Because she didn't know what the hell else she could do with those things. She couldn't dump the past thirty years of her life because her new apartment couldn't hold it.

Meredith was mentally preparing herself to go through another box, when she heard Derek laugh behind her. She spun around quickly, raising her eyebrows questioningly as she saw Derek hold something in his hands and laugh. He looked at her, his blue eyes shining with amusement as he held out a certificate. "You were spelling bee champion in fifth grade…"

Meredith blushed, quickly getting up from her place on the floor on the opposite side of the room to rush over to Derek. She looked at the certificate in his hands, her name handwritten onto it. "Oh my god! This is my box of school stuff!" She said, peering into it. "Well… I came second in the whole city of Boston, you know." Meredith added proudly.

She was transported back to that time where she was a kid again, not quite jaded and damaged enough not to hope that there would be _something_ she did that would make her mother notice her for five minutes. She remembered sitting in her corner in the nurses station, diligently memorising spellings for the bee while her mother stayed that little bit longer than she had to, in order to impress her attendings. But when she showed her mother the certificate, all she got was a prickly 'well done' from her mother- but there was no genuine smile, no hug, no real congratulations. And Meredith had still been searching for that magic something that would have made her mother really proud, right up until the day she died- and beyond.

Derek grinned at her as her chest puffed up with pride left over from her childhood. He knew Ellis wouldn't have praised her the way she deserved, that she would have tried to win as a way of getting her attention, and would have failed. He imagined Meredith as a little girl reciting her spellings proudly, and somewhere in that, it morphed into imagining _their_ children reciting spellings in front of a microphone. Except Meredith and he would be there to support them and congratulate them, and that thought made his heart swell.

Meredith smiled at him as she quickly looked at all the other things in the boxes, from certificates to report cards, and then she suddenly stopped. Her expression stayed mostly the same as she began putting things back in the box, but there was an almost imperceptible change in her face- and Derek caught it. The sides of her lips flattened ever so slightly, and her eyes, always a gateway into her thoughts narrowed, the sparkle fell out of them as the flecks of gold in her irises retreated back into nowhere, saving themselves for another time. She covered it up quickly, as she replaced the fallen face with a mischievous one.

"A closet nerd. And here you were laughing at me, a band geek. I bet you were in those super brain Olympiads just like the rest of us…even though you had rebellious pink hair" Derek laughed.

Meredith blushed, knowing she'd been caught out. "Yes! Fine. I was a member of the Olympiad. And then I found alcohol and boys…So now you _know_ I let you try on the crosswords, even though I could beat you…"

Derek gasped, feigning hurt. "_Beat me?!_ You think you let me try at the crossword while you could solve one without any trouble?"

"You didn't get 'zenith' that time, and I got it, even though you didn't give me any letters…" Meredith countered gleefully, picking up the box of school stuff to take to the basement.

Truth was, Derek was distracted that time. She was sitting in bed in those tight fitting yoga pants that hugged every last contour of her legs, and munching on bran flakes as her toes wiggled against his side. He wasn't thinking about the crossword; he was thinking about Meredith…naked. Derek remembered that time, as she triumphantly guessed the word, and instinctively, he pulled her to him by the waist as he kneeled on the bed, kissing her deeply, abandoning the crossword tossing the paper aside carelessly as it hit the floor, wanting to take them both to a zenith of their own.

Remembering that memory, it stirred something inside of him, and as she was coming up the stairs from the basement, he went to her at the top of them, pushing her against the door as he shut it, kissing her deeply, his hands feathering touches just above the waistband of her jeans as he tried to get more of her. Peeling themselves away, Meredith knew Derek saw her face fall as she looked through that box; his eyes full of lust and an unmistakable concern. She licked her lips, tasting Derek on them, anticipating the feel of his kisses on her skin again. But she could see him deciding whether he would ruin this moment with talking about it, or whether he thought it was minor enough to let it go. Meredith's tongue darted out of her mouth again, wetting her lips as she considered just telling him what made her sad for that fleeting moment, which memories they conjured up. She heard him whisper her name:

"_**Meredith…"**_

_Tell me what's on your mind._

_I need you._

_I love you._

She was just about to, but he came closer, nibbling gently at her lips, his hands moving up as his mouth moved down, and soon, she found it difficult to keep her head up, resting it against his shoulder as he hit all the places that made her bite her lips to suppress the throaty moan that threatened to escape. He pulled her up the stairs gently to their bedroom- that they entered for the last time as their official residence. They both stumbled in as they wrestled to take off each other's clothing, unwilling to be the one's to break contact with the other's naked skin. But soon, all clothes were shed, and he was taking her down again, down into that hot and wet timeless void where nothing but the sensation of their bodies touching, joined, pervaded her mind. Reality was forgotten again but for this one fleeting moment. Yes, she would tell him tonight... after...after...

And as always, the moments after were the safest and happiest ones, where no one could touch them, past, present or future, and it was just them, only them. But as breathing returned to normal, and their bodies cooled down, so did their existence in the real world. Derek held Meredith, her back flush against his chest, his arm protectively encircling her naked torso as he closed his eyes, feeling Meredith's nerve endings tingle like his. She shifted, and stiffened slightly as she continued to lie with her back towards him. She was there, she wasn't kicking him out, but the openness he experienced mere minutes before was disappearing as quickly as they regained their senses. Derek chose not to say anything, but just brought her closer, kissing her shoulder and collar bone up to her neck, his swollen lips skimming her hot skin with unspoken words:

_Tell me what's on your mind._

_I need you._

_I love you._

"My mother kept my school stuff." Meredith started, her voice soft in the dark. "My mom shipped all my school achievements from Boston and kept them in a box. She didn't throw them away and she kept every single thing, she cared enough to keep them. She _was_ that mom, she just never showed it. Maybe she was hardening me up for the real world, preparing me so that I wouldn't hold out for the married man…"

Meredith didn't think about what she said, and about how that directly related to them until after she said it. The revelation hit them both, the parallels between Meredith and her mother hit them hard, jarred into their brains, like the feeling of the seatbelt restraining you in a car crash. Despite the tough love she did everything her mother taught her not to do. Because she never actually made Meredith feel special. So when Derek was the first one to want her for more than just one night- Meredith didn't take heed of her mother's unspoken warnings.

"I'm glad you held out for the married man." Derek whispered, his voice close to breaking as Meredith turned towards him. Even in the dim glow of a lamp on the dresser, Derek could see her eyes staring into his, her hand gripped his as if she let go, this moment would end. And she didn't want it to. "I'm so glad. Look how you've grown Mer. You are talking about this stuff, and sharing. This is the real world…"

Guilt ate away at those supportive words. Meredith grew, but she was pushed. "Derek…" She sighed. "I don't know how to tell you this but- I didn't do that growing on my own. I had help. I…for a while I...went to therapy."

Derek blinked rapidly, his hand loosened on hers in shock. Meredith went to therapy to face her problems. Instead of denying they existed she confronted them. And then the questions came. When? Why didn't she tell him? He expected to be filled with hurt that she didn't tell him, and that he wasn't enough support for her, and yet, he was just filled with relief that she had found a way of trying to make sense of herself, of seeing herself the way Derek saw her.

"I felt like I was failing everyone, Derek." She whispered. She couldn't stop telling him now, words were flowing out, even though she wished she could. "I was in this place where I failed as a daughter, I was failing as a girlfriend to you, and we were failing in the trial. I was trying in the trial and it didn't work. I was hoping that if I could make the improbable successful, I could find it in myself to know I could try with you as 'Derek and Meredith' and be rewarded with a payoff- that I wouldn't invest into it so it wouldn't fail. But then patients were dying…and I was making you feel that too…and so I was failing you professionally and personally. My god, it seems such a mess…"

"Meredith…" Derek began, his voice sounding stronger than he felt. "If you were failing me as a girlfriend and resident surgeon, then I was failing you as a boyfriend and as your attending. You shouldn't have needed to go to therapy to talk about whatever you talked about there, and I shouldn't have leaned on you so much during the trial."

"You want to know what I found out in therapy?" Meredith inquired, her voice small and quiet, with a splash on vulnerability.

Derek's fingers found her cheek, brushing across her warm skin. "Only if you want to tell me…" He answered. In a way, it didn't matter what she said, what she realised. What mattered was that she was whole and healed enough to tell him why she felt sad earlier on that day, and that she went to therapy to fix what she thought needed to be fixed.

The comforting rhythm of his fingers on her cheek lulled her into a veil of drowsiness. Her eyes fluttered open and closed as she tried to stay awake long enough to tell him. "I read it in college…Seneca 'letters of a stoic', book 1, letter 35 but I didn't really understand what it really meant until I went to therapy. I do now." She mumbled as she fell asleep.

**-X-X-X-**

Meredith had curled up into him, limp and motionless as she enjoyed a deep sleep. She was finally free of keeping therapy from him, there was no guilt, there was no way he'd find out from somewhere else that she had sought help, he didn't feel betrayed. She was free. But Derek wasn't. He lay there, looking up at the ceiling as he held her, tracking imaginary patterns with his eyes. Meredith's cryptic explanation had him thinking a mile-a-minute, wondering what it was she found out. He had never read Seneca's letters, and he certainly didn't know what she was talking about. He knew sleep wouldn't come his way until he knew, until he found out what Meredith's enlightenment was.

Reluctantly, he peeled himself away from her warm body as she slept peacefully, barely disturbed by the shifting mattress as he pulled his tired body out of bed. He put on his robe, and quietly tiptoed down the dark hallway, creeping down the stairs as his toes felt chilled against the hardwood floor. He reached his office, flipping on the lamp on his desk and taking his laptop from the bag, all packed and ready to be taken to their new apartment later on this morning. He drummed his fingers against the wood desk impatiently as he waited for his computer to boot up, trying to think about what Meredith meant, and what she found out.

She sure was a mystery, even despite the fact he knew her so well. He knew she was intelligent, she was a spark, but he always thought she felt embarrassed of her intellect, rather than wanting to inflate it, unlike Cristina. She never told him how well read she was, all he saw were trashy magazines with '_100 top ways to please your man in bed'_ emblazoned all over them. But Meredith had read things, she had understood things. She had conceptualised a trial all by herself, she had beaten the other residents to win the sparkle pager- she was a spelling bee champion… but she was also the girl who liked to dance it out when things got tough, got herself lost in a tequila-driven haze, which lead to imprudent sexual decisions. That's who Meredith was. He didn't always understand her, but he loved her.

She was still an enigma he was decoding all the time.

He typed quickly, the sound of his fingers hitting the keys impatiently piercing the stillness of the night. As he read the letter she referred to, he heard her voice reading to him in his head, telling him all the things she couldn't say. The section was entitled _the friendship of kindred minds_. Kindred- related, family. Just the title filled him with an optimism, with a pride that Meredith back then had realised that they were a family- something they had now taken for granted.

'_**We feel a joy over those whom we love, even when separated from them, but such a joy is light and fleeting;'**_

They had been separated; and she still loved him. He could tell by the way she couldn't look at Addison and him together, the way she gave him longing looks down the hallway and shrugged him away in electric intimate moments in the elevator where feelings had to be suppressed. And the joy was fleeting, because at the end of the day when they had gone home, neither Meredith nor Derek were in bed with the one that they really wanted to fall asleep with- all they had were memories of those two months together.

'_**The sight of a man, and his presence, and communion with him, afford something of living pleasure; this is true, at any rate, if one not only sees the man one desires, but the sort of man one desires.'**_

Derek was the man she desired, and the right sort. It wasn't about the perfect hair, and dreamy neurosurgeon status- it was about him, although, sure… the hair helped. She had to learn to derive pleasure from living with him rather than feeling suffocated and intimidated by it. And she had, because they were moving out into an apartment together, and despite her nervousness, she was excited about it. He could tell by the way her eyes lit up when she talked about it, and her expression was more animated.

Derek smiled as he thought about spending quiet evenings together, snatching those moments alone, where it felt like the world began and ended with them on the couch watching that bad DVD and eating take out pizza. It was truly a living pleasure. He saw her looking at him sometimes with wonderment, especially after they got married, as if to ask him 'are you really mine?' He was hers. Wholly hers, even when he was with Addison, his heart was solely hers.

'_**Give yourself to me, therefore, as a gift of great price, and, that you may strive the more, reflect that you yourself are mortal, and that I am old. Hasten to find me, but hasten to find yourself first. Make progress, and, before all else, endeavour to be consistent with yourself. '**_

And maybe this was Meredith's true lesson with therapy. It was facilitating her to have a relationship with Derek, it made her realise that she had to think herself worthy of his love and support, and not waiting for the world to fall down around her, wait for the other shoe to drop. Her mother might have thought the tough love approach was better than coddling her- but it had the opposite effect. Meredith had to believe herself to be lovable, because for so long she hadn't been told that she was loved.

Since the trial, Meredith truly had found herself. She had a new confidence with Derek, a confidence to tell him what she really thought, and still hope that he loved her. She had given herself to him, and although her motive to seek help might have been to be stronger for their relationship, it had really just strengthened her- and that was fixing the weak link.

Everyone had a mortality, and they understood that better than anyone else. Meredith had nearly died twice, and although she had faced that two more times than anyone would ever want to, there was no point of coming back from the brink of death unless you learned something from it. And for a long while, Meredith didn't want to face it, she wanted to push it away and pretend it didn't happen. She had learned in therapy to face that it happened, and come back stronger- realise that this was her second chance. She couldn't die and not know what it was like to be with Derek, to share his life with her. A whiff of him wasn't enough, she wanted and needed so much more than that- she wanted the house, and the dog, she wanted the crappy babies and the arguments and the laughter and everything in between. She fell into the sound, she was thrown twelve feet by the bomb, but she was there. There was value in being able to say her greatest achievement in life was her relationship with Derek, and even though Ellis had told her it wasn't a measurement of success, it truly was. The legacy of surgical accolades was hollow if there was no one to share it with.

'_**And when you would find out whether you have accomplished anything, consider whether you desire the same things today that you desired yesterday. A shifting of the will indicates that the mind is at sea, heading in various directions, according to the course of the wind. But that which is settled and solid does not wander from its place.'**_

Derek could see her strength, and conviction now. She knew what she wanted, and had the self-assurance to get it. He was transported back to that conference in Las Vegas, when she had the certainty in her mind to come to him and ask him to marry him. She approached him and declared she was ready to have the lifetime with him, and the way her hands gripped his, he knew that any doubts he could have had were squeezed away with the strength of her fingers wrapped around his.

Meredith wanted to be Derek's wife yesterday, she wanted it today, she'd want it tomorrow and everyday. That was the true sign of accomplishment, of a confidence in them. Now, they were in such a strong place, communicating and supporting, that there was no sign that her mind was at sea. Derek laughed ruefully in the dark as he thought about it, her mind being knocked out to sea as she fell into the water, his sad memories of her distance after he saved her from that freezing water, the helplessness he felt when Meredith retreated from his love and support, and the way he clung to the feeling of her in his arms after sex, hoping that every time would be the last time he felt her defensive walls go up while she was still naked in his embrace He shivered uncomfortably as he thought of how close he was to ending it, to wondering why she wasn't there in the relationship, whether she loved him, or whether he could love enough for the both of them. He could feel the force of her pushing him away as if she had her hands on his chest. He understood her now. Pushing first was better than being pushed, she had believed it hurt less. There was no other option, having a happy ending didn't used to be a possibility in her life. But now he knew nothing could convince her Derek didn't love her too. Because he lived with roommates even though he didn't want to, he let her order anchovies on their pizza even though he didn't like them, because love was about more than that.

They were more than that.

_**This is the blessed lot of the completely wise man, and also, to a certain extent, of him who is progressing and has made some headway. **_

Yes, maybe she wasn't there yet, maybe she had some way to go. But so had Derek. His marriage to Addison was a different entity from his marriage to Meredith, because no two relationships were the same. It was about the connection with the other person, and both were so different. He couldn't have said that he didn't love Addison, of course he did, he spent eleven years with her. But the love between Meredith and him was different- he didn't know how, or even whether it was more or less, but it was different. And Meredith understood the Derek as he was now, not Derek fresh out of medical school. She wasn't living in the past, clinging to it and it's memories, but instead they were creating it for the future. They'd look back on this time and remember it fondly.

Everyone was evolving and changing, and it was about doing it together rather than moving apart. They had to strike that balance between being together, and still being themselves. They weren't completely wise yet, and Derek doubted they ever would be, because there would always be something that made their little cocoon a little less than perfect, but as long as they were together, and supported each other through it, that was all that mattered.

Derek read the passage a few more times, realising through reading it how profoundly it had filtered through Meredith's psyche, and changed her way of thinking. He sniffed away the tears that formed in his eyes as he realised that now, after reading the passage, and Meredith admitting to him that she sought help to fix problems she felt within herself, that he felt closer to her than ever. He closed the lid of the laptop and placed it in his bag, flipping the light off again to leave the room how he left it. He climbed up the stairs wearily. Now his brain had been satisfied, he felt the weight of his limbs pull him down as sleep clouded his conscious.

He found Meredith in the same position as she left him, her body memorised his curves against her even as she slept. He slipped into the bed beside her, his cold hands and feet warmed by her body heat under the covers. He felt his eyes close as soon as his head hit the pillow and he curled himself back into position with Meredith, partner pieces of the same jigsaw puzzle. He joined her in a dreamless sleep, both of them feeling as if they understood everything a little more than when they had woken up that morning. And maybe that's what life was all about.

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

_**We'll bathe in rose petals, red  
And lie in violet lilac beds  
And through the darkness of the night  
We'll watch our future shining bright**_

And out of everyone I've met  
It's you I can't forget

And there was a time my heart was aching  
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking  
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new

And in the shadows of the night  
I'll trace your silhouette in candlelight  
And if you fall asleep when you rise  
I'll be there to kiss your eyes

And now my heart is in your hand  
So baby, understand

And there was a time my heart was aching  
Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking  
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new  
So don't cry, Angel  
I will stay the whole night through  
Forevermore, I'll be loving you.  


**Maria Taylor- Speak easy****.**


	6. Chapter 6: VALENTINE

Meredith groaned as the shrill beeping of the alarm became louder and louder as she became more awake. Reluctant to open her eyes, she fumbled around for the button, eventually managing to find it, plunging the room into the welcome silence again. She knew if she didn't force herself to get up, she'd fall asleep again, and even though she didn't live even ten minutes walk from the hospital now, she'd be late. Pulling off enough of the covers to get herself out of bed but not to make a sleeping Derek cold, she stumbled sleepily to the bathroom squinting into the mirror as her eyes adjusted to the bright light in the bathroom.

She groaned again as she saw herself in the mirror. Her hair looked untameable, and dark circles showed how sleep deprived she was. And she was. They moved the last box into the new apartment at half past twelve in the morning, and were trying to unpack essentials until two. Then of course, they had to celebrate that they moved in- break in the bed, and Meredith didn't even know what time they both fell asleep. She splashed the ice cold water on her face, hoping it would wake her up some. She knew she couldn't have had more than four hours sleep, and she knew she wouldn't get back till late that night.

Picking up a shirt and a pair of jeans from a box left on the bedroom floor, she looked longingly at Derek, who lay motionless on the bed, his hand thrown over her side of the bed, still dreaming that Meredith was there by his side. She envied him, knowing he had the day off, but at least she guilted him into unpacking most of the things. His dark hair was muzzed from contact with the pillow, his lips turned up into a hint of a smile as he slept, and the planes of his back muscles were defined even in the relative dark of their new bedroom. She just wanted to sit on the edge of the bed, and press her fingertips into every contour, and fall back into a dreamless sleep with him. But she couldn't, and so she forced her eyes away from his sleeping form and picked up her purse from the counter, ready to start the day.

"How's the unpacking going, Mer?" Izzie asked as they met in the hallway, their interns behind their respective resident, waiting impatiently for orders. As the two residents stopped and chatted between themselves, the interns intermingled, discussing which cool procedure they might have been able to do that day.

"I err… we didn't get a whole lot of unpacking done…" Meredith admitted, biting her lip guiltily. "We were very tired…"

"Uh-huh…" Izzie laughed, nodding her head. "It was this weird this morning without you. I kept expecting you to come rushing down the stairs to come to work with us. I made too much coffee this morning."

"Yeah, it's an adjustment." Meredith agreed, shoving her hands in her pockets. "I was late this morning, and actually managed to crawl out of the house without my travel flask of coffee. I took for granted there'd be coffee all this time."

So maybe the whole having breakfast together alone thing didn't really work out for the first day, but Meredith couldn't bring herself to wake Derek up at six when they slept later than two. It was just as well she was assigned to post-op and there was little chance of going into the OR that day- she was yawning every five minutes as she sat at a computer screen typing in requests for tests.

By lunchtime and three cups of coffee later, and Meredith was still yawning. She stirred the sugar in her coffee cup as she sat on her own at a table in the cafeteria, waiting for Cristina to join her. She saw the liquid level in her cup wobble, threatening to spill over the side as Cristina's tray fell onto the table.

"How's the sex without roommates?" Cristina asked, twisting the cap off her bottle of water. She smiled knowingly, seeing Meredith's tired, pale complexion, dark rings circling her eyes as she watched her friend add more sugar to her coffee cup, stirring weakly. "That good, huh?" Cristina laughed at Meredith's pain.

"Shuttup…" Meredith shot back weakly. "You know what makes it worse is that Derek didn't even move a single muscle this morning as I got ready for work. He didn't even mumble a goodbye. Unsympathetic ass."

"Don't be like that, Mer. It's Valentine's day tomorrow- which is a Friday. It'll be a weekend love-fest of people pretending to be in love more than they really are. Love will be in the air. Breathe in some of that." Meredith knew Cristina better than that, and knew her tone was insincere. She knew Cristina didn't believe in Valentine's day, and in celebrating it, but enjoyed watching other people fall for the gimmick of it all.

Meredith however, was almost looking forward to it- until she realised it wouldn't turn out like she hoped. "You know, it's our first Valentine's day as a married couple, and both of us are working nights. It's Derek's turn as neuro attending on-call, and I'm manning the gastro floor. It'll be the most non-romantic Valentine's day ever!" She grumbled, sliding down further in her chair. No amount of stomach-burningly-strong coffee would alleviate that situation.

"Ah well… you've become an old boring married couple now. Derek's office and on call rooms are old and tired places to 'celebrate your love.' It's all about finding new places…" Cristina told her friend with a knowing look.

Meredith's interest piqued, and she sat up again, leaning forward, elbows on the table as she lowered her voice."Hmm…yeah…speaking of new places- where IS that place you go hideout with Owen?"

Cristina scoffed. "You'd never believe me if I tell you…" Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of Cristina's pager. She unclipped it from her scrubs, smiling as she saw the code on it. "Speaking of which- I'm going there right now…"

"Post-prandial booty call?" Meredith asked, eyebrow raised- her voice tinged with jealousy. She wanted a booty call, and instead all she had was overly sugary coffee.

"You bet your married ass it is. This is why you shouldn't get married- keeps them trying hard." She smirked, picking up her tray. "It's in the basement- in the boiler room…the jets of steam are a major turn on…" She added.

Meredith's eyes narrowed sceptically as she brought the cup of coffee to her lips. "Hmm…." She hummed doubtfully. She couldn't tell if Cristina was lying or telling the truth. There was just enough of a deadpan tone in Cristina's voice for it to be true- but the boiler room? It just sounded like another one of her jokes.

Cristina shrugged her shoulders. "Your loss, Mer." She told her friend as she turned away.

Meredith was still for a moment, letting the caffeine and sugar take effect as she swallowed the liquid, wincing as it burned her throat a little. If she hadn't have given herself only forty five minutes for lunch, she would have tried to take a nap. She was never going to only sleep four hours a night unless she had to ever again. She felt like she could barely carry on, and she didn't even get a post-lunch 'pick-me-up' unlike Cristina, even if it was the 'pick-me-up' she had in the early hours of the morning that had made her so tired in the first place.

So maybe she couldn't get a booty call. But she could make a phone call. She dialled and waited patiently for the other person to pick up.

"Hey…" Derek said into the phone on the other side of the telephone line.

Meredith smiled, despite knowing he wouldn't be able to see it, but she could hear the contentedness in his voice, and when she heard it, and she had heard it a lot lately, it was all the more sweeter after everything that had happened. "Hi. I hope you're unpacking those boxes after your lazy morning sleeping in, Mister." She pretended to hassle him.

"Ah. I see what this is. You're angry because you wore me out at three am and I didn't wake up with you this morning - and now you're holding it against me." He joked.

Meredith laughed, sipping her coffee. "Yes, of course I am. Isn't that what wives are supposed to do to husbands?"

"Hmm. I didn't think we were in a conventional marriage…" he shot back.

"I just pretended it was unconventional to trap you…" Her tone was light, obviously teasing him back equally.

Although they were joking about it, their relationship really was anything but conventional. Meredith wasn't sure how many people would have taken Derek back after he tried again with Addison, or indeed how many men would have stuck around while she was trying to sort out her myriad of issues that her mother had created and then left for someone else to fix. But they really did defy normal parameters, because Meredith asked Derek to marry her, and even though he had asked her a few times if she wanted one, she still didn't want a diamond ring. It was a reminder to herself that she was able to know what she wanted with Derek and to go for it- that she was the one who flew to Las Vegas and asked him to be her husband, that she was the one who suggested they go to a wedding chapel and recite their vows, and return to Seattle as husband and wife. If she had given in, and let Derek buy her the several thousand dollar engagement ring, people wouldn't know how strong Meredith was in getting over her fears and asking him to make the commitment rather than agreeing to one.

"In fact, I think the roles are reversed for today at least, house-husband. Seeing as I'm toiling all day, and you're making our home a better place to live in, I expect a hot dinner when I get back home tonight."

Derek laughed, already formulating a plan in his head.

**-X-X-X-X-X-**

Meredith buttoned up her coat in the lobby of the hospital, preparing for the quick dash she'd have to make through the parking lot in the Seattle downpour. She had turned down drinks at Joe's, much to the chagrin of Cristina, who teased her as being one of those married bubble pod people, whose worlds began and ended with either their husbands or wives. Meredith let her have her fun, and brushed off all the teasing in a good spirit, knowing that Derek had _something_ planned for them. She had pre-empted this invitation to Joe's, and had called Derek in the resident's locker room, to tell him to meet her down there. By the time she braved the sheets of rain and made her way across the street, Derek would have been pulling into the parking lot at the same time. But he had told her he was upholding his end of the informal marriage agreement, and dinner would indeed be on the table by the time she got home.

Meredith couldn't pretend she wasn't excited about it. She was more than ready for the dinners alone with Derek without the interruptions of having to listen to any of Izzie's drama, or whoever happened to be sleeping on their couch. This was the easy part, this was the payoff for enduring all of those painful times where neither she nor Derek could really see why they were in a relationship which hurt so much. But if they hadn't have stuck with it, they wouldn't have been reaping these rewards.

Even the key made a satisfying sound in the door, as Meredith unlocked it, smiling as her eyes fell on the cheesy sparkly '# 1 wife' keychain Derek had given her when they had gotten the keys from the realtor. Even though she had only spent one night in it, it had begun to feel like more of a home than her house had. There weren't any bad memories to taint the good ones here, and her mother's ghost didn't seem to follow her here. She felt like she was finally free to live her life with Derek, and without judgment.

She slipped off her shoes by the door, and hung her coat on the hook as she walked into the open-plan kitchen and living area, which from the hallway seemed dark. She called out Derek's name as she entered, and her head turned towards the kitchen area where Derek stood. He smiled at her, dishing out food onto plates, and took them over to the dining table.

Meredith stood there in shock. Everything in the kitchen and living room seemed unpacked,with appliances on the counter, seeming like they had been there forever, and all the books they brought with them stacked neatly on the bookshelf. He smiled at her as he set the plates down, and then came towards her, kissing her, laying his hand on her shoulder giving it a squeeze. On most surfaces he had put out candles, the same ones she had used to lay their candleprint on the ground by the trailer. Her mouth opened and closed, and opened again helplessly, almost like a fish, as Derek continued to grin at her, and lead her to the table.

"I didn't realise how difficult those candles were to light, Meredith. I nearly burned myself countless number of times. You need one of those long tapered matches…" He pulled out her chair for her, and took a rose from the bunch that was sitting in a vase in the centre of the table, handing it to her with another kiss. "Happy early Valentine's Day…" He whispered, his lips tickling her earlobe.

"You outdid yourself, Derek!" Meredith said in shock. "I was thinking- take-out, or just going to some restaurant…but you unpacked AND cooked?!"

Derek went red, and his sheepish grin betrayed his initial bravado. "Yeah…these two rooms are unpacked…but the bedroom and the office…and the bathrooms? Still very much in disarray." He avoided Meredith's gaze by concentrating on pouring the wine.

"Hey… this is the wine we got on our trip away…" Meredith said, inspecting the bottle. "Mmm…tastes good. At least we made it to one of those tasting sessions…" Meredith smirked, raising an eyebrow as Derek laughed. "Derek…what the hell is this thing?" she asked, pointing to the vase, which now held eleven red roses instead of it's previous twelve.

Derek laughed harder, nearly crying before composing himself. "Mark came round here with that earlier. It was a house-warming gift."

"It's hideous." Meredith's face contorted. "I don't think it's actually supposed to be a vase. It's one of the ugliest ornaments I have ever seen."

"I just used it because I wanted to show it to you before I accidentally dropped it and it smashed all over the floor."

Meredith smacked his arm. "Derek! It's a gift! You can't just break it on purpose!"

" Maybe we could… hide it in the closet or something. Nobody should have to see that." He wondered. "It ruins my roses."

"It does. You've really gone all out. My steak even has a little flag with my name on it. Why? Is it so I don't fight you for the bigger steak again?" Meredith asked, liberally spreading butter on her bread.

"Because…" Derek began, his voice dropping slightly. "…while I was unpacking these boxes I was thinking- thinking about everything that's happened, and what we went through to get here. And before Addison came back, I told you to take a lot of things on faith, and promised you a lot of things, and after she arrived, I never made up for those things. Remember during that day, when I was organising the secret silent sunset surgery, I promised you chunks of carbs in a basket, and that somewhere out there , there was a bottle of wine and a steak with your name on it? It may have been a year or two later, but I'm trying to make good on all those promises. I feel like we're really finding out things about each other, some important, some not, and we're finding out those things I told you to take it on faith."

"And you decided to take it literally?" Meredith tried not to smirk, because even though it was sweet, he was here and saying he was sorry, and it didn't seem like an appropriate time for laughter. "I believed you, Derek. When you wanted me to trust you, all the times you badgered me for dinner. And even when Addison came to Seattle and turned our lives upside down and inside out, I always believed that those words you said to me weren't fake- and continued to be true when you were with Addison."

Derek smiled. He knew he had put her through more than he deserved, and he knew she thought his guilt was punishment enough. He didn't know why he didn't trust what he knew about Meredith, and how she understood damaged Derek in a way no one else would, because she was as damaged as he was, like lost souls finding each other. He didn't even know that she was his missing piece until he had found her, and once he had, he couldn't get rid of her. She wasn't the easiest person to get to know, but for some inexplicable reason, he loved her. He could give a thousand reasons why he loved her, but they never explained why after the way he treated her, and she treated him, they'd be married, moving into an apartment together, and joking about a disgusting housewarming gift his best friend got him over a supposedly romantic Valentine's dinner. Maybe that was love in itself. That attraction that kept them coming back for more. Those series of moments scattered among their busy lives where being together seemed like the simplest thing ever, even when all other times seemed impossible.

They didn't possess their love. It wasn't like an ownership. It was just this electric feeling between the two of them, a passion that could flare up at any moment, a fire that either caused them to fight or to love. This love wasn't the same as anything he had experienced before. He had to work for it like no other relationship he had before, but none of them had felt so rewarding either.

After dessert, Meredith collapsed on the couch, Derek crumpling into the cushions with her as he brought what was left of the wine and their glasses to place them on the coffee table in front of them. The couch faced the window, and the view of the ferryboats. It was too dark to see the actual boats travel across the water, but the night brought another quality to it, lights of the ferries and houses on the other side of the sound twinkling out of time to each other. Meredith curled her body up, like a cat settling down for the night as Derek handed her her refilled glass.

She sighed happily, her eyes half closed, half looking out of the window as she leaned into Derek's warmth. "So this is our Valentine's day meal, huh? I was expecting a five course meal on top of the space needle or something…"

"I'd go if you wanted me to," Derek said softly. "except I'm scared of heights- so you'd have to give me a sedative before we got on the elevator. I wouldn't be much fun."

Meredith made a face as she considered Derek's fear of heights. Part of her wanted to laugh- sticking electrodes and scalpels into someone's brain required a certain amount of fearlessness, and yet he was scared of something so ordinary. But then- it would be the pot calling the kettle black, because she was exactly the same. "So when your Mom came to Seattle for the first time and said she wanted to go visit the space needle with you…"

"…yeah, she was joking. Either that, or knew I'd wait at the bottom for her. But there was no way she thought I'd go up there." Derek shivered as he thought about it. "Urgh. Terrifying."

A giggle escaped Meredith's lips for a second as she imagined Derek sweating at the thought of going up to the top of the highest monument in Seattle, which earned her a playful nudge from Derek. But instead of teasing him about it, her smile faded as her finger circled the rim of the wine glass in her hand.

She looked out to the view of their apartment, and then at Derek. "My mother would have dragged me up there whether I was scared or not. Because being scared of something is a weakness, right? And no child of hers can have a weakness. You have to be above fear- which is freaking ironic- because I am scared of a whole bunch of things, and that was mostly down to her. If she was accepting, maybe I wouldn't have been scared of being scared…"

Although it didn't seem to make any sense, Derek understood Meredith. Ellis didn't think fear was something to admit- and it was so different to what he was taught. Accepting a fear, and respecting it within reason was a good thing. He had four sisters, and a mother, and even though there was a lot of mocking and teasing and arguing, there was still obviously love there, and sometimes it was easy to doubt that Ellis did love Meredith- especially because she didn't seem to accept anyone for who they were- and Derek couldn't imagine what he would turn out like if the great Dr. Grey was his mother. All things considered, Meredith had turned out remarkably well.

"You know- my shrink thought I had suicidal tendencies because I stuck my hand on a bomb and helped some guy dangerously close to the edge of the water- she said I had no regard for my life. I've replayed it over and over in my head. On any other day, at any other time, I should have been able to swim to the edge of the dock, but I couldn't. I fell in, and inhaled a load of water, I couldn't stop choking, and I felt my limbs becoming heavier, and the effort seemed too much, and the dock seemed farther and farther away. So I gave up. Because as my head sank under the water, all I could think about was how my mother told me that after everything, after I graduated med school and became a surgical resident in one of the best programs in the country, after I was finally happy in a relationship, and after I became her power of attorney and sat through agonisingly painful visits to her nursing home- I was just ordinary."

Derek stiffened subconsciously as she mentioned therapy. She was telling him about it so freely, when a mere few days ago he didn't even know she had gone. All he could think about was the time Ellis was lucid, sitting in that hospital bed and demanding to know things, making sweeping judgements on Meredith, on him, on their relationship. Even he ended the day damaged from Ellis's verbal pummelling.

He tipped his head towards her, placing a comforting kiss on her temple. "She got to me too. Within a few seconds of conversation, she made me doubt me. She sure had ways." His hand rubbed her arm as she cuddled closer into him. "You had a terrible childhood." He acknowledged. "But…the apple fell far from the tree."

She saw him smile genuinely at her, his eyes shining, letting her know that he was being truthful. She was nothing like her mother, and she should have been proud of that. Surgery and awards didn't spend time with you on a Valentine's date, and it wouldn't keep you company when you were old and grey. "There's not…I didn't want to die either time Derek- not during the code black thing and not during the drowning thing. My psych didn't understand- both times I was scared. But you know- it's always easier to save someone else than to save yourself. But I came back for you. When I was clinically dead, I was in a weird place in my head- I cam back for you."

"I'm glad you did, Meredith." Derek croaked in a broken whisper, allowing a tear to escape from his eyes before he caught himself.

Meredith wiped her tears with the sleeve of her sweater, sitting up slightly. "Look at me." She sniffled. "I'm making our valentine's dinner thing freaking miserable. I made you cry…" She said in a small voice, holding his face in her hands, wiping his cheeks with her fingers, kissing him on the lips.

Soon the kiss became heated, and they indulged in the luxury of being able to shed their clothes right there on the couch and not be afraid of anyone walking in on them. Meredith's last dribble of wine in her glass had been discarded on the coffee table, as had her shirt. Derek's hands and lips seemed like they were covering every inch of her skin, as he studied every freckle, every blemish and memorised them for a hundredth time. Meredith's eyes closed as she concentrated on Derek's movements, trying to purge all those memories of feeling helpless as she drowned- and this was another type of helplessness- but a delicious one.

Meredith's skin suddenly felt bereft of Derek as he sat up, lips no longer making contact with any part of her body. Her eyes popped open in surprise as she pulled herself up, still sprawled indecently on the couch. Derek leaned over the side of the couch, rummaging through a box before grinning mischievously. "So I was emptying out a box this afternoon- and guess what I found?"

Meredith raised her eyebrows, shrugging. She didn't care- she just wanted Derek- on the couch. She couldn't imagine what would have been so good that it stopped Derek mid kiss. "This…" He grinned, placing it in the palm of her hand.

She looked at the small square foil wrapped package and giggled. "Seriously Derek? A glow-in-the-dark condom? We stopped using one of those ages ago. I said no more of these!"

"Should I be worried I found it in a cookie jar?" He asked, a glint in his eye. "We should use it…you know…for old times' sake."

Meredith didn't have time to reply, because his lips were back onto hers, and she forgot everything. Meredith had opened up to him, and faced her fears about facing her fears, and Derek was still there- loving her. If anything Meredith could feel with the fervour of his kisses and the pressure of his fingertips on her skin as they ran over her body that he loved her even more for telling him how she felt that day she drowned. She didn't purposely not swim. Even though he would have never given up trying to find her in that ice cold water- he understood now. She would have done the same for him.

It was always easier to save someone else than to save yourself.

-----------------------------------------------------

**I need you to know  
This won't be broken  
And all that we said  
Will not be lost into the dawn**

And you would be  
The last thing I saw coming  
I'm still surprised

You are lovely tonight  
You, dear, will guide me  
Into the morning light  
You are lovely tonight  
Lay here beside me  
I see the rest of my life  
With you

Alone we are fine  
But when we are two  
We are eternal  
The moons aligned  
Our separate lives  
Here become one

And you would be  
The last thing I saw coming  
I'm still surprised

**All my life I've lived alone without you  
All this time, I couldn't find where to belong**

And you are lovely tonight  
You, dear, will guide me  
Into the morning light  
You are lovely tonight  
Lay here beside me  
I see the rest of my life  
With you.

**Joshua Radin-Lovely tonight.**


	7. Chapter 7: SCARS

Meredith watched him from the door to their bedroom as he sat as the dining table, chin resting on his hand as he held his spoon up above the cereal bowl, watching the milk dribble back into the muesli as the raisins floated on the surface. He grimaced- today his favourite cereal really did look like cardboard. He looked up to Meredith, watching her watching him from the doorway before she went straight for the counter, pouring herself a cup of coffee before joining him at the table.

She slid into the seat next to him, and Derek tried his best to smile back at her weakly, before grimacing at his cereal again, then getting up and pouring it down the waste disposal. Meredith beckoned him to join her at the table again, and squeezed his pajama-clad thigh supportively. "Derek, it's just a routine audit of your surgical figures- every attending has one, it's just an arbitrary thing. You're the best neurosurgeon in Washington- probably the west coast at least…"

Derek's smile didn't reach his eyes- they weren't expressive like they usually were, but just a dull blue, distant and sad. Meredith wished she knew what she could do to make him feel better. "I don't have a good feeling about this, Meredith. I've been taking on a lot of hard cases, and not been successful in a lot of them- and it's just not good enough." He shook his head.

Sighing, Meredith looked back to her coffee cup, unable to look at Derek's pale grey face any longer. He had dark circles around his eyes, his face sagged with exhaustion. Meredith hadn't slept well either, waking up every time Derek tossed and turned in their bed. Maybe a better wife would have stayed awake with him and talked all his anxieties out, and convinced him everything would be ok. But Meredith didn't know how to do that- she had a hard enough time talking about her own problems, let alone his. She didn't have any comforting words for him, because every single thing she had come up with had been met with a smile that wasn't real.

"I don't think I'll see you before your audit meeting." Meredith said softly to Derek as they reached his office. "But I'll be thinking of you. I don't…I'm not good at the supportive words thing. But it will all be fine." She said, kissing him on the cheek, hoping that her trying would bring enough comfort for him not to look like he was about to throw up.

-X-X-X-X-

Meredith's eyes narrowed as she glanced at her phone, having received no messages from Derek throughout the day, no voicemail telling her how his meeting went. That made Meredith feel extremely uneasy. She couldn't work out if it was good or bad- whether Derek just went home and passed out on the bed in relief and exhaustion, or whether he had run away somewhere in despair.

Her eyes caught Mark walking through the lobby, and her sneakers slapped against the floor as she ran to catch up with him. "Mark!" She shouted as she drew closer. "Mark… have you heard from Derek today?"

Mark's head turned. He put his hands deep into the pockets of his leather jacket as he stopped in his tracks, waiting for Meredith to catch up before walking on. "Grey! No, haven't seen him. Wasn't it his annual audit of his surgical success rate this afternoon?"

Always Grey. Never Meredith, he never referred to her as Dr. Shepherd, she was always and forevermore Grey to Mark Sloan. Meredith didn't know why- but maybe it was for the best, with Mark not having the best track record with Derek's wives. At first Derek had tried to correct him over it, that she had a first name, but now everyone knew that he wasn't going to change.

"Yeah. He's actually really worried about it. He hasn't said anything to you, has he?" Meredith hoped that Derek had told Mark something instead of bottling it all up and winding himself up about it. He had to have someone to confide in, and right now Meredith wasn't concerned it might not be her, she just wanted it to be someone.

"No, nothing. Listen Grey, Derek always gets his panties in a twist about these things. It's just who he is, but he always saves more people than he doesn't. Kills me to say it, but he's a skilful neurosurgeon. Last thing he said to me was how much you liked my housewarming gift. Isn't it a work of art?"

Meredith smirked at him, but when she noted the serious expression on his face, her smile fell and was replaced with something a lot more neutral. Derek had seriously told him Meredith liked the gift, and for now, Meredith wasn't going to be the one to break it to Mark that they hated it, and even three weeks on still made up adventurous ways to break it and make it look like an accident. It had been a thing between them. 'One hundred ways to break unwanted gifts.'

"Oh yeah. Beautiful. It's taken pride of place in our new apartment." Meredith said calmly, trying not to laugh or picture the thing shoved at the back of their hall closet, far away from anyone having to see it. "Have an idea where he might be?"

"I think he's probably at Joe's whatever the outcome of his audit." Mark drawled casually. Meredith shrugged, but followed Mark across the parking lot towards Joe's anyway. Mark had known Derek for over thirty years, and probably knew Derek better than Meredith- although in a different way.

Meredith often wondered how someone like Mark Sloan ever became best friends with someone like Derek. Mark was a jock, and Derek was a geek. Their paths would never have usually met. But having said that- there was some kind of weird kinship, and it had seemed to work for them, because Derek had forgiven Mark for doing the unforgiveable. Maybe there were relationships that didn't make sense- Mark was Derek's Cristina.

The bell tinkled above their heads as they entered the bar, the music intermingling with the sound of muted conversations, keeping the background noise at a dull roar. Meredith dialled Derek's number, looking round for him at the bar as she went to his voicemail. She sidled up to the bar, where Joe had a look of concern as soon as he saw her.

He came up to her, ignoring the other customers, slinging the towel over his shoulder. Leaning down, his voice dropped to a whisper, trying to maintain discretion. "He's in that corner." He said, pointing to the darkest booth in the bar. "He's been there since five, ordering scotch after scotch…I've been trying to control it, but he's pretty drunk."

Mark overheard Joe's warning, and looked over to Derek, tie loose around his neck as he slumped against the booth, nursing his scotch. Meredith steeled herself, preparing herself to go over there and face Derek and his depression. She took one resolute step forward, when she felt an arm block her. Mark was also looking towards Derek, and smiled at Meredith.

"I'll talk to him…" Mark said, beer in hand. He sauntered up to Derek, who barely glanced at his best friend as he sat at the opposite end of the booth. His eyes were fixed to his glass of scotch, and melting ice as he swirled it in his hands. Meredith watched from the bar, peering over, not even bothering to be subtle as she tried in vain to hear what Mark was saying over the sound in the room.

"So you had your audit…how'd it go?" Mark asked his friend.

"I don't want to talk about it…" Derek mumbled. "Not to you, not to anyone. No one."

"Why?" Mark knew he was pushing him, but he couldn't resist. He couldn't let this one go, it was almost too easy. "No longer the McDreamy neurosurgeon who rode in on his white horse from Manhattan?"

"Mark…" Derek growled, his fists clenching against the wood of the table, his whole body tensing as his pupils narrowed to a pinprick, his eyes blue and full of threat.

"Look at you, Derek. You look pathetic- wearing flannel shirts, building a house in the woods." Mark teased. "Just a regular schmuck from Seattle now, aren't you?"

Derek snapped.

He got up, his clenched fist making contact with Mark's face with a sharp smack. Mark looked shocked, pressing his hand to his cheek, feeling the bruise that was inevitably going to form. "I deserved that." He paused for a second, before speaking again. "You know what? No I didn't…"

Meredith looked on in shock, as Derek went in for another punch…and another. Now Mark wasn't giving Derek any free hits, and they were virtually wrestling each other over the table, glasses knocked over, and the table was threatening to topple with their weight. She ran towards them, Joe joining her as he tore the two men apart. Derek fell onto the floor, and Meredith picked him up, as he flopped into her arms. The alcohol and shock of the fight made it easy for Meredith to virtually carry him out of the bar, dragging him as his legs moved along with her passively.

Derek pressed the back of his hand to the cut on his lips, and his eye was already swelling up before they got to their apartment. Meredith propped Derek up on the wall as she opened the front door, helping him to the couch before she put some ice into a bag. By the time she had turned round again, Derek had stumbled over to their shelf where they kept a few bottles and crystal glasses. He sat down on the couch, pushing the bag of ice away as he opened the bottle of tequila and poured them both a glass. He knocked it back quickly, exhaling deeply as he felt the alcohol hit his stomach. Meredith just sipped it, the taste of tequila burning her throat.

Alex had bought this bottle as a housewarming gift, and they hadn't had the chance to open it. "Congratulations to me!" Derek exclaimed with fake cheer. He raised his glass high in the air. "Congratulations for moving into a new apartment. Congratulations for killing more people than I saved. Congratulations for having the worst figures of any attending in the hospital. Come on Meredith!" He clinked his glass with hers that was lying on the coffee table. "Misery loves company. And I was company to your misery too many times…"

"Derek…" Meredith said, not trying to hide the desperation in her voice as he knocked back the drink in two large swallows. "You know it's not your fault. You take on impossible cases. People come to you when everyone else has deemed them inoperable. They're terminal when you see them. You're not seeing the bigger picture."

"You're uncharacteristically optimistic." Derek scoffed. "Those people were alive before they came to me, Meredith. You should have seen the number of files, so many files. That was someone's daughter, son, wife, husband…and they could have had time, so much more time…together. I took it away. I ended their lives sooner than they should have."

Only the side lamp was on, illuminating the room in a dull glow. Derek propped himself up on the side of the couch, closing his right eye as it continued to swell. Meredith looked at him, watching him hurt both physically and mentally. His face was battered and bruised, small nicks all over his face, on his nose and lips marking his skin. He licked his lips, and winced as the alcohol stinging the cut on his lower lip. His suit jacket was crinkled and creased, two of the buttons from his shirt missing, probably during the brawl. His left hand lay on his leg, the shiny platinum of his wedding band stained with specks of red blood. Was it Mark's or his own? Meredith cringed as she contemplated the bruise that would form there, his finger already beginning to swell, straining against the metal. She took his left hand into both of hers, slipping the ring off his finger, noticing the dent in his finger where it had begun to swell around it. She placed the band on the dresser safely, and returned to him.

"Derek…" Meredith pleaded weakly, placing the ice on his hand.

Derek groaned, deep and tortured as he wrenched the ice from his left hand, throwing it across the room as it hit the wall and fell to the hardwood floor. Meredith flinched, jumping away from him slightly. She had seen plenty of horny drunk Derek, but angry drunk Derek was something she didn't know how to handle.

"You should just go, Meredith." Derek whined, closing his eyes. "I'm giving up on this operating thing."

Go where?

"It doesn't have to be like that, Derek. So it's been a bad year, that doesn't mean you have to hide…"

Derek interrupted her. "You don't have to do this you know. That supportive thing. I know you've wanted to find excuses for this not to happen since you suggested it. You never wanted to move out of your house. So I'm letting you go. You go hide there and avoid this situation, and I'll hide here. Go run away like your instincts are telling you."

"Derek Shepherd, you are drunk! I'm here now, like I said in the vows, for better for worse, in sickness and in health…" Meredith exclaimed.

"Right. The vows. The ones we said in some plastic wedding chapel, and signed out marriage certificate with some cheap ballpoint pen." Derek slurred, laughing slightly. "You wanna know about vows, about oaths. I broke the Hippocratic oath- I killed people. You know the biggest source of my loss? The clinical trial. Losing more patients that you save really fucks up your figures."

"But we're saving more people now, it's working more…" Meredith reasoned. She understood this anger, she understood looking down to the bottom of a bottle of tequila in the hope to numb the pain. She had been down a great many bottles, and not seen all that much that helped her. She understood Derek's helpless feeling, and knew that you pushed away those that you loved, the people you were closest to because you knew they'd come back.

"We lost them, Meredith. I would never have even contemplated that goddamned trial if you hadn't suggested it, if you hadn't have made me feel like it was the only way I could hold onto you while you were secretly healing yourself. I hope it was worth it. I hope those extra twelve people's lives we cut short by blindly injecting in the dark was useful to you finding wholeness and getting healed." He sneered.

"You think your mean words are going to push me away, make me run back to my mother's house, prove your point that I'm not cut out for this. But I'm not bailing. I'm not moving from here." Meredith insisted.

He was pushing, and Meredith would have left. Except- even if they did get married in the plastic wedding chapel on the Vegas strip, it was still real. And he had given her a reassurance he wouldn't run away from her when she got dark and twisty, and she owed the same to him. You didn't promise each other just the lifetime of happiness, but promised to stick by them in the darker stages too, and she intended to honour that promise.

Silence fell between them as Derek let the alcohol numb his body, even if his mind continued to race. He sat back against the pillows of the couch. [i]_Until death do us part_.[/i] Meredith rested her head against his bicep, putting her hand on his shoulder and rubbing it gently, trying to placate him in their silence. It didn't matter what he said, she'd be there, because she hoped he'd do the same for her. His pain was her pain. He was there for her when she had needed him.

-X-X-X-X-

_[i]"Are you ready, Meredith?" Derek's voice rang in her ears as his arms supported her, easing her into the wheelchair._

_She grimaced as she sat down, her ribs still bruised from all the hours of CPR and falling twelve feet into the water from the dock. She was staying off the opiates- her reaction to morphine was a great source of humour in Seattle Grace- and despite being drugged up with other analgesics, her body was still sore. Her hand rubbed her side as Derek slung her small overnight bag over his shoulder and wheeled her out of the room she had spent the last ten days._

_The chief had been reluctant to let her go, but Derek, Izzie and Alex had designed some overwhelmingly suffocating babysitting rota for her, which meant there would be someone in the house 24/7 in case she needed something. All she needed was to be out of that hospital, to not be staring at the same four grey walls day in and day out. Maybe if she went home she wouldn't feel exhausted even though she had slept fifteen hours a day. If she was in her bed, on her couch, maybe Derek wouldn't look at her as if she was about to die all over again._

_Derek was always there. He stayed at night for as long as he could before Bailey saw him and kicked him out, and he was there at six o'clock every morning. Three days after her accident, he went back to work, but came and took his lunch at odd times just so he could be with her. He flipped through her obs charts, spoke to numerous attendings… he was looking more tired than she was._

_He didn't treat her less delicately once they got home. He hovered, all the time. Bringing her drinks, making her food, he even waited outside the bathroom for her in case something happened. And she didn't say anything, because she came back for him, she wanted this. But even when she slept, she could feel his eyes watching her breathe in and out, even at night, he watched her chest rise and fall in a regular rhythm as she snored._

"_You can sleep, you know…" Meredith said from the couch one afternoon as they watched some crappy daytime TV. "I know you don't sleep at night."_

_Derek drew his glazed over eyes from the TV and looked at her from the other end of the couch. He rubbed his hands over his face, hoping to take some of the exhaustion away. "I do sleep. I sleep fine."_

"_I'm not going to die again." Meredith blurted out, seeing Derek cringe. "It was an accident. A bad accident- and I'm here, living and breathing, so stop looking at me as if I'm going to die if you take a nap for a couple of hours."_

_Derek's jaw clenched, and he looked away from her, back up to the soulless game show. Did she know anything of what had happened in those five hours other people kept her heart beating for her? She had no idea how many times Derek dove down in that freezing cold water, gasping for oxygen as his head came up above he surface, trying to get as much air in his lungs so he had a longer time underwater to search for her. He didn't care that his muscles were cramping, and he was shivering from the cold water. He didn't know how many tries it took him, but eventually his flailing arms had caught onto one of her legs, and it took all of his strength to pull her up and out of that sub zero water. She was blue, such a pale tinge of blue that he still got nightmares about it, because every single time he tried to close his eyes he saw that deathly shade of blue, her stringy wet hair framing her face as she lay limp and unconscious in his arms. His heart ached as he remembered how he literally breathed life into the woman whom he asked whether she wanted to marry him mere hours before. _

_He couldn't tell her why he couldn't sleep- because if he did, they might both break._

_Meredith sat up and shuffled along the couch, holding Derek in the weakest of embraces, her ribs still bruised and sore. "I'm not going to die again." She repeated resolutely. "You can sleep. I need you to sleep."_

_She woke up a few hours later, curled up into Derek's side. She sat up a little, seeing it was dark outside, but it couldn't have been too late, because there was no sign that Alex and Izzie were back home yet. She sat in the silence, picking at the sleeve of her worn Dartmouth t-shirt- the one with the hole in the back of the neck. Her mother was dead. Her mother. Even if her relationship with her wasn't the best, she was still her mother, and she hadn't cried. She had been so busy trying to show people that she was ok, she never considered the possibility that she wasn't ok, and that it was alright not to be ok. Because she had drowned, and her mother had died. A near death experience and your mother passing away all in the same day were understandable reasons to cry. And now, no one was watching her, wondering if or when she was going to fall apart._

_Her eyes fell on Derek, her wonderfully supportive boyfriend. She looked at his face, troubled even in his sleep. The crinkles around his eyes had seemed more pronounced now than they did before the accident, his brow wrinkled into a slight frown as he slept in a light slumber. She could deal with her sadness, but she couldn't imagine what she was putting Derek through. She loved him. Why couldn't she tell him that? What was holding her back? This was her second chance, and all she was doing was chasing her own tail, trying to convince herself and others that she wasn't affected by what happened. Even if she was. Don't show weakness. Be extraordinary._

_Old habits die hard._

_And for the first time since that night she woke up in the hospital, she cried. She wept for the loss of her mother, for the relief of being alive and having more than just a whiff of Derek, she shed tears out of guilt for the man sleeping restlessly beside her, and knowing she was the sole reason for that distress._

_He had been there for her all the time, and she silently vowed to herself she would try her best to be there for him too.[/i]_

-X-X-X-X-

"I'm not going to do surgery again, Meredith." He repeated. "You can't see the colour in this one-there is no colour. People either die or they don't. THAT is the bigger picture."

"So that's it? You're giving up everything you've worked for the past twenty years because we were initially unsuccessful in a revolutionary trial? Derek- we may have prematurely ended those thirteen people's lives, but we've saved many future ones- more than those thirteen."

"I'm fucking with people's lives, Meredith. People come to me thinking I can make them better- if they knew my statistics, they wouldn't bother coming to me."

Meredith ran her hand through his hair, watching him wince as she touched a cut on his scalp from the fight. "I get that you're scared, and fed up of death. But there is a bigger picture, Derek. Is there anything I can do to make it go away?"

The question hung in the air, because she already knew the answer. She had been in his helpless feeling many times before, where all you could do was wallow in your misery because there was no way to fix it. He really didn't know what would make him feel better, because if he did, he would be doing it. She understood that he just wanted to sit there in his pajamas for days, in a constant drunken state, hoping the whole world stopped while you were stuck. And even though she pushed Derek away when she was in her darkest moods, having him there did make her feel better, even if she didn't think it at the time. She couldn't do anything but be there for him, let him say all those things so that he could heal.

She looked at him- her husband, a broken figure of a man. What was she supposed to do? He was supposed to support her, she wasn't used to it being this way around. Being there for the hard times was being extraordinary, finding enough strength to support someone else, even though you couldn't do it for yourself was being a force of nature. And so her hand slid down his neck, resting along his shoulders as she leaned into his slumped depressed body, curling her arm around him as she held him tightly, letting him know she was there for him. There may not have been an immediate solution…but she would do what she could.

"This isn't quite dancing it out, is it?" Derek slurred in a sleepy-drunkenness.

"No…I don't think you could quite manage that, but Cristina told me that Dixon made her do this once, to calm her down. I can do hugs. Is it working?"

Her voice soothed the pounding in his ears, and the wild thoughts running through his head of all the faces of all the patients he couldn't manage to save. Her fingers rubbed against his bruised body, easing some of the pain. "Maybe." He conceded, as his eyes fluttered shut.

-X-X-X-X-

The next morning, Meredith sat curled up in an armchair, reading a book as she waited patiently for Derek to wake up. She looked out of the window, watching everyone else get on with their lives, while in this house, it seemed like life had stopped. If Derek didn't operate, what would he do? He couldn't just run away to their house in the wilderness and hide from people. He had spent most of his adult life being a surgeon, working towards saving people. It wasn't that the pile of dead patients was higher than the ones he saved. It was that he saved people in the first place.

She could hear Derek groan, and clatter about clumsily, before she watched him enter the room from the darkness of the bedroom, squinting from the sudden change of light. He stumbled to a dining chair, rubbing his temples as he cringed in pain. Silently, Meredith got up, pouring a cup of coffee, a glass of water, and setting down some aspirin in front of him, which he took without looking at her. Meredith remained silent, not sure what mood he was still in- whether last night was just drunk talk or whether he really meant it. She put some bread in the toaster, and could hear the quiet ticking of the timer before it popped up.

Sighing, she walked over to him with the two slices of toast on the plate, her hand tentatively touching him on the shoulder. When he didn't flinch, Meredith squeezed his muscles, and feeling him relax, kneaded all the knots of tension away.

"How are you feeling?" Meredith asked softly.

"Like someone's taking a pneumatic drill to my head" Derek groaned, swallowing the pills. "And I don't know if that's the hangover, or the beating. I look like shit."

"Good job love is blind, then." Meredith smiled, sitting in the chair beside him, as Derek broke off a piece of the dry toast.

"They should put that in the vows- [i]_'In inebriation and sobriety'[/i]_." Derek attempted to joke weakly, chewing on the bread.

"The vows said in only cheap plastic wedding chapels, or does that apply to churches too?" Meredith asked, her words loaded with hurt from the night before.

Derek cringed, reliving hazy memories of last night. "I can't believe I said that…" He apologised. "There's a lot of things I said that I didn't mean last night."

"But you meant what you said about giving up surgery? You won't operate any more?"

"I…" the words fell away in silence from Derek's mouth. "I can't." he whispered weakly.

"Do you remember Katie Bryce? Our first surgery together, and how in awe you were of me being in awe of the surgery. I remember you looking at me from the nurse's station, watching my excitement of experiencing something so new and enthralling to me- something that had become routine to you. I wish I could make you feel that again. That happiness when, despite all the odds, you find the right answer. That feeling you get when you realised you gave some teen beauty queen her life back."

Derek looked at her though his foggy hungover vision. She still looked beautiful. Even though he had lashed out to her, and he knew he had been unfair, she was still there, trying to find any scrap of comfort for him. [i]_Love has no desire but to fulfil itsel.[/i]_ She loved him because she couldn't help it. There was no other drive to love but her love. It wasn't a game of who could hurt each other the most before it got too much, because the difference between friendship and love was how much you could hurt each other.

"See the scar above my lip?" She placed her index finger over it. "I got that when I was around five. My dad took me to the park one day with by shiny pink bike, brought his wrench out and took the training wheels off. He ran along beside me the first couple of times, but one time he let go. I was at least thirty yards away before I realised he wasn't holding on, I panicked and I fell, the bike falling on top of me and it cut my lip open. We went to Seattle Grace, and I thought Mom might have come to see me in the pit, but Richard came instead. Said mom was stuck in surgery. I don't think she even noticed I had three stitches in my lip for a couple of weeks."

Even despite his depressed state, Derek smiled in spite of himself. He brought up a shaky hand to her face, holding her jaw in his palm while his fingers delicately traced the faint scar above her top lip. He had kissed it so many times before, loved her for that imperfection, for that story in her history she was yet to tell him. [i]_To know the pain of too much tenderness.[/i]_ It hurt. Knowing Meredith loved him this much hurt. It ached deep in his heart that she was bringing him bags of ice to soothe his bruised hand, only for him to throw it away. He felt much more of a sting that he made her wipe his cuts on his face than the actual antiseptic did.

"That was the first time I realised what my mother meant when she said she couldn't be with me because she made people feel better. It was the first time I knew that there was a value to being a doctor. And the cut on my lip? It's my battle scar- it reminds me that it's good to push yourself, that it was good I went too far ahead of my father and fell off my bike. Because when tried again a few days later, I managed to not fall off it once. Making a mistake is bad- but not learning from it is worse."

"Maybe in a few days." Derek conceded, sipping his coffee, made exactly the way he liked it. "Maybe I'll let the swelling go down, take a break, re evaluate…let my wounds turn to scars…and decide. Because riding a bike isn't like surgery, when I make a mistake, I kill people. You don't kill people learning to ride a bike."

"Ha. You didn't see me wobble about…I could have knocked over a few grannies…" Meredith laughed softly, kissing him on the lips gently.

_[i]To be wounded by your own understanding of love.[/i]_

"I love you." Derek whispered. "And I know you love me- because I can be my ugliest self and you haven't turned away- you see all parts of me and accept me- even if you have to correct my pride when it gets the better of me. I don't deserve you."

Meredith smiled. "No, you don't. But Derek- I need you. So…please fix back together soon." She helped him to the couch, cuddling with him in periods of silence, and distracting him with crosswords and movies throughout the rest of the day.

Derek hadn't realised it- but he was broken too, patching up the cracks for years. He needed her too. She was making him whole and healed.

**[b]-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

_**[i]Underneath the moon,underneath the stars  
Here's a little heart for you  
Up above the world,up above it all  
Here's a hand to hold on to**_

But if I should break,  
If I should fall away what am I to do?  
I need someone to take, a little of the weight  
Or I'll fall through

You're just the one  
That I've been waiting for  
I'll give you all that I have to give and more  
But don't let me fall

Take a little time, walk a little line  
Got the balance right, give a little love,  
Gimme just enough  
So that I can hang on tight

We will be alright,I'll be by your side  
I wont let you down but I gotta know,  
No matter how things go, that you will be around

Underneath the moon, underneath the stars  
Here's a little heart for you  
Up above the world, up above it all  
Here's a hand to hold on to

Your just the one that I've been waiting for  
I'll give you all that I have to give and more  
But don't let me fall

You'll be the one that I'll love forever more  
I'll be here holding you high above it all  
But don't let me fall.[/i]

**Lenka- don't let me fall.[/b]**


	8. Chapter 8: FRIENDS

Meredith yawned as she slipped her shoes off by the front door. It was five AM, and her shift had lasted forty eight hours. She got stuck in an emergency surgery, then got stuck organising interns and calling other departments, hoping they'd take her patient's referral, having to call again and again for a consult from another department. By the time she had scrubbed out of an emergency bowel obstruction, it had been too late to call home.

And now she was there, crawling into bed beside Derek as she sighed, enjoying the feeling of her weight sinking into the mattress. Sleep beckoned her just like the warm sheets, but she temporarily fought it off. Her hand reached for Derek's shoulder, and she shook him gently, trying to rouse him out of his sleep, shaking harder when she got no response.

"Are you asleep?" Meredith whispered to Derek, who didn't move.

"Yes." Derek mumbled sleepily, turning to face her but making no attempt to open his eyes.

"But you said 'yes'." Meredith half-laughed, moving closer towards him as his arm curled around her body.

He kissed her head as the spooned. "I talk in my sleep."

"Happy birthday, Derek." Meredith drawled, squeezing his hand as it held hers before she succumbed to the heavy veil of sleep that overwhelmed her after forty eight hours at the hospital.

Three hours later, the alarm beeped shrilly, piercing the silence. Although Derek fumbled frantically to switch it off as quickly as he could, Meredith had woken up. She rubbed her puffy eyes sleepily, and opened them, blinking as they adjusted to the light.

"Go back to sleep." Derek ordered gently, as his hands wound round her to rub her back, trying to calm her back into a sleep.

Meredith smiled, closing her eyes as her lips found his magnetically without having to search. She leaned into it, deepening it as her hand reached behind his ears to the ruffled curls. "What kind of wife would I be if I didn't offer birthday morning sex?"

Derek smiled, kissing her again. "The kind who just came home three hours ago from a forty-eight hour shift from hell. Don't worry. We have the whole evening to make up for this morning…"

He reluctantly peeled himself away from her warm and inviting body as she shifted with him kissing him hard one more time. "Even if I don't have the energy to have sex, I can kiss you, even with your morning breath and scratchy scruff." Meredith grinned.

-X-X-X-X-

Meredith sat at the kitchen counter, staring at the box of Betty Crocker cake mix in front of her. It looked intimidating, like there was a boundary between it and her, and she couldn't cross it. Derek knew she didn't cook- well, she couldn't cook, and Meredith wasn't really sure why she was starting now. She was good at other things like…other things.

An hour later, and Meredith had just about psyched herself up enough to open the box of cake mix and there was a knock on the door, and she knew it was no one else but Cristina. She followed Meredith into the kitchen, where she saw every bowl and whisk and spoon on the counter, spread on every surface.

"Oh good." Cristina said, knowing exactly where Meredith kept the chips "I didn't miss out on the show."

"I don't even know why I'm doing this…" Meredith sighed, picking bits of eggshell out of the bowl. "It's not as if it's going to be edible anyway." She squinted at the instructions on the back of the box, putting her hand on her forehead as she looked at the bowl, then the instructions, wondering how her mix didn't look like the one on the back of the box.

"This is why bakeries exist, Meredith." Cristina explained, munching on a chip. "For people like you, who don't take joy in baking,,,or rather- can't bake."

Forty minutes later, and all hope of making it through the ordeal had been well and truly crushed. Meredith took the cake out of the oven, finding the top burnt and the middle uncooked and gooey. Seconds later, Izzie buzzed the entry phone and appeared with a cake in hand and Alex smirking behind her, George following.

"I knew when you said you were thinking of baking Derek a cake yourself we needed a backup plan." Izzie babbled, placing her perfect cake on the counter.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Meredith grumbled, sighing in defeat as she crumpled into a chair.

"Oh man…this is sick…" Alex laughed, poking at Meredith's cake with his index finger.

"I'm still not sure about the gift I got him. It seems too generic. What do you even give a guy for their birthday anyway?" Meredith asked George. He would know. He seemed like the type. But he just shrugged, reaching for the bag of chips, only for his hand to be slapped away by Cristina.

"Sex…" Alex grinned.

-X-X-X-X-

Everyone had finally left, and Meredith was drying her hair when Derek came back home. "Hey…" He called out, putting his briefcase on the dining table and followed the sound of the hairdryer to their bedroom. "Hey…" He repeated again, smiling as he kissed her soft skin.

"Hi…" Meredith smiled back, turning off the hairdryer as she stood in her old t-shirt and panties.

Derek took his chance and stepped forward, taking the dryer out of her hands and placing it on the table before his lips found the long column of her neck, her hair smelling sweet as he kissed her. His fingers crept up her shirt and found their place on the curve of her waist as he gently pushed her toward the bed. His eyes widened happily as his hands inched further up her back, realising she wasn't wearing anything underneath the old, thinning Dartmouth t-shirt. He pushed her back against the dresser, leaning into her, his hands lifting the hem of her t-shirt to the middle of her stomach before she regained her senses and stopped him.

"Derek…shower…we have dinner reservations." She groaned, trying to sound as assertive as she could as his fingers swept across her skin.

Derek grinned widely his eyes shining with mischief. "Forget the reservations… I'm hungry for something else entirely…" he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it from his pants. If he wasn't so distracted with getting what he wanted, he would have seen the momentary flash of panic on her face. But he didn't, and she covered it, formulating a plan. She kissed him back, hard, and knew she had the upper hand as she guided him away from the bedroom towards their bathroom, peeling off his clothes with promise of everything he wanted. Derek was so lost in Meredith's hands stripping his body of clothes, he hadn't even noticed she had him pinned against the bathroom wall. Suddenly her warm hands left his skin, and her lips left his earlobe as she quickly opened the shower door and turned on the water.

"Hurry up… or we'll be late…" She smiled with a satisfying smirk, pushing him into the shower as he blinked in bewilderment.

He was still complaining when they reached the restaurant. "I can't believe you played me into this dinner thing. A cake would have been enough- I don't need a fancy dinner to celebrate that I'm getting closer to middle age every year."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're forty two, Derek. That's not middle aged. Besides, humour me. It's the first birthday we've celebrated since we got married."

"Fine. But we're skipping dessert and going home." He whined.

They went to the counter, where the hostess was waiting with crest-white smile, all teeth shining. Holding Meredith's hand in his comfortably, he told her his name, trying not to glance at his watch, hoping his reservation wouldn't have been moved back because they were twenty minutes late.

"Ah, Dr. Shepherd. Your guests have already arrived." She said as she grabbed another two menus and led them to their table.

"Guests?" Derek's brow furrowed in confusion as he directed his question to Meredith, who just smiled.

"Derek! You got here finally. We were going to send out a search party!" He heard a familiar voice call out to him as the hostess stopped at a table where two men and a woman were already seated.

"Weiss? Savvy? What are you doing here?" Derek asked incredulously as he hugged his long time friends.

"Meredith called us a few weeks ago, asked us if we wanted to come visit for your birthday." Savvy kissed Derek on the cheek before sitting down, watching Derek blink bewilderedly.

He sank down in the chair next to Meredith as she smiled shyly, his eyes staring at her in shock. Meredith called his oldest friends, ones who last met her as his young doe-eyed unwitting mistress, and invited them to be there for his birthday. She called them as his new wife, one who loved him enough to surprise him with two of his best friends even though she barely knew them. Tears came to Derek's eyes when he thought about how well Meredith seemed to understand him without having to explain it- how she knew what he would have liked for his birthday even though he didn't.

"Now you know why I was so adamant about dinner?" Meredith asked, her eyebrow arched as she sipped on her glass of water.

"Thankyou…" He whispered in her ear earnestly, managing to blink back the tears as he kissed her on the cheek, feeling the warm blush of embarrassment on her face. Meredith had been too used to loving someone and not being loved back in return, for trying to make the grand gesture but never feeling the other side of that- but with Derek, it was different. It was always reciprocated, whether the gesture was big or small, he made sure she knew how happy it made him. Seeing the way he smiled, and the way his eyes twinkled as he caught up with his long-lost friends made the torment of bargaining with Mark for Savvy's number worth it, and the awkward phone call she made to New York seemed nothing to see Derek the way he was.

"Sav, you look absolutely beautiful!" Derek complimented, as the waiter came round to pour wine into their waiting glasses.

"I'm telling you, Derek, having the surgery was the best thing I could have done. I don't wake up anymore and wonder every morning when I'm going to be diagnosed with cancer, how much further into the future I can plan my life, you know?"

Derek nodded, still grinning like a little kid. "You know, I'm just offended you went to Addison for the surgery, but didn't come to me for your boobs." Mark said sadly,shaking his head. "Sure, they look great, but still…"

Meredith stayed quiet while she listened to the banter that only old friends could maintain, and she wasn't sure where she fitted into it. It was like how she could see Derek felt sometimes with her friends, the conversation seemed so seamless, there wasn't space for another person, the conversation flitted from subject to subject so fast, there was no time to explain where each and every little private joke they shared between each other came from- Like all the 'remember the time?...' anecdotes that flew across the table.

"We have two years worth of news to catch up on!" Savvy exclaimed. "How about you start with the huge news that you got _married._ Poor Meredith called me, and I nearly fell off my chair when she told me."

"It's the kind of spontaneity you only have the balls for in a place like Vegas." Meredith laughed. "I asked him, he said yes, we got married the same day."

"Woah... Derek, you didn't propose?" Weiss laughed.

Derek cringed, knowing how bad it had to look. Meredith asked him, and he went along with it. Except it wasn't that at all. If he wasn't so happy coasting along in their relationship, and wasn't so scared of what a proposal might do to Meredith, he would have asked her months before the conference in Vegas. He would have asked her right there in that house of candles on that damp day. He would have gotten down on one knee, produced a ring, and spun her round, never letting her go. But it was about letting Meredith dictate the pace, and he was always so scared the answer would be no, so he never asked. And then he looked at Meredith as he tried to find the answer to his friend. She had changed and grown so much, that it didn't matter who asked who to marry them. What mattered was that they were there. "It was more of a mutual agreement…" Derek attempted to explain.

"Oh, Meredith! Tell me you got a ring. You deserve diamonds for being with Derek." Savvy laughed, watching Derek squirm uncomfortably as his friends laughed at his expense.

Meredith knew that given their history, Derek never asked because his heart wouldn't have been able to take a no from her, and although she could have joked about it along with the rest of them, it was about so much more than the question. It was about what was right for them. And it was right for them to make it a private affair without any attention on them, and Meredith wasn't sure how hard she had to try and justify her decision to them. "We were barely engaged for a few hours." Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "A huge diamond ring is just another thing for me to lose while I'm in surgery. Besides… the lack of diamond ring is proving to be an excellent bargaining tool in our marriage."

As the wine flowed and dinner progressed, the conversation became more fluid. "So you've known Derek for what…over twenty years? How does a writer cross paths with a pre-med geek?" Meredith laughed.

"Bowdoin is a liberal arts college, Mer." Derek defended. "There were…compulsory classes. Then we both went to Columbia- I went to med school and Weiss did his masters."Meredith seemed satisfied with that answer and looked down at her plate, concentrating on cutting off another piece of her steak as Derek shot Weiss a relieved look and Mark a warning one. A 'speak and I'll punch you' glare, and Mark had been on the receiving end of Derek's fist too many times to push it.

But Savvy had been oblivious to the surreptitious silent eye conversation, and decided to speak up. "What? I thought you guys met because of that band you formed?"

"A band?!" Meredith gasped incredulously, her eyes shining with laughter, as she nudged Derek with her shoulder.

"Oh god…" Derek groaned, covering his eyes with his hand in embarrassment. "It was one of those things people do in college…"

Meredith raised her eyebrow- she did many things in college, but playing in a band wasn't one of them. It was mostly sex and alcohol, with last minute cramming on the side. Thank God for the photographic memory she inherited from the Greys.

Savvy enjoyed this, having caught Derek out. "What was it called? I remember, Weiss was on the keys and you were on the guitar…damn! I remember coming back to campus just to see you guys play…Oh, yeah… _'Defying Darwin'_" Savvy laughed loudly, at Derek's expense as Weiss shared Derek's same embarrassed expression.

"Aww." Meredith laughed, taking her hand off the stalk of her wine glass, and placing it on Derek's next to her, wrapping her fingers around his. "You playing in a band? Hot." She attempted to lure Derek out of the embarrassment.

Derek's shoulders hunched over his empty plate as he actively tried not to squirm in his chair. Some things were better left in the past. Derek the neurosurgeon didn't really wear the wannabe rocker label very well anymore. Meredith smiled at him, her slim fingers gently rubbing his. It was ok to be embarrassed, he was sure Meredith never really wanted him to know exactly what she did in Europe- and he wasn't sure if he wanted to know either. But he felt Meredith shift closer to him, as she laughed at the image she conjured in her mind of him in a student band, and he realized she loved him anyway. She loved him for all the uncomfortable anecdotes of his past, not despite them. The feel of Meredith's fingers on his gave him the confidence to shake off the remnants of the awkward student-Derek, and remember the good times he shared with his friends.

He laughed along with them as they recalled the lyrics to their songs they had once thought were clever. "So what's happening to you guys twenty years on from playing in an eighties band?" Derek asked his friends.

Savvy and Weiss looked at each other and smiled, as Weiss slung his arm over the back of his wife's chair. "We're planning to adopt." Savvy beamed. "Well, we've done all the paperwork and waiting. The agency told us we're near the top of the list, so hopefully we'll be parents soon."

Everyone offered their congratulations, and it seemed like everyone got their happy ending eventually. Derek would never have thought that it would end up like this when he had to coax Weiss to be at Savvy's surgery but it did. But a lot had changed since that time, with him and Meredith, too. He thought the best he could have with Meredith were little trysts in elevators, where the best he could get was a whiff of her in that six by six metal box. That thirty seconds everyday had to be enough to make the rest of the evening with his wife just about bearable. And now he was divorced, and was remarried, happy with Meredith, while Savvy and Weiss were becoming parents, without Savvy worrying and harbouring guilt that she had passed on her crappy cancer genes to her child.

"What about you two?" Savvy asked.

Derek was silent, waiting for Meredith to react. She was worried about passing on her crappy genes to her child just like Savvy. Her kids might not have inherited the BRACA gene, but there were other equally dangerous ones. Meredith paused for a moment, before she sat up a little straighter. "I'm happy being the way we are. And I know I could be happier if we have kids- and I definitely do want them, but there's a right time for everything. It's not fair on my child if I have a forty eight hour shift and can't be with them for two days, sneaking a few minutes with them in my lunch hour. I'm not making them feel as if they are on the other side of a choice. And look at you guys- when the time is right, you just know. We'll know."

Meredith looked at Derek, her green eyes flickering with specks of blue as she told some of Derek's closest friends something even they had never really discussed between themselves. Derek's eyes widened a little in surprise as Meredith told the table her sensible reasons. When she knew, she knew. He had faith that she would know when she was ready to have a child with him, just as she knew when it was the right time to get married- it was better to do it this way round than being pushed into it. There were so many things in life they couldn't control, but there were other things they could. They could control this, and Meredith would try her hardest to get this right.

"I hate to break up the squishy feelings stuff, but let's get on with the important stuff. Derek's gift is burning a hole in my pocket." Mark said, running his hand over his beard as he reached into his jacket pocket to pull out an envelope.

Derek smirked at his friend as he lifted the flap of the envelope, pulling out two tickets to a baseball game. "Mariners vs. Yankees?" Derek asked, raising his eyebrows. "When I mentioned getting tickets last week, you said you'd think about it." He smiled. "I'm surprised you didn't just tell me you got them right there and then." He knew Mark's lack of ability to keep secrets- he'd never been able to keep anything to himself for as long as Derek had known him- he was the perfect antidote to Derek's habit of brooding,bubbling, keeping things left unsaid.

Mark smiled widely. "I hope this makes up for all the shit I give you throughout the year, and the time I broke your nose when I pitched in little league, stopping you from winning the home run record of the season. It was a shame, you could really hit with a baseball bat." Through the smile Derek knew there was an unspoken apology for taunting him after his audit a few months ago, but these two friends seemed like they could forgive each other for anything.

"Now our gift…" Weiss scrambled under the table and pulled out a bag from under the table. Derek laughed, rubbing his hands together as he prepared to find out what kind of gifts his long time friends had gotten him.

"Ahhh…" Derek exclaimed, eyebrows raised, as he took out his first gift, a green foam 'statue of liberty' hat. He put it on his head and laughed as other patrons of the restaurant directed strange looks to their rowdy table. "Oh god, there's more…" He sighed, pulling out a 'I 'heart' NY' t-shirt and empire state building snow-globe. "Thanks guys- these gifts are real special." He thanked sarcastically.

Savvy winked at him."Well, we thought you'd forgotten New York existed- we felt it was our duty to remind you."

"I'm not sure my gift's gonna top that…" Meredith joked, although Derek could detect the hint of nervousness in Meredith's voice. She didn't think she was good with this kind of thing, she couldn't do sentimentality in this way. It was easier to joke than to give something meaningful.

"You mean inviting Sav and Weiss out wasn't the gift?" Derek wondered out loud, bringing his arm round to rest on Meredith's shoulder.

Meredith brought out a small box shaped gift, wrapped and taped up carefully. "Hmm… you taped it together with medical micropore tape?" Derek's tone was teasing as he unwrapped with precision. "I guess it's easy to rip off the reel…"

His fingers ran over the box as he swallowed hard, reading the front of the box, knowing what would be on the inside. He willed his hands not to shake as he opened the lid, forcing a smile on his face as he saw what was inside. A watch. His wife had gotten him a watch for his birthday. The whole table fell into an awkward silence as he took the watch out of the box, the quietness starkly juxtaposing the raucous banter of a few minutes before. He slipped off his old watch, securing it on his right hand before he shakily put on Meredith's watch on his left. Mark shifted uncomfortably on his chair as Savvy and Weiss stayed uncharacteristically silent.

Meredith could feel the atmosphere drop a few degrees around the table as the serious mood cloaked the table. "Do you like it?" She asked, her voice vulnerable.

Derek looked at her, looking in her eyes. She needed him to approve, for him to like it. She needed to know she made the right choice with her gift, that she could be that kind of wife for him.

"I love it." He replied with emotion, smiling as he kissed her on the lips, his eyes falling back down to his watch.

Meredith knew he wasn't telling the whole truth. She could see it, his eyes were dull with the lack of mirth they had shone with for the evening, his tiny wrinkles not crinkling like they normally did when he smiled truthfully. This was his fake smile, the one he gave everyone, it didn't lift his whole body. It didn't make her heart swell.

"If you don't, I can return it. It's just… a few weeks ago, we were looking around, and I left you wandering the mall, and I found you at that jewellery store. I went back and asked the lady what you were looking at, and she said you tried this one on. I just thought…but if you don't…"

"Meredith…" Derek sighed, almost tiredly. "I don't want to return it."

The rest of the evening wasn't as buoyant as it was before, and Meredith could see behind Derek's mask of fake happiness. She saw this face for that split second when he removed the box from the wrapping paper, and the way his expression fell, his cheeks losing their happy blush. She had noticed the way his adam's apple bobbed up and down in his throat uncomfortably, she knew there was more to it. She saw how Mark looked on, his face seemingly neutral, although he couldn't hide his concern. It felt like there was some elephant in the room, and Meredith wasn't in on it.

As they left the restaurant, the conversation beginning to pick up again, they stopped at Meredith's car. "You guys coming to our apartment for a drink?" Derek asked as he walked to the passenger side, his fingers gripping the door handle. "We have another cake at home…"

Mark turned down his offer- he had early rounds tomorrow, and the last thing he needed was to collapse in a heap on Derek's couch. Savvy and Weiss smiled, embracing their friend. "Sorry, Derek. We're planning to go to Orcas island, lock ourselves in a room in a little hotel and really enjoy the last time it really will be the two of us before a baby comes along. We fly out of Seattle in five days time- perhaps we can meet up for drinks, or lunch."

Meredith looked on- a little confused as to why Derek was pushing this drinks thing. Before, he had been reluctant to leave their apartment, preferring to celebrate his birthday in a more intimate way between just the two of them, and now it seemed the last thing he wanted to do was be alone with Meredith, and talk about why he looked so sad. On the drive home, Derek withdrew again, silent as he looked out to the grey Seattle streets through the window, as Meredith wondered what she had done- and what she could do to make it better. She had considered all the options- maybe she was looking too hard, and was reading Derek all wrong. It could have been her paranoia that was making her feel like her gift ruined the whole evening. But Derek looked like he was trying to blink back tears- and this wasn't good crying.

"Is this because I said I was happy not having kids right now?" Meredith asked him, her hand gripping the wheel tightly, unsure whether he would recoil if she tried to reach out to him. "Because it wasn't a concrete thing- I'm open to discussion about it. I mean, we'd have to plan it a little more than 'let's just stop the pill', you know, try and juggle some rotations, when and where I try for fellowships…"

"It's not about kids, Meredith." Derek sighed.

"Ooook… but it's about something?" Meredith questioned. This was like twenty freaking questions.

Derek looked at her, the beautiful woman beside him, who invited his friends out for his birthday, who sat through a dinner and listened to stories about the man she loved- stories she knew nothing about, but looked at him more and more like she understood him better with every anecdote. She gave him one of the best birthdays he could remember in recent times, because it was thoughtful, understated, intimate- just right. And now he was making her flustered, and she didn't deserve that. He was making her think that he was depressed because she told Savvy and Weiss she didn't want a kid in nine months' time. It was easier to talk her out of her pain than it was to talk her out of his. "I really want kids with you. I'm not gonna lie. I want kids with you more than anything. I can't wait to hold that tiny baby in my arms, and wonder how the hell we made them. I want to lie in bed with you at night and mumble sleepy plans about daycare and birthday parties and which elementary school to send them to. I want that family with you. But I'm also willing to wait. Two years, five years- I'll be there. I'm already an attending, I know where I'll be, but I appreciate you don't. I get that the uncertainty is unsettling."

"My mother, she… she chose residency. I can't choose….my children will have to be number one, Derek…"

"Mer…" Derek's voice cracked, the last two syllables of her name getting stuck in his throat as he reached over to squeeze her shoulder. He couldn't even console her insecurities without getting upset, thinking about family, about his own, what would be in thirty years.

They got home, and Derek flopped onto the couch while Meredith stood behind him helplessly, away from his field of vision where she could allow her shoulders to sag in defeat that nothing was getting through to Derek. The silence deafened her, and she exhaled deeply as she watched him staring out of the window. She turned on her heel and walked to their bedroom, the clacking sound of her shoes against the wood floor barely registering in Derek's mind as he was lost in his trance.

While Meredith was changing out of her black dress, she wondered how the evening managed to end like this. She could have just crawled into bed, and she wouldn't have been surprised if Derek hadn't noticed. It would have been so tempting to give up, slip on her Dartmouth t-shirt and hide under the covers, and cling onto the good parts of Derek's birthday- but she couldn't just leave him there, on that couch alone. Pulling on her sweatpants, she padded back into the living room, curling up by his side on the couch, where he had taken the watch she had given him off his wrist, and was sweeping his thumb over the dial.

"You know, tonight could have been horrible for me. They could have made me feel like Derek's new young wife who didn't know anything about the Derek they knew, the conversation could have been too polite, too forced, but I actually enjoyed myself." She began, twisting her fingers into the hem of her shirt.

"I'm glad." Derek smiled, the same generic smile as he had plastered on his face since he saw the watch.

"And then I gave you that." She gestured to the watch in his hand. "And everyone else paled as if they had seen a ghost, and there was this freaking huge elephant in the room, and no one would tell me what the hell it was. They didn't make me feel like Derek's new young wife who didn't know anything about the Derek they knew, you did. You made me feel like there's something you don't want to tell me, and I don't know what it is. It isn't kids, it isn't that I now know you can play the guitar and sing, or that you can hit things with a baseball bat. It's the freaking watch, isn't it?" She accused.

Meredith saw Derek's eyes flash with sadness as he looked to the watch in his hands, then back up to Meredith, as his tongue darted out of his mouth to wet his lips. Her eyes narrowed as she studied his face, watching every painful emotion play out across his face like lightning bolts in the night sky. "I lie to you all the time, Meredith." Derek whispered, his voice cracking like glass. "I lie to you everyday- I say I'll be there, in five years time, in ten years time, that we will grow old together. But it's not true. No one can promise that. I don't know if I'll be a father to our kids, I might not be there to see them grow up, or be there to help you make decisions about them."

"Is this about your dad?" Meredith asked softly, slowly moving to curl herself around Derek's body as he sank into the back cushions of the couch.

"My mom gave my dad a watch for his birthday. The reason I looked at this watch in the store was because it's exactly like his. It's how I remember it. Two guys shot my dad for his watch. My mom saved up for it. Two guys came into a store and they shot him because he wouldn't give it up. That's how my dad died."

Meredith was stunned into silence. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his chest, her fingers tangling into his curls as she squeezed him closer. She could feel the tension in his body gently unwind as he let out a few sobs and sniffles. She let him cry as they held each other. His sobs died down, and they sat in silence as Derek breathed a little heavier than normal.

"I've had thirty birthdays without him, Meredith. They're supposed to get easier, aren't they?"

Meredith lifted her head from its position on his chest, surprised to see a wet patch from her own tears- she hadn't even realized she had been crying for him. "I'm not sure." She answered. "I don't think there are any rules- all I know is that if you feel it, then it's real to you."

Love, hate. Happiness, sadness. Loneliness, intimacy.

They had felt all of it. When they were together, and when they were apart.

Derek smiled sadly at her through his watery blue eyes , looking up at her, blinking at him, providing him her unwavering support. "I love you." She whispered. That was her real birthday gift to him, not the watch, not bringing his friends to Seattle, not even the collapsed cake she made that stood sadly on their kitchen counter. It was her admission that she loved him, uttered like it was a secret shared between only the two of them. "But…just…give up your watch, your wallet…give them anything they want. Because there's nothing more important than you. I can't replace you…"

He interrupted her with a kiss, a mind numbing, body tingling kiss. He put his body and soul into it, his hands holding her strongly as she lost her balance, threatening to topple back as the force of his lips on hers caught her by surprise. "You know, you still have to make good on one last birthday promise from this morning..." Derek murmured huskily against the smooth skin of her face.

As he breathed in deeply, catching his breath from the kiss, he could smell Meredith, she was safe and warm and comforting. She was his soulmate- she had the lock that fitted his key, and the key that fitted his lock. He waited for her- for when she felt safe enough to open her lock, and they allowed their truest selves to step out and show each other completely and honestly who they were; they were loved by each other for who they were and not who they pretended to be to the outside world- they unveiled their best parts to each other. Because no matter what went wrong around them- with memories of dead fathers, insecurities of inadequate mothers, they were in that moment- with that one person, safe in their own paradise. They shared their deepest longings, their sense of directions. She made his life come to life.

_*****************************************************************************************_

_**Honey you are a rock upon which I stand  
And I come here to talk  
I hope you understand  
**_

_**Green eyes  
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you  
And how could anybody  
Deny you?**_

I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter now I met you  
And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you

Green Eyes  
Honey you are the sea  
Upon which I float  
And I came here to talk  
I think you should know

That green eyes  
You're the one I wanted to find  
And anyone who tried to deny you  
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load  
And it feels so much lighter since I met you  
And honey you should know  
That I could never go on without you

Green Eyes 

_**  
Honey you are a rock  
Upon which I stand**_

_**COLDPLAY- Green Eyes.**_


	9. Chapter 9: LAZY DAYS

**(A/N: Sorry this update took so long! School is so busy right now, and I was left a little unsure of how far I wanted to take this update. I hope you enjoy this update, and haven't forgotten the fic, lol. A huge thanks go to LJ who helped me with a lot of the brain stickiness and who allowed me to bounce ideas off of her like the brick wall that she is!)**

Meredith had days where she woke up a little more optimistic than others- she knew Derek accepted, and even _loved_ her self-dubbed 'dark-and-twistiness', but it was nice for her to not feel it some days. Her life now was better than it was before. She had a husband, she was happy with him, and she wasn't feeling beaten at work. Meredith would never be able to shake the damage of her childhood, where her mother treated her as an obligation she'd rather not have, but recently it seemed to hurt less than it did before.

They had a Saturday and Sunday together- which to them, was like gold dust. Pagers were forgotten in jeans pockets and purses, and they had time to catch up on all the real life things the hospital prevented them from doing. Surgeries were great- there was nothing like the buzz from a surgery, but it was exhausting, and Meredith didn't consider it to be everything- not like her mother. There were pleasures she couldn't get out of surgeries-like that feeling of waking up without an alarm.

Pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail, she padded into the kitchen, where Derek was leaning back on his chair, back towards her as he sipped his coffee. Meredith approached him, running her hand over the nape of his neck, her fingers brushing his messy curls as she kissed him good morning, before she sat down beside him. She raised her eyebrows mischievously, grinning as she grabbed his full mug of coffee and took a gulp.

"You think you're cute…" Derek rolled his eyes exaggeratedly before laboriously getting up and pouring himself another cup of coffee. "But payback's a bitch."

"Payback?!" Meredith's brow wrinkled as she wondered what the payback could be. She would have been more worried about it, but she could see Derek's smirk- she could read him like a book now, even though she could see him trying to hide his smile.

"Mmhmm. You wanted equal ownership of the trial, and Mass. General contacted me, wanting me to go there, give a little presentation and showcase our technique next month, so I gave you the credit you deserve, and volunteered you to present, you know, explain your rationale…" Derek smiled, sipping his coffee.

Meredith surprised him with her reaction. She leaned forward, closer to Derek, her leg rubbing his lightly as her weight shifted. "You and me in Boston? Could be fun… I could show you all my haunts…"

Derek raised his eyebrows. "All the childhood ones? Like the park where you used to play on the swings?"

Meredith shook her head and laughed at him, getting up to grab her box of sugary cereal from the cupboard. "No. I mean the bars in Boston I used to go to in undergrad at the weekends- if you knew enough people there was always someone going…"

Derek sat back, trying to read the paper as Meredith peeked over his shoulder, spooning the cereal into her mouth as her eyes scanned the text quickly. Party girl Meredith still intrigued him- not because he didn't know how well she could hold her alcohol- he'd been on the losing side to that contest before, but because the Meredith he knew was hard-working, and would have never taken a day off for no reason. She didn't hide behind the alcohol anymore, didn't want to blur her memories with tequila, but wanted to remember every one.

He couldn't pretend his heart didn't beat faster as he thought back to his first encounter with Meredith, which was most definitely alcohol fuelled- and what that felt like, even though the room was spinning at the time.

_Derek felt like he wasn't in control of his limbs as Meredith dragged him out of the cab he found himself in, sprawled over the backseat with this girl he had barely met. They took some time to get to the front door, their legs and heads in complete discordance as they staggered to her front door. By the time Meredith had remembered her keys were in her purse, Derek's shirt was already unbuttoned, and the promise of something so meaningless had him impatient._

_He was Derek Shepherd. He was a god-like Neurosurgeon, although the woman cursing at her keys in front of him didn't know that- she didn't know anything. She didn't know his wife was one of the best neonatal surgeons on the east coast, and she didn't know the only reason Derek was even in Seattle was because she cheated on him with his oldest friend. But he didn't know anything either- because a week ago, if someone had told him Addison Montgomery-Shepherd would have slept with Mark Sloan, he'd have laughed in their face._

_The door slammed behind them, the glass shaking as Meredith pushed him against it, her lips all over his. He let himself get carried away by this woman he barely knew, hoping it would make that lost feeling go away for at least a little while. He hadn't been with another woman in the past fifteen years, and for the past eleven he had never thought he would again. Marriage was for life, until death do us part, and in his mother's case-beyond. He knew what Addison liked, how she liked to be touched, where she liked to be kissed…and with this girl he knew nothing, and yet somehow, this is just what he needed. _

_Meredith usually kept her eyes closed when she was doing slutty things to the different guys she picked up in bars- she didn't want to see what was behind them, because it wasn't about what they were feeling, for that moment, it was all self-gratification. She had learned not to hope for anything more than what she had in the present, because people disappointed her. The night before her first shift at the hospital wasn't supposed to be like this- but why change the habit of her adult lifetime? This is what she did. But with this guy- everything felt different. She couldn't take her eyes off his blue ones, and she saw a sadness behind them, one that she felt inside of herself too. He was also broken by something, or someone, and that intrigued her._

_They sank onto the couch in a mass of limbs, and Derek watched her emotions play out on her face like a storyboard. She stared into his eyes, and he could see a pain that mirrored his. In that moment, what they shared was special, but Derek didn't think any further than that night. He wasn't looking for anything other than what this was- something meaningless, meaningless like his marriage, meaningless like his friendship with Mark, meaningless like the past eleven years of his life._

_And after the third time that night, there was no small talk, because there was nothing to say. There was no cuddling, no intimacy, just space. That bond they had before was broken, and now they were just two strangers again- people who knew nothing about each other, and yet, Derek felt like he knew more of this girl who pushed him off the couch more than he realised. Once the alcohol wore off, he wasn't sure what this would feel like- he hadn't done this in so long; but he was grateful to the girl who was now snoring on the couch loudly as he adjusted the throw pillow under his head that cushioned the hardwood floor- because she made the ache inside his heart reduce a little._

"Hey Derek- turn the page…" Meredith nudged him, breaking the memory he had of their first night together.

Derek smiled as he dutifully complied- this was what Meredith did. She always read the newspaper over his shoulder, either heckling him to turn the page or to stay on it, but she rarely read it if she had it to herself. Derek didn't mind- he liked the interaction, the throwaway comments of an article that they were interested in, the way Meredith's head rested on his shoulder as she scanned the pages.

Who would have known that the girl who was his cathartic one night stand would be his wife? After she had kicked him out of her house with an embarrassed handshake, he had never expected to see her again.

"What are you thinking about?" Meredith asked him, noticing he was unusually quiet. She had noticed that far away look in his eyes, and had that feeling that he wasn't quite there. She was asking questions now, because she wasn't afraid of the answers anymore, she was stronger than that, she had more than enough happiness in her life to deal with it if it was a reply she wasn't prepared to hear.

Out of habit, she held her breath anyway, until she saw the crinkles crease at the corners of Derek's eyes, and felt his hand move across the paper to hers, wrapping his warm fingers around her own. "I was thinking about you." He admitted in a quiet tone. "I was thinking of how we have come from a nameless drunken one night stand to here. How at the beginning, I was just another guy at a bar, and who knew it would reach this point?"

And to Meredith, that was the exact point of one night stands. Because she made the act of sex so trivial, that she couldn't envisage a future with these men. She didn't have to have that awkward conversation about her mother, and they didn't have to know about her issues that made her who she was. She was just a girl in a bar. And because of Derek's dogged pursuit of her and her affections, she had reached this point; this point where she could share who she was, and know it didn't make someone run away screaming. He wanted to be with her.

Meredith laughed. "Well- I guess we could go those bars in Boston and pretend to be the 'guy in a bar' and 'girl in a bar' although, I think there's something in knowing more about each other than just that."

Derek picked up their mugs and bowls, and rinsed them in the sink, watching her collapse onto the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table as she indulged in their lazy morning. He sat beside her, pulling her towards him so she virtually lay on him while his toes touched hers on the coffee table. "See? I told you I'm someone you need to get to know to love…"

'_So if I know you, I'll love you?'_

His hands slid down, circling her waist, slipping under the t-shirt she was wearing to feel her smooth skin. "I still think that was a bit presumptuous…" Meredith elbowed his side playfully. "There's still lots of things we don't know about each other."

Derek pulled her even closer to kiss her neck as he mumbled into the unruly wisps of hair that fell out of her ponytail. "I loved you before I knew you, so nothing you tell me will stop me from loving you."

"You're really turning up the cheese this morning." Meredith laughed as she hooked one of her legs over his and pulled herself up to straddle him. "It's a shame…I was going to tell you another thing about me- something that might surprise you."

His strong hands slid up her back, his fingers finding the elastic band holding her ponytail, and he pulled it out, letting her hair down. Meredith touched her forehead to his as she leaned forward, as Derek's hands pressed down her neck and shoulders. "Surprise me…" Derek whispered against her lips.

Meredith was going to say something, but her words got lost- like bubbles, they disappeared into nowhere, and the attempt to say something came out as a heavy sigh as Derek hummed against her ear. She definitely surprised him as she sat up, forcing his arms that lay limply across her neck to unlock as her fingers gripped the bottom of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head, leaving her topless.

His eyes tracked her body before they rested at her eyes; those same pools of greeny-blue that drew him in that first night, and as that night, they mirrored his own feelings, except this time, it wasn't of hurt and unresolved issues, but they reflected sentiments of love and contentment.

Sunlight of the spring morning streamed through the window and warmed Meredith's back as she limply supported herself against Derek on the couch, silent as their limbs remained intertwined as they caught their breath. This time, there was the cuddling, there was the intimacy, there was the knowledge there would be another time, it was so much more than that instant gratification they had that drunken night. Meredith's face was buried in the crook of his neck as she remained still, waiting for her heart to stop racing. She knew this 'guy in a bar' now, he wasn't just some try-hard guy who looked good in his red shirt, he was her partner, her lover, he was the one she wanted to share her life with. She wasn't scared to show him the most unattractive sides of herself, because she knew when he said 'I love you' to her when she had the flu and hadn't been out of bed for three days straight, he meant it wholeheartedly. Best of all- there was no pain anymore.

Derek wasn't lying when he said he loved her before he knew her- because even on that first day after the one night stand, after the surgery together, he knew he loved her. At the time, he put it down to lust, to her being new and exciting and fresh- and partly it was because of that, because she was everything Addison wasn't, but it was also because of her innocence, her intelligence, the intensity with which she did everything, her drive to be a good person. His fingers traced lazy patterns on her back as her lips found his jawline and peppered his stubbled skin with tiny kisses. She regained her strength back again and sat up as she kissed him on his lips hard, her hands pushing against his chest as she leaned into him.

After the second time that morning, Derek groaned underneath her, struggling to sit up from the slouched position he found himself in. "God, you've got stamina" he grunted as he pulled himself up.

Meredith laughed tiredly, her head on his chest as she enjoyed the feeling of not having to take her finger off the pause button to start her life again- they were in their little bubble, where the outside world couldn't touch them, and it was just them. "Well- I did run a marathon…" She murmured, lifting her head off his chest to look into his eyes.

Derek choked in disbelief. "You? You don't jog, you've never had a gym membership and you eat a lot of crap- I don't buy it…"

"Are you calling me a liar?" Meredith asked in mock shock, reaching for her t-shirt that hung on the arm of the couch. "I ran the New York marathon in 2000. I got a time of four hours fifteen minutes."

He watched her get dressed in her sweatpants, and she threw his pajama bottoms at him. "That's pretty impressive. It seems I underestimated you…" He replied, following her to the fridge as she poured herself a glass of juice. "You know, I used to marshal the marathon when I lived in New York."

"Oh god- it wasn't you I puked on at mile thirteen, was it?" Meredith eyes widened at the thought, before descending into laughter.

Derek watched her as she disappeared into the spare bedroom, bringing her laptop and trial papers to the couch, laying everything out as she booted up her computer. "What made you help out at the marathon every year?" Meredith asked him, looking at him over her shoulder.

"Making sure Mark didn't mack on the skinny blondes" Derek joked, picking up the newspaper from the counter to continue the crossword. "There were thousands of them- literally. Makes me wish he was stationed at mile thirteen the year you ran the marathon. That would have been karma!"

Meredith rolled her eyes at him as she shook her head. "Seriously? 'Mack?' Been on for a crossword clue and stumbled upon that word?"

"Ouch! You're so mean!" Derek retorted. "Why did you run the marathon?"

Meredith turned around again, resting her chin on the back of the couch as she began to speak. "Well- it's a good thing to do, right? I mean, train, get fit for, be healthy, commit to…but I also did it for charity- Mom told me about her diagnosis, and it kinda changed my perspective on life. You know,I wanted to run the Boston marathon but didn't get a place, I wanted to run at the place I fled to to run away from those pressures of school, it seemed kinda fitting somehow. Obviously Mom didn't want anyone to know, quit work and pretended to be with the UN when she was just laying low in Seattle, making sure everything was in order, and my way of dealing with keeping this secret was to raise money for the Alzheimer's association. Although it may not have been able to make medical advancements to help my Mom, maybe they could find a cure for my children's generation."

She turned back around to her work without a second thought to what she said, but Derek continued to be surprised by her- just as he thought he knew everything that there was to know about her, she revealed another secret about herself. That lack of selfishness made her special- the way she was always there for her friends, for her patients, and unlike other people, wasn't doing it for any other ulterior motive other than because it was the right thing to do. He found her complete unawareness of how special she was as a person one of the most attractive things about her. She didn't know how good she was, and that made her better than anyone else.

Two hours later, Meredith rubbed her eyes tiredly and looked around for Derek, but he was nowhere to be seen. She moved the pile of trial papers and closed the lid of her laptop, calling his name as she looked around the apartment for him. Eventually she found him, on their bed asleep with an open book on his chest.

Meredith watched him for a few seconds, before crawling onto the bed and laying beside him. Derek felt the weight of the bed shift as Meredith joined him, and rolled onto his side to spoon with her, tucking his chin perfectly behind her shoulder as his fingers wrapped around hers on the bed.

"Mmmm…" He moaned sleepily as he kissed her neck gently. "Thought you were working…"

She snuggled deeper into his side, grasping his hand tighter. "I'm not gonna spend the whole day working, Derek. It's our weekend off. I enjoy doing trial stuff, but I like doing nothing with you too. Like spending the whole day in our pajamas."

"There were those two hours on the couch where I recall there were no pajamas at all." Meredith could feel his smirk behind her.

Moments together came too few and far between. Moments like this where they could be who they wanted, do what they wanted- any accolades from the trial felt empty and hollow without Derek to share it with. "I want to do so much more than dedicate my life to the trial, Derek. We can have it all, can't we?" She asked, a hint of insecurity creeping into her voice.

Derek's eyes popped open at Meredith's question. _Have it all._ It was her way of asking if they could balance the family and the career and everything that came with it while still being happy. "Yes, Mer. We can make whatever we want work for us."

"Does that include drinks and a burger at Joe's for dinner tonight?" She asked, laughing as he kissed her.

Monday morning rolled around too fast, and Meredith found herself hiding in the small doctor's office on the general surgery floor, ordering tests and chasing up other departments to come and see her patients. No one told you this was really what doctors did, it was all about the glamour of surgery. They didn't show that to even score a place in the OR, you had to work your ass off doing all the administrative crap.

Meredith looked up as Cristina entered the small room and sat down beside her, stretching as she waited for her log-in page to load on the screen in front of her. "So…how was your Sunday after we met you at Joe's on Saturday?" Cristina asked, tapping patient details into the system.

"Well…you know how alcohol makes everything go porny for me…so- we were up until five in the morning, we slept in until one, and then we ate breakfast in bed, which was more just bran flakes out-of-the-box while doing the Sunday crossword, then we went for a walk, talked about maybe getting a dog sometime in the future, came back, had dinner, and fell asleep watching some movie on TV."

"How domesticated." Cristina replied dryly. "A 'fine' would have sufficed in this situation. But why use one word when you can use a hundred, right?"

Meredith rolled her eyes at her friend. "As if you and Owen are any less couple-y. Just because you don't have any kind of ring on your finger, it doesn't mean that it's less serious. Have you forgotten this man told you he wants to be there in forty years?"

"I would forget, but you keep reminding me." Cristina deadpanned, opening the patient's file.

"I bet your Sunday was the same as ours." Meredith challenged.

"He cooked brunch, we watched cardio tapes all afternoon…" Cristina realised where this was going. "Look, whatever…don't try to add me to the married club anytime soon. I already nearly went there, and look how that ended up."

Silence fell between the two friends as they worked, slamming phones down when met with other snarky residents, and being equally snarky back to people who paged them.

"So Shepherd and you are getting a dog?" Cristina asked suddenly, her eyebrows raised.

"We talked about it."

"A tiny fluffball you can carry around in a bag like my mother has, or one of those huge beast type dogs?"

"Just a dog. Why are you so interested?" Meredith enquired defensively.

"Because people talk about getting pets as a practice run for kids. Saying you're getting a dog is basically saying you're broody. Think about it, Mer. You both own it, love it, clean up after it when it poops- it's a furry prototype kid."

Meredith shrugged, trying to brush Cristina's comment off. She already knew Derek would be a great dad, that he would fill the gaps she left behind, because they had already shared Doc. He brought them together in a way that allowed them to be closer to each other than they should have been- it gave them a reason to be together, if only for those stolen few minutes twice a week. But now the situation was different.

"You know, everyone's talking about your trip to Boston." Cristina said. "I don't have to pretend I'm not jealous to you too, do I?"

Meredith smiled, knowing that it was Cristina's way of apologising for making Meredith prickle about the dog, and what it meant. Sometimes just getting a dog meant getting a dog. No hidden meanings, no testing the waters, for once, that sentiment was as transparent as it should be. "Nah. But you know, de facto teaching is starting up again next month, and you'll get tons of publications" Meredith consoled, returning the same sentiment of keeping the conversation in no-man's land. "But here's a tip- if you publish something good with Owen, you get to have mini-vacations under the pretext of going for work. It's a win-win."

All of a sudden, the buzzing of Meredith's phone rang through the room as it vibrated against her pager in her labcoat pocket. Pulling it out, she saw the caller ID and answered it. "Hi…no, I'm not doing anything pressing, just catch up work on the general surgery floor. Your office? Ok, I'll be there as soon as I can."

Cristina looked at her, her expression questioning as she scribbled notes in a chart as she transcribed results from the computer to the paper.

"It's Derek." Meredith gestured to the phone.

"For a booty call?"

"Dunno…you think so?" Meredith wondered out loud, logging off the computer. "It could be something else- I don't know…do you think it's something bad?"

"No, definitely sex." Cristina shook her head, smirking at her best friend. She watched Meredith roll her eyes as she put her hands in her pockets and kicked the chair under the desk as she turned around to leave. "Hey Mer? At least he's still making booty calls, maybe you're completely domesticated and boring."

Meredith opened the door to Derek's office, after knocking lightly on the glass. As she stepped into the small room, the smell of coffee hit her nostrils and made her stomach growl. She hadn't had time for breakfast, and only has taken her travel mug of coffee, having to leave most of it as she was running to be on time for rounds.

Derek smiled at her from the other side of his desk, two cups of coffee and two pastries sitting next to the keyboard. "Hey…" He greeted as she sat in the visitor's chair on the other side of the desk.

"Coffee and breakfast? What did you do?" Meredith accused, grabbing the coffee and pastry anyway.

"I didn't do anything." Derek replied too quickly for it to be truly nonchalant. He got up from his chair, and took his coffee over to the couch, gesturing for Meredith to join him.

Meredith brought the second pastry with her as she sat down beside him on the small couch. "And to think, Cristina thought I was being called here for sex. This is so much better." She commented as the pastry flakes fell onto her scrubs as she bit into it.

"Actually…" Derek began as he played with the lid of his coffee cup. "…I got a call from the contractor today, and he had a cancellation, another client bailed on their project, and he said he could start on our house if we want him to."

The mouthful of breakfast got stuck in her throat, and the buttery pastry felt like a hard rock as she tried to swallow it, feeling the bolus slink uncomfortably down her throat. She sipped her coffee to try and cover up her surprise. "Our house…" She choked out.

Since they had gotten married, she had barely thought about it. It was such a big job, and the contractor they chose had such a backlog of jobs that it seemed like some distant dream, even though it was the finalised plans themselves that propelled Meredith to visit Derek in Las Vegas back in November. And now the thought was sinking in- they'd already done the difficult thing- moving out of her house and leaving her friends behind, the comfort zone well and truly shattered. Building the house was nothing, and yet it felt like such a huge thing.

Derek knew this was a big thing- he felt it too. When the plans were still on paper, however final, they were still just dreams, just possibilities. If they broke ground, removed the trailer and started building walls, it was like the next era of their life- it would really be forcing them into their future. "So, I just was running it by you, asking if it's what you want to do still. He's giving us until Friday to decide, but he said it was the best time of year to do it, because hopefully they'd be putting the frame up in the good summer weather." He said carefully. "Do you still want to?"

Meredith looked at him, his blue eyes drawing her in, a slight smile creeping on his face as he clutched his coffee. "I… yeah. Yeah, I do. It's just a bit of a shock. I thought I didn't have to think about it for a while. And now…wow, our house." Meredith stammered.

"You're ok with this?" Derek asked. "You're not freaking out?"

Meredith laughed, snuggling into his side. "Oh, I'm pretty sure I will sometime soon. It'll be about something stupid, like whether we have enough bathrooms for everyone, or whether we should paint or wallpaper the walls… so we should just say yes before I chicken out. I make all the best decisions that way." She smiled.

"You do…" Derek whispered, kissing her hair as he rested his head against hers, wondering how she was so cool about this.

Meredith sighed against Derek. "There will be kid's rooms…"

"Yes."

"That we have to fill with kids."

"Yeah…"

"I think…I've been thinking. I mean, I know I've been thinking about this. It's never going to be a right time, and if we wait until I become an attending, it might be too late." Kids? Was she talking about children? "I guess what I'm trying to say is-I'm ready. Two years from now I want to be pregnant with a chatty child of yours." She blurted out, looking straight at him, eyes wide, surprised with herself that she was telling him this. "Because when we have a baby, I'll know we didn't miss out on the fun stuff, like this weekend, and I'll know I accomplished something meaningful, like the trial. Two years is enough time to have some more fun before we have to get serious…"

"It doesn't sound like you're leaving me much choice in this does it?" He joked. "Where do I factor in your grand plan?"

Meredith rolled her eyes, and threw her napkin at his face, hitting him on the nose. Derek looked into her eyes. They were happy, there was no real doubt there. They planned the rooms, now they were planning the life that would fill the rooms. He had the urge to kiss her, this wonderful woman who wanted to give him everything. "But just so you know…the plan can be tweaked. If in two years, you're pregnant with our child, who hopefully will have your nose, I'll be the happiest man alive. And if for whatever reason it doesn't all go to plan, I'll love you just as much anyway." His lips skimmed hers as he spoke, before he kissed her deeper, sweetly and tenderly as her hand came up to play with the curls behind his ear.

They broke away from the kiss, and Meredith shook her head. "We should stop talking about these grown-up things now, I can feel an impending freakout. Let's talk about something inane- like the fact we've never been on a foreign vacation together, or that Cristina suggested we get one of those mini yappy dogs that you can fit into a purse."

"We've never gone on a real vacation?" Derek thought out loud. "We'll have to remedy that soon, and as for the toy dog? Absolutely not."

***************************************************************************************

_**You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,  
And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?"  
But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you  
And run your hands from my neck to my chest**_

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day  
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body  
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute  
'Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember  
Happy lost in your hair and the cold side of the pillow  
Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers  
And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day  
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body  
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute  
'Cause the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you  
_**  
SNOW PATROL-Crack the shutters**_


	10. Chapter 10: 365 DAYS

**Chapter 10- 365 days.**

Meredith's car protested a little as it slid next to Derek's in the parking lot. She looked over to him in his car, seeing him smile at her and giving her a cute little wave. She jumped out of her car, and took his waiting hand as they ran through the rain to bathroom showroom.

"This is pathetic…" Meredith complained as the automatic doors squeaked open in front of them. "Shopping for bathrooms in between surgeries is stupid."

Her converse shoes squelched against the concrete floor as she shivered against Derek. She looked down at her scrubs, the bottom of her pants soaked by running through parking lots and puddles. This was their life though, and Meredith wouldn't have exchanged it for the world. It had been three hundred and fifty five days since they had gotten married, and the whole of the last year had been like this- fitting their marriage in between the gaps of residency and being a renowned neurosurgeon, stealing those moments together to build their future. They had to schedule each other in- but at least they had that. They had this hour, looking at toilets and sinks and faucets, and they had those few minutes in bed before they fell asleep, discussing what kind of counter top they wanted in their kitchen.

"We just took ten days off Mer, this is what happens when you go take a late honeymoon in the Bahamas- people get jealous of your tan and dump a load of work on you." Derek smiled at her as they walked through the displays to the designer's office.

_Meredith could see Derek approach her in the corner of her eye, wearing that stupid little smirk of his on his face. She tried hard not to smile at it herself, knowing it was her weakness, and so she covered her mouth with her hand as she stared at the computer screen in front of her._

"Hey…" Derek greeted, leaning on the other side of the nurse's station as he reached for a chart.

She looked up at him, still smirking as he scribbled his name in the chart next to something a resident had written. "Hi…"

"So I was thinking this morning…"Derek began.

"Ooh. I wish I had been there for that- both dangerous and rare…" Meredith laughed at him.

Derek shook his head, ignoring her comment. "…I was wondering- if you could have your time again, how would you get married?"

Meredith paused for a moment, thinking. She wouldn't have changed a thing. Her wedding to Derek was perfect. Sure, it was a little unconventional, there was no pouffy dress or bow tie and tux, there were no flowers and live band, but it was honest, truthful and meaningful- it was everything that was important to her. Cristina was there, Derek was there, they had taken the time out of the running series of catastrophes in their life to promise each other they would be there for every one of those crises. And although they had promised each other unofficially that they would be committed, the piece of paper meant more to her than she had ever thought it would. "I wouldn't change a thing…well…maybe we should have actually taken Cristina's advice and gotten married in the drive-thru…but nothing fancy." Meredith shrugged. "What about you?"

"I'd have had the honeymoon. Somewhere hot, where no clothes is allowed. Somewhere where it's just you and me for more than forty eight hours…" Derek's eyes clouded with a haze of something Meredith interpreted as lust, love, and a bit of mischief added for good measure.

"Hmm… that does sound good…" Meredith smiled. "It's just a shame there's something called 'residency' that puts a dampener on all these plans…"

That wasn't quite true. They did have those optional four weeks of paid leave, but Meredith hadn't taken much of it that year. There just was never the opportunity to go anywhere. A few days alone with Derek outside of Seattle's city limits did seem alluring. She hadn't even thought of it until he mentioned it. "We should have the honeymoon." She blurted out, a smile creeping across her face. "You know, the whole lazy-cocktails-on-the-beach type vacation. I could find out if your pasty irish skin tans or if you burn first like me. Let's do it. We'll talk about it when I get home tonight."

They wandered through the showroom, looking at all the different mock-ups of bathrooms. "It's wrong to be intimidated by a shape of toilet, right?" Meredith laughed. "I mean, I thought there was only one shape, but I was wrong…"

Meredith bent down, inspecting one particular design, scrunching her nose in dismissal before moving onto the next one. "You know what I think we should do? Just buy the identical suite and tiles for every bathroom and be done with it." Derek smiled. "Then we can use the rest of the time to share a big greasy pizza at that place you like."

Meredith rolled her eyes at him, shaking her head. "You're the one who had embarrassingly precise specifications for the ridiculously huge tub in our bathroom." She stepped closer to him, so close that her nose grazed the bottom of his chin as she tilted her head up slightly, so he could hear her whisper, "I'd have thought part of the fun of being in the tub together was the close contact, rubbing up against each other as we search for the bar of soap underwater…" She watched his adam's apple bob up and down his throat with uncertainty as she could feel his body tense. Meredith smiled triumphantly. "But you're right. Pizza is a better idea."

Derek's retort never came as his mouth opened and closed helplessly. He had become completely undone by the way her nose barely touched his chin as she looked up through her lashes at him with a mischief that made him want to silence her the only way he knew how, by pressing his lips to hers and never letting go. Her breath fanned his skin lightly as she whispered suggestively, and it set his nerve endings on fire- except, they were in a bathroom showroom, and it was too public for the way he wanted to display his affection.

"Dr. and Dr. Shepherd!" The bathroom designer greeted, bounding up to them to shake their hands too vigorously. "I hope we're not eating into your lunchtimes too much."

The suggestion of the same bathroom design in all five bathrooms was hastily forgotten once they saw the choices of tiles- it was so easy to nitpick, to deliberate endlessly on two different tiles which, to outsiders would have looked identical. Cristina joked to them too many times that her mother would have been all too happy to design their whole house for them from Beverly Hills, or even come to Seattle just for the job. And she'd have done it free of charge, her unwanted judgements on everything but the interior design being her fee.

Meredith was getting good at this stuff now. At first, the different types of countertop and roof tile intimidated her, but now she took it in her stride. If she liked something, she'd just do it without over thinking it, because it wasn't worth it.

"I like that tile and that sanitaryware." She pointed to the two different examples in the brochures with confidence. "That's for the downstairs- one down, four to go…"

"You know, you should take a little bit more time to think about it than that." Derek teased her. "These rooms have to last us a long time…"

"It took me half a second to decide to marry you, and I hope it lasts a lifetime." Meredith shot back, grinning back at him. "Anyway, they say that a bathroom only has a life of ten years, maybe fifteen tops. I reckon that would give us another two goes at designing all the bathrooms another time at least…"

She realised how uncharacteristically optimistic of her it was to be thinking that far into the future, but now she had no reason not to. It would be stupid to freak out about changing the bathroom in ten years' time when they'd already timetabled in when to have kids, how many bedrooms they'd have, how they'd make that cliff safe. Instead of scaring her like it used to, the promise of a future actually comforted her. Maybe that was because her greatest fear was the thought of being alone in that future like her mother was in hers, having alienated and pushed away everyone who cared about her. But Meredith knew Derek would be there, because his grin only grew wider when she talked about thirty years from now.

The next morning the alarm blared like it always did, and it felt too early to be getting up, like it always did, except it wasn't just another day. It was their first wedding anniversary. It was a milestone that Meredith at one point never thought she would reach, but there she was, married, and there weren't any major upsets where she had the urge to run away. One year- it felt so short and so long all at the same time.

"Mmm…" Derek moaned sleepily, as he wrapped his arm her midriff and pulled her closer, nuzzling his nose deep into her neck.

Meredith sighed happily, her eyes fluttering open just long enough to see the blurry numbers on their alarm clock. "Happy anniversary Mer…" Derek mumbled, as he moved his hand up her side slowly, indulgently, before resting against her naked breast.

She turned onto her back as Derek's hand started to roam lazily, as did his lips all over her body as the covers got pulled down with the movement of their bodies. Meredith's hand flopped by her side on the pillow, and she reluctantly spoke, her voice raspy in anticipation and sleep. "We really don't have time for this…"

Derek grinned against her skin, pushing her deeper into the mattress. He knew how to undo her in minutes, unravel her into incoherence in no time at all. Sure, they liked to take it slow, pretend that time stopped everywhere like it was for them, but sometimes, real life didn't allow that. Surgeries and rounds and patients and jobs didn't care about intimacy between a married couple. So he'd have to take some creative licence.

"Derek…" She insisted more fervently this time, except it came out like a pant, her hands pushing against his shoulders helplessly as he pinned her in place. If she bent her knee, he'd have to move out of the way, and then they wouldn't be late for work.

"Meredith…" Derek began slowly, skimming his lips against her soft skin. "If I tell you something, promise you won't get mad…"

"If it's something bad, of course I'll get mad" Meredith replied, trying to move, but Derek held her tighter against the bed- she couldn't move. Even if she didn't want to listen to it, she had no choice.

"I kinda changed the time on the alarm clock twenty minutes forward last night so we'd have time this morning…" He said quietly, anticipating either the silence or abuse.

There was only a moment before Meredith reacted. "Twenty minutes? You better hurry up…" She grinned, eyebrow arched, before she kissed him.

Meredith was still drying her hair after her shower as she walked into the kitchen. She looked around, frowning as she watched Derek pour coffee into a mug and pull out his muesli from the cupboard.  
"What?" He asked her, noting her disappointed expression.

"I was expecting a special breakfast on the table- you know, pancakes or French toast or bacon…" Meredith replied, licking her lips at the thought of hypothetical bacon.

"Says who?" Derek said in amusement, as he chewed on his cereal.

Meredith shrugged, sitting beside him with a cup of coffee. "Dunno. Just figured it was an anniversary thing."

Derek laughed. "Mer, we've been married a year now. I'll go get bagels and muffins and pastries from a bakery, and I'll take you out for breakfast, but since when have I ever cooked you pancakes?"

"I just thought- a husband on his best behaviour on their anniversary cooks breakfast…"

"I didn't know you wanted trout…" Derek answered absent-mindedly.

"I don't…" Meredith smirked. "I know that's the only thing you can cook…"

--------------------

"You realise how screwed up it is that I am the one who's gotten married and managed to stayed married the longest out of all of my friends, right?" Meredith told Derek as they walked through the parking lot to the hospital entrance.

Derek disagreed. "Why do you think that? It's not screwed up." He argued quietly. "It's not screwed up." He repeated, more insistently. "Meredith…." He sighed, grabbing her hand beside his, stopping them in the middle of the parking lot, still dark in the early morning, illuminated by fluorescent street lamps. "Many other couples would have broken up after the things we've been through, they wouldn't have lasted your accident, the tough times during the trial- and yet we have. And a lot of that is because of you, because you want to be here. It's not luck that's made us stay married for a year, it's our hard work. You should be proud of it, and enjoy it, not question it." He kissed her on the lips softly, his hand squeezing hers in support.

And even though Meredith didn't believe in what her mother had told her so often, she couldn't shake it out of her mind. Forgiving someone for their mistakes and not bringing them up every five minutes was considered a weakness. It wasn't a strength- because how was being passive a strength? And yet, Meredith thought in some weird way, her passivity was a kind of aggression- an aggression to get what you want and know what you have to do to get it. She wanted to grow old with Derek, have a life with him, and sometimes that meant they had to agree to disagree. She could have let the thought of Derek choosing Addison first eat her up inside, but yet she chose to remember that after she was blasted by that bomb, he picked her instead. She wasn't infallible either, she had made her share of errors, not telling Derek what she was thinking, closing off.

Derek smiled at her under the dim glow of the streetlight above them, even if it was tinged in a sadness. It hurt that even after a year of marriage, she had flashes of uncertainty about actually being where they were. It hurt that he was partly responsible for that doubt that was planted in her mind, that he had confirmed to her that he was everything her mother had told her men were- liars and cheaters who run away when it gets tough. He had just compounded it all, cemented it as a truth. And even though he fought everyday to prove to Meredith choosing Addison was the biggest mistake of his life, it didn't take away from the hurt that he still chose her first.

Meredith shook her head, trying to displace those negative thoughts in her mind. "I'm sorry." She apologised. "I just… I shouldn't be thinking so negatively today. You're right. I'm enjoying it." She said firmly, trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him.

"You should still tell me what you're thinking though. Always tell me…whether it's positive or negative, you have to let me know." Derek rubbed the top of her arm.

The hardest thing about being in a relationship for Meredith was that precise thing. Her thoughts were private, precious parts of her that she couldn't just give up so easily without trusting him. He thought she was beautiful, and there were parts of her that she thought were ugly. And if she showed those sides to him, he might have begun to think less of her than this pedestal he had put her on. And slowly, somehow, she had begun to tell him what she thought, and sometimes she was pleasantly surprised by his reactions, and sometimes, less so. But that was all about probabilities, no one could win all the time. The only problem with Meredith was that it was hard for her to choose the way to lose, when she thought she never won in the first place.

Derek saw Meredith's eyes soften, as she trusted him a little bit more. He realised that with her, sometimes he had to keep telling her that he was going to be there, that he loved her. It was understandable, he couldn't undo thirty years of Ellis telling her she was ordinary and that her opinion wasn't worth anything in one year. He kissed her one more time before they broke apart, still close together but barely brushing hands as they walked closer to the hospital entrance. They had tried to maintain some distance while at work. Everyone knew their history, seeing their relationship start out and grow within those four walls, their private life becoming gossip fodder. But now that she was Dr. Shepherd, and it wasn't just something cheap and temporary, they wanted to cling to what little credibility they had left. Meredith was good on her own, she didn't need people thinking she only got opportunities because she made out with her husband in hallways. Besides, not overdosing on the love at work meant that they had something to look forward to when they got home.

"You look like crap…" Cristina observed as Meredith entered the residents' locker room.

"Thanks." Meredith replied sarcastically, dumping her bag on the bench. "I blame Derek. I got twenty minutes less sleep this morning, and we still managed to be another fifteen minutes behind schedule…"

"Ugh. Meredith- I didn't ask for details. I was just letting you know your hair looks like a bird's nest, and your face is all red, probably from whisker burn." Cristina pointed to the mirror.

Meredith groaned as she looked at her reflection, running her hands through her hair. They were running so late, Meredith got dressed and brushed her teeth at the same time, and hadn't even bothered to look at herself in the mirror. Derek hadn't said anything to her. She was going to kill him. She reached into her locker, finding some moisturiser before rubbing it into her skin. She could see Cristina come up behind her in the corner of the mirror, smiling at her friend. "Happy anniversary, Mer." Cristina said quietly, the slightest of smiles playing across her face.

"You remembered?" Meredith asked in surprise turning around to meet her friend's gaze.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "I remember things, Meredith. I have an IQ of 150, I just choose not to say I remember some things. I'm happy you and Shepherd made it to a year of marriage. You're not one of those sickly sweet couples who have adorable pet names for each other, like 'baby' and 'honey' and all those other crappy cutesy words. You're just Mer, he's just Derek. I like that. I also like that you haven't spawned McDreamy offspring just yet. It just proves that you can be married and not fall into the trap of marriage." She said with the slightest of smiles, before she walked out of the locker room.

Even though Cristina had left the room, Meredith still smiled gratefully. Cristina's honesty may have been brutal at best, but Meredith appreciated that Cristina told her how she saw it, even if sometimes her expressions lacked tact and sensitivity. Second to Derek, Cristina was the most important person in her life, and the only other person she wanted to share her wedding day with. She was there when Meredith committed to Derek, the only other person who had witnessed it, and Meredith had to admit to herself, she was a little surprised that Cristina thought enough about it to remember it was her anniversary, and her quiet congratulations came completely unexpected.

It was easy to think of Cristina as just a robot with no feelings, but Meredith knew better as soon as she met her. There was something behind the coldness that was more genuine than anyone she'd ever known. Other people had built up their façade of insincere politeness, they never really let their guard down, whereas with Cristina, you got what she was thinking- completely uncensored. And although many people hated her for it, it was something Meredith immediately liked about her. Life wasn't dealing you good cards all the time, and Meredith appreciated Cristina told her how it was. But there was a soft core under that hard shell, and very few people got to see it.

The glint of her ring caught her eye in the mirror as she fixed her ponytail. She wasn't a big, fancy diamond ring person, and she had even doubted whether any kind of ring was necessary to remind herself she was married to Derek. And somehow, amongst the unconventional ways they decided to get married, they retained this piece of tradition.

When she first came to Seattle after med school, Meredith would never have imagined the impact it would have on her life. She had wanted to stay on the east coast, it suited her attitudes better, but then she had to come back for her mom. Her mom who acted like she hated her, who showed her she loved her in a hateful way. And she had a lot to thank her mother for. If she hadn't had her house and rented it out, she doubted she would ever have become such close friends with her roommates.

But times change, and now she was Dr. Shepherd.

Later, Meredith walked down the hall, pen in her mouth as she tried to add the post op notes to her patient's file. She felt someone tap her on her arm, and turned around to see Derek look at her with an apologetic expression.

"Uh oh… what happened now?" Meredith asked him, people walking around them in the busy hallway.

"I'm going to be late. I have to re-open a patient I operated on this morning. Post-op CT shows there's another bleed- that will take two or three hours, and then I'll have to operate on the guy who's being pushed back. I'm not going to make the meeting with the contractor."

Meredith shrugged her shoulders. She knew that medicine didn't care about their prior arrangements. "Ok. So… I'll meet you at the restaurant then?"

Derek laughed to himself, and then smiled. "No, wait for me there at the trailer…"

Meredith's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "What is it? What have you got planned? Tell me!" She demanded.

He only smiled wider. "The fun is in the guessing!" He teased before walking in the opposite direction towards his OR.

Meredith's shift was surprisingly uneventful, and after handing over to the night residents, she drove quickly to their trailer to meet the contractor about their house. She turned into the driveway, the house concealed from the road by the dense wood that separated the two, and her eyes always widened a little when she caught a glimpse of the roof line as the driveway wound through the trees. It was hard to believe that the house was theirs. Everything that was going to be inside that house was something Meredith and Derek had discussed, sometimes for hours, it was truly the first thing they would share, a wholly fifty-fifty sole of her boot scraped against the concrete floor in the basement as the contractor showed her the wires that poked out of the ceiling and walls. This was hers. It wasn't her mother's, and no one could take this away from her. Again, she wondered what Ellis would have to say about Meredith being married and building a house. The pride would have been warped into a disdain, because it was something Ellis was never able to do. Meredith would never shake that comparison of her with her mother, and Meredith knew it was one of those reputations she would never emulate- and didn't want to. She didn't want to burn her bridges with everyone she knew, leaving it up to a virtually estranged daughter to be her power of attorney.  
She wasn't Ellis Grey. She was just Meredith. She knew how to beat up boys if they got fresh with her, but was in many ways emotionally malleable when it came to Derek and her friends. She knew what it was like to fall in love, and fall into every cliché she hated of taking him back after he had broken her, because maybe he was the only one to put her back together. She had nearly died twice, and had come back from them, and every time, she had wanted and had Derek there for her.

Meredith sighed as she sat on the flimsy plastic chair on the porch of their new house while she waited for Derek, watching the sun sink lower and lower in the sky. She had taken one of Derek's hiking sweaters, and wrapped herself in it like a blanket to stave off the chill that was beginning to descend on her. When Derek had brought her here a little over two years prior, this house was only the tiniest glimpse of a dream she could barely admit she had. She could remember that day like it was yesterday. Wordlessly Derek has driven away from the hospital, and mindlessly she allowed him to, until they were going further out on the freeway than she had expected.

_"Where the hell are we going?" Meredith asked Derek beside her, as she strained to see the road signs flash by her._

Derek just smiled at her, enjoying that she was getting wound up. "You're the one talking about trust, and here you are, doubting me…"

Meredith huffed. "Yeah, well. I mean I haven't known you all that long. What if you're one of those freaks who preys on women and takes them into the middle of nowhere and I don't know… cuts them up into little pieces and feeds the remains to wild dogs or whatever. You don't think things like that happen until it happens to you." She crossed her arms across her chest in frustration as she slid down the seat.

A chuckle escaped out of Derek's mouth before he could stifle it, earning another cross look from Meredith. "You have a very overactive imagination, Meredith. I'm giving you something to go on." He said as he turned off the winding road onto a driveway through a wooded area.

"This woods thing isn't filling me with confidence." Meredith sulked as a shiny metal trailer came into view. "You're bringing me to a camp site?" She asked incredulously, as Derek jumped out of his side to open her door for her.

"Just be quiet." He hushed her, holding his finger to her lips as his other hand grabbed hers. "I've got a little monologue planned." He grinned.

They walked up the slight incline to the trailer that stood in a large space with just grass, trees surrounding it. Behind her was the view of downtown Seattle in the dusk, ferryboats slowly moving across the picture postcard view of the bay. It seemed like she was further than forty five minutes drive from the city center, it felt too peaceful, too quiet, too perfect.

She turned back around to face Derek and the trailer, seeing Derek's soft smile as he patiently watched her take it all in. She didn't know it at the time, but that smile was his 'I'm testing you' smile, the one he had plastered on his face while he waited for her to form opinions about things. He enjoyed watching the thoughts flash through her mind and play out through her expressions. "Where are we?" She asked again for a final time.

The smile on his face drooped a little as the nerves crept in. His relationship with Meredith was new, fresh, unspoiled by history. He was choosing what bits to tell her, and the bits he left out were probably the most significant. Telling her the unimportant stuff was giving her a false faith, and he had to live with the guilt of that, but right at that moment, what he had with Meredith was too good to spoil with the omitted crap. His nerves jangled as he spoke. "I'm gonna tell you. All right. My mother's maiden name, Maloney. I have four sisters. I have, uh, nine nieces. Five nephews. I like coffee ice cream, single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar. I like to fly fish. And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. And I never dance in public. Um, favorite novel: The Sun Also Rises. Favorite band: The Clash. My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo. The scar right here on my forehead, that's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore. And I live in that trailer. All this land is mine. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it. So that's it. That's all you've earned for now. The rest you're just...just gonna have to take on faith."

He mentally kicked himself, disappointed he didn't find the courage to tell him about the cheating whore of a wife he ran away from in New York, how his best friend was the person she cheated with, and how she was the only thing that made that less painful. He was asking her to take the rest on faith, knowing that it was the hardest thing to take out of all of them. But he couldn't ruin what he had with Meredith when he had no intention of ever seeing his estranged wife again. He was hoping they would be separated long enough for an automatic divorce, or that one day she'd admit defeat and sign the divorce papers. But right now he had something real with Meredith. Instead of freaking out like his wife or his sisters would, he could see Meredith think about it, walking a few steps further towards the trailer before she stopped. And despite the guilt he was waiting to see what she would do. He was hopeful that she'd take the rest on faith, and accept him for the person he was now. A guy who lived in a trailer.

Those past six weeks they had been together had been the best of her life so far- even the abscess bursting on her face had been worth it for her relationship with Derek. Because however much it may have scared her to admit it, she was in a relationship with him. She had slept with him more than once, he was showing her his trailer, and telling her insignificant things about himself that on the surface of it meant nothing, but deep down meant everything. She took two steps closer to the trailer as he stood there, shifting his weight nervously from one leg to the other. Derek was a neurosurgeon, and yet he lived in a trailer. That's when Meredith knew that maybe he didn't feel the need for convention to be happy either. Maybe something fucked him up just as much as her mother did to her. And that's why it could work, and why she could take it on faith. She believed in what he was offering her.

She turned back around to look at him, a smile on her face as she stuck her hand out, beckoning him to show her his home. His smile grew wider as he reached to take out her hand she offered him, and they walked together to the trailer.

As Derek opened the door to the trailer, Meredith allowed herself to see a future with this guy, and maybe somewhere deep down she even admitted she was falling in love with him. Perhaps this was what everyone talked about- it was that moment where you just 'knew' that this had the potential to be more than just something. Maybe this was the fairytale. Granted, she wasn't wearing a princess dress, and her prince didn't live in a castle, but maybe a handsome neurosurgeon living in a airstream trailer was enough deviation from the fantasy for her to believe she could have it.

"So… let me show you around…" Derek laughed as he stepped inside. "This is the living room…" He said, gesturing to the couch on their right. "The kitchen, with modern appliances… dining room… bathroom of course, with shower… and the most important of all… the bedroom… all the fun happens here…" He grinned, lowering his voice suggestively.

"It's certainly… 'bijou'" Meredith teased, perching on the end of the bed, kicking her shoes off, before climbing further onto it.

He joined her on the other side. They had sides now. Meredith took the left, and Derek took the right. When he held her like he was doing right now, it felt like they'd been doing it forever. They were so nearly there to being a couple, all that was left were the words. They lay in silence, their own thoughts filling the quiet.

How could you love someone you barely knew more than the woman you shared the last eleven years of your life with?

How could you bug him about not telling you things when you won't even tell him about your mother?

But right at that moment, even those thoughts couldn't take away from this new-found security she felt that Derek shared his trailer with her. 

"I'm sorry…" Derek apologised breathlessly as he jogged up to the porch, hair flat against his head from the scrub cap. If she looked carefully, she could still see the faint line the surgical mask made against his cheeks, but he was here, and she was grateful. She had been pushed aside all too many times for surgical emergencies in her life, but Derek came for her. "Did the contractor say anything?"

"Nope. I gave him our list, he showed me all the places he was putting light fittings and wall sockets, something about the beam in the basement finally meeting specs, boring stuff. How's your patient?" Meredith asked, kissing him on the lips as a 'hello.'

"Mmm…good, thankfully. Still a little touch and go, we'll see in the morning." He murmured against her lips. "So… been thinking about your gift?" Derek's eyebrows raised. He took her hand, and led her away from the house, towards the clearing.

"Kind of… I don't think it's jewellery…"

"Correct." He laughed.

"Hmm… is it a living thing?" She asked.

"I hope so! After the money I spent on it I hope it didn't die on me!" He joked.

Meredith stopped in her tracks. "Oh my god. Is it a puppy?"

The happy hopefulness in Meredith's voice made Derek's heart sink, and his brow furrowed in disappointment with himself. "Why did you have to say that?" He asked sadly. "Now I wish I thought of a puppy! No, it's not a dog."

"Ah well." Meredith dismissed her wrong guess, and his feeling of failure. "I'm sure I'll love it anyway."

He took her to a smaller clearing, and the evening light was just about bright enough for her to see a sapling tree and an already-dug hole beside it. She looked at him with confusion, and he smiled nervously.

"So…this is your gift. I wanted something that would last forever, something that was more permanent than just… some generic gift like jewellery. I wanted it to be here longer than we were, something to make a memory with. I wanted something to celebrate our first year of marriage, to have something grow throughout the years just like I know we will. Maybe we can plant another tree every anniversary, and make it a tradition, remembering it's another year, and it will always be fresh and new."

Derek spoke with such a watery eyed sincerity that Meredith couldn't help but buy every word. It was the look that made her fall in love with him, that look of him asking her to trust him that drew her in time and time again. She swallowed the lump in her throat, and blinked away the tears as she smiled at him, and his dorky gift. "A tree isn't paper, Derek…"

He grinned, a little stunned that she knew that the tradition of the first anniversary being a 'paper' one, and making the connection between the two. "How do you think they get paper?" He laughed. "Think abstract- think outside the box!"

Meredith stepped closer, wrapping her hands around his waist, her hands fitting snugly in the back pocket of his jeans as he kissed her forehead. "Is this box wooden? Made of cardboard? Is this box made from the tree?" Her laugh vibrated against his neck as she kissed him just below his chin.

"You really want a puppy?" He whispered, pulling an unruly wisp of her bang out of her face. "Because it will pee and poop everywhere, chew everything, whine at us when we leave for work in the morning…"

Meredith blinked as his fingers came towards her."Yeah. I do. I want the puppy that will cock it's leg up and pee on this very tree and remind us about the reality of what our marriage is…"

Derek smiled against her lips, breathing her in as he kissed her, pulling her in even closer. Amid her joking about the reality of their marriage, knowing that the happiness and love was mixed with harder moments, and those emotions were sometimes hard to tease apart- she still was optimistic, she still had hope and a belief in what they had. It wasn't fluffy bunnies and rainbows, but it was real, and they'd do everything they could to make this last forever, and the whole tree thing was just reiterating their sentiments.

After they planted the tree, they casually walked back hand-in-hand to their mostly-built house, talking about dining tables and bedroom sets. The sky was almost dark now, and they were only able to make out vague shadows of each other's features. As Meredith changed her shoes back from the muddy walking boots to her leather ones, she looked up at him as he waited for her, leaning against the bonnet of his car as he typed on his blackberry. "So… you want your gifts before or after steak?" She asked him, throwing the boots in the trunk of her car.

Derek's face lit up like he was a kid again. "Now… I want them now."

Meredith snorted at his eagerness, opening the back door to her car to get a plastic bag from the seat. He noticed her shiver as she shut the door, her hands white with cold, the Seattle night bringing the cold dampness with it.

"Hey… it's getting cold out here…let's go to the trailer." He said quietly, putting her hand on her shoulder as they went round the back of the house to the trailer, still in it's original site, even though it was dwarfed by their new home beside it.

Everything was a metaphor. That little trailer that made Meredith fall in love with Derek, was now just tiny in comparison to what they were building, and that seed of love grew into something much bigger and permanent too. Derek loved that they were at this place where the history cemented their present rather than putting strain on it.

"So…we got a gift from your mom…" Meredith said as they sat at the small table, placing the box on the table.

"I already know what this is. It's the same thing she gives everyone for their first anniversary." Derek said, as he opened the box up, scoring the multiple layers of tape with a small knife. He scanned the card quickly, handing it to Meredith before gently lifting a photo album out of the box, negotiating the shredded paper used to protect the glass front of the album.

Meredith smiled as she saw the picture of her and Derek smiling to each other rather than the camera, caught in a candid moment between themselves. Even though they had maybe a handful of photos of their real wedding in Vegas, they had many cameras at their wedding reception, and it seemed that his mother had managed to copy the photos off everyone's cards and put the best of the disposable camera photos in the album. It was a keepsake. Everyone needed to have a photo album of their wedding, providing memories of that day.

They laughed together, hunched over the small table as they recalled every moment the camera captured, and talking about the ones they didn't remember. "Hey…look at Nancy's face in this picture!" Derek pointed out his sister in the background as she talked animatedly to Lexie about something.

"Derek, you're so mean!" Meredith giggled, smacking his arm. Nancy had warmed up to her the second time, after she realised Meredith and Derek were the real thing, and Addison was far out of the picture. Meredith was an only child, and had no concept of what having a real sibling was like, but Cristina was pretty close to a sister, and she knew that she would have been as acerbic as Nancy was that day—she was just looking out for her brother, even if she had a brash way of doing it, and Meredith appreciated that.

They turned through the pages, and just as Meredith thought they'd reached the end, there were more pages left. It started with their baby pictures, a gummy baby Meredith smiling at the camera. "Hey! How did your Mom get this?" Meredith asked in shock.

"She told me to gather some pictures, so I went back to your house, rummaged through the boxes, and listened to Izzie rant for forty minutes about how big of an asshole Alex was."

She stopped at a picture of Derek with an older man, whom she guessed was her dad as he held up a fish proudly, his front two teeth missing as he grinned for the camera. She looked at the picture for a while, knowing Derek was waiting for her to turn the page, silent in his contemplation. "I can see the similarity between you and him." She said softly. "You have the same eyes- they draw you in. But you're a good mix between your parents." She continued before she turned the page. She didn't expect anything from Derek , she knew it was still a raw topic, that Derek had not gotten over it, not found the thing that would give him closure.

"That's the last picture we have of him." Derek said suddenly, his voice slightly shaky. "I don't know if that's the original or if Mom gave me a copy, but he died only a week after that photo was taken."

Just after his high school graduation photo, came a set of four photos from four different weddings, his sisters the brides. It began with a teenage Derek walking Kathleen up the aisle, and the last one was at Nancy's wedding. "I gave all my sisters away." He said, pointing at them all. "It became a tradition- a tradition I wish never had to happen."

"It's an honor to give your sisters away, Derek…" Meredith said as she looked over the pictures.

"Not really. I let them go to anyone who would have them…" he deadpanned, before laughing.

"Remind me to call your Mom and thank her tomorrow." Meredith told him, as she got up to get the bag from the couch. "Ok, so… I didn't know you'd go all sappy on me with the tree thing, I thought this was just some…thing, and I thought we were sticking to the paper thing, and Cristina was useless, and Izzie came up with all these… _horrible_ ideas and I was left with nothing. So when Addison called…"

"Whoa…Addison called!?" Derek exclaimed in surprise.

"Yeah… remember, you were in the shower, I told you she called because she met some guy you went to med school with at a conference … and anyway…I asked her what she got you…and to tell you the truth, her ideas were made of fail. So then I got you a joke gift instead." She handed him a wrapped gift.

He opened it, laughing as he read the cover. "A book on the Kama Sutra? What are you trying to tell me?" He growled playfully, pulling her towards him.

"I just thought we could have some fun with it..." She giggled. She took it from him before he could read it, putting an envelope into his hands. "Cristina suggested I get you a gift card, I don't know how Owen's still with her."

Derek took the piece of paper out of the envelope. "A cooking class for two?" he asked her, his arm curling around her waist.

"Yep. It kinda benefits us. I mean, I should learn to cook. I can do surgery, I should be able to cook pasta… and the only thing I can make is grilled cheese sandwiches…"

"I love your grilled cheese sandwiches." Derek said honestly. "But you're right, it would be a good way to spend time together."

"This is what I said. When I told Cristina, she said it was too coupley. But I figure… when we have kids, I have to be able to feed them something more than just McDonalds."

"I love it." Derek kissed her. "It's a great gift. " He took the book from the table and walked to the bedroom, lying on the bed.

Meredith glanced at her watch. "It's too late for steak now." She sighed, knowing it would take to long to drive to the restaurant from the trailer. "You wanna go back to the apartment and find something edible in our virtually empty fridge?"

"Hmm…are you hungry? Can't we just stay here tonight and I'll shout you a huge breakfast tomorrow morning?" He said, laziness creeping into his voice.

She flopped beside him, not realising how tired she was until he mentioned the prospect of staying at the trailer. He was right. She couldn't be bothered to move, or drive anywhere. "Hmm…let's just stay here. Not that hungry anyways…" She murmured, closing her eyes as she lay on her back.

Derek thumbed through the Kama Sutra book, stopping at a page and turning the book sideways. "Ouch! That does not look comfortable…" He said frowning at the picture.

Meredith opened her eyes, looking at the book. "Oh, trust me, it's not…" She said knowingly.

Derek looked at her. "Isn't it against the rules to bring up sex with exes on your anniversary? Maybe even grounds for divorce?"

"Oh, he wasn't my boyfriend…" Meredith replied without thinking, realising how whorish she sounded after she said it. She could see the beginnings of jealousy on Derek's face, and laughed at him. She grabbed the book out of his hands and placed it on her nightstand. "Hey…the bendy thing is WAY more exotic than anything else I've tried…and a LOT more pleasurable…" Her voice lowered into a soft sultry murmur as she climbed on top of him.

She kissed him in a way that left him in no doubt she was telling the truth. Her hands slid up and down his body with a quiet assertiveness, her kiss full of love and the promise of forever. It spoke a thousand words, and it meant so much more that now she felt she could say them as well.

They had survived their first year of marriage. But that was selling it short. They had done more than that- they had enjoyed every moment of it, even the bad times, because they got through it together. It was more than just celebrating the three hundred and sixty five days- it was celebrating that Meredith didn't have doubts that she could be the wife Derek wanted her to be, or she wanted to be for Derek. She was just Meredith.

Just when Derek thought he knew everything there was to know about Meredith, something in their everyday life brought up some small snapshot of her life before Derek was in it, something he never knew before. And the fun was in the finding out, in the guessing, in living those moments which led you to the thing you didn't know, to becoming closer to each other everyday. Each of those three hundred and sixty five days had been different, and it made him lightheaded to think that he'd have so many more unique days with her.

Every day would bring its new set of challenges, but also more reasons to love each other, and that's what counted.

_**THE END**_

**Give me a reason to fall in love  
Take my hand and let's dance  
Give me a reason to make me smile  
Cause I think I forgot how**

I wanna fall asleep with you tonight  
I wanna know that I am safe when you hold me tight  
I wanna feel like I wanna feel forever

Girls need attention, and boys need us  
So let's make everybody glad  
That they have each other in each others arms  
Oh let's make everybody glad

I want you.

I wanna dream away with you tonight  
We can go anywhere you would like  
I wanna feel how I wanna feel forever

I want you

Meiko-Reasons to Love You.  
__

So... that's the end. I hope you guys enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know this chapter was delayed- I have a lot of stuff going on right now, and unfortunately, writing isn't on that list, but I'll never say never-- who knows...

Thanks to everyone who commented!


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